Update
Thomas suggested I share an update with the group, so here it goes.
I cut myself the other day. That didn't feel great emotionally...I broke a promise. I also don't like taking up space in the ER for something I did to myself. I asked my psychiatrist to admit me, but he didn't want to because of an incident that happened last time I was admitted. So he was trying to protect me from something similar happening again. He did give me additional time with him. We are switching medications around, and I'm starting to feel a bit better. I am still suicidal, but I've scratched my plan. Feeling good about the medication change, but it has the side effect of potentially contributing to my recurrent acute pancreatitis. I would definitely take pancreatitis over that amount of anxiety though. The medication I was taking was increasing my anxiety, and making me restless. I felt like I couldn't stop pacing. I really value this community. I'm sorry if I don't respond to messages in a timely fashion...but I will respond.