Dementia

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Cannot take what may happen this afternoon #MightyPets #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #ChronicIllness #Suicide

This afternoon I am taking my sweet dog to the vet..she is 17-ish, I have had her for 15 years. She's had tracheal cough for several years as well as canine cognitive dysfunction (dog dementia). She's not been doing well the last week or so, though overall she is so far from who she once was. Hours of wandering and pacing. This week enthusiasm for eating has varied.

I just lost my other canine soulmate three weeks ago. I am a broken, sick, isolated person to begin with; my babies are literally the only loves, motivation, and joy.. I have felt myself slipping further away the last few weeks and while I'm not certain what will happen today, I know either way it will be soon. I know that I, too, am on my last breath, if not today, Soon.

I have been living past my capacity for pain, physically and mentally for a LONG time. To my core, now and for decades, I am exhausted. I am hopeless. I have no fight. I am alone, genuinely.

I'm not sure why I post this here, as in the end, even well-meaning, good hearted, authentic people and responses are still just posts on an internet forum, kind and appreciated but another reminder of how empty my existence is and how alone I will always be.

Love, hug, and appreciate the hell out of your dogs, cats, any other pets. I wish they outlived us.

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#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SocialAnxiety Not everything is peachy.

I might go from from one post to another and try to support someone that is in pain. But it doesn't mean, that I'm in best time, I have tried to kill myself since I was 14, I'm 43 now. I have done everything to do so, and yes, I'm also very sick. I'm a #diabetic I have #HighBloodPressure and #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease
I'm a mess. But I try to educate myself, I try to see things differently, or I will die.
My main goal is to be the adult that I never had, I want to be there for my daughter, no matter what. I know that BPD is not curable, and I know that I might develope dementia eventually. But I'm not there yet. So while I'm barely normal, I want to be there for her.
That's all that matters to me.
#Salvadoran #MightyTogether #MyJourney

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I just ended my monthly support group called Dementia Dialogues. I had no idea that there are Memory Cafes for places to get out and be in a non-judgmental, safe environment with others going through the same difficulties. I looked it up and they are everywhere!

#Dementia #AlzheimersDisease #LewyBodyDementia

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My apologies

#I'm sorry that I have been falling behind in my postings. July has been a tough month for me. Most days I have been sleeping and not really leaving my bed.

I have a series of doctor visits coming up that will determine if I have Lewy Body Dementia. This is a spectrum involving the mix of Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. At the same time as this, I am also in the process of tests to see if I have Intracranial Hypertension. That is where too much spinal fluid is building up for whatever reason and filling areas in my skull damaging my brain.

I am not in denial. In fact, I feel that these two conditions have been the closest to the truth in my three year journey to finding the truth about my health.

I'm scared. I see my father, who has Alzheimer's, decline slowly and he is so angry. I don't want to be angry and mean.

I also have accepted that I need mobility aids. I cleaned up my grandfather's walker and crutches. I saw a wooden walking stick; very fancy. I felt like Frodo Baggins. I can get into using that.

Another thing I am scared about is forgetting people I love. I don't think that will happen anytime soon, but it could be my future and I don't want that.

Thanks for reading my ramble.

#Dementia #Depression #ParkinsonsDisease #AlzheimersDisease #MentalHealth #Grief

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The Final Straw

I had been painting wood on the gable end of the house over the last two days, plus dealt with a gull chick annoying the neighbour's kids (the parents were away and the granny was there looking after them). The first time I picked it up and dumped it, it came back as it crawled under the fence around the waste ground. So this time I stuck it in the neighbours orchard as it was surrounded by walls, with gate very close to the ground. On the way back out of their property, the parent bird dive bombed me, trying to defecate on me: once before another parent bird didn't miss me. It also hit my head with its wing, further along.

The neighbour the other side of us died last year and the house is for sale, so I thought why not stick it in there but not tonight as the gulls need to calm down. Going in the house, the wife was hysterical about the bank wanting added security to prove who she was, so had to help her do this. I suspect because of her mild dementia that she had done something wrong and made the bank suspicious. She had also messed up the new CD player because she didn't understand how to operate it, leaving a disc jammed in it that I still can't get out but other discs play, if I can get them in.

Anyway just as we were going off to bed, she had a go at me for not changing the cover on the sofa and I lost it. In that instant I saw that this was like the immigrant crisis in Europe and America, plus the growing backlash against tourists everywhere across the continent and I knew enough was enough and blew my top. My wife has been flogging the willing horse and I have been biting the bullet but even the worm will turn and I did. I also thought do I feel guilty or am I being made to feel guilty by outside forces (verbal mind games as in Eric Berne's book Games People Play or more recently Lindsay Gibson's books on the emotionally immature)?

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