Dementia

This is going to be one of the hardest posts I’ve ever made. I have been absent for quite a few weeks. The reason for this is for many reasons but mainly because I have been having a multitude of medical tests.

My Wife has expressed concern about my driving for awhile now. I have been on occasions misjudging distance of other cars, waiting too long at traffic lights after they turn green etc. There have been times when trying to process all the traffic movements around me has flooded my mind. Living in a city of 5 million people means this is a challenge. I have also been on occasions struggling to remember names of people I have known as acquaintances.

After many neurological tests early onset dementia has been ruled out, in fact any physiological condition has been ruled out. The conclusion the doctors have come it’s a psychological issue.

Some of you may recall that about 5 years ago a brother and sister went to the police and accused me of assault dating back to 1983. That allegation resulted in a very close suicide event and extended stay in a psych hospital.

After an 18 month investigation the matter was withdrawn before it went to court as we were able to provide irrefutable evidence I was overseas and interstate that whole year. I was a professional actor in 82 and 83 and spend 12 months overseas on tour. There were also major holes in their account and in the end they stopped responding to the police. My lawyers said from the start it was always about money as in the state where they live there is substantial automatic compensation just for making the allegation. There was also bitterness with them because they falsely believed that when I finished acting I would return and marry her. Instead I returned and proposed to my now wife who I had a long distance relationship the whole 2 years I was away.

We thought the matter was closed when the charge was dropped. 18 months ago I was advised they had brought a lawsuit against the church. I thought it had no hope as I attended the church for 3 months in 1981 and was away 82,83.

Well the church not wanting adverse publicity and knowing the courts in that state had a demonstrable bias against churches, settled the matter with a payout. I was very disappointed. What a waste of money and I saw it as rewarding lies. 12 months after the settlement I was advised that the insurance company that covers Pastors would no longer cover me because of the settlement and my credentials were withdrawn. My supervisor was in tears when he told me. He knows I am innocent but the matter was out of his hands.

I was instructed to have a 6 month hiatus from speaking in case the liars saw me on our livestream. For awhile now everything is back to normal and the only restriction is I can’t legally conduct weddings which doesn’t bother me at all.

What really upsets me is how the system in that state is biased to the extent that even making an allegation leads to compensation even if it’s not tested in court. And there will be people aware of the case who believe where there is smoke there is fire.

So now I have to re engage with a therapist. I have been suggested to see one who specialises in helping Pastors and who is a Pastors Wife and understands the unique nature of the ministry.

Interestingly since I decided to pursue therapy again my driving has significantly improved. I really didn’t want to end up here again but ignoring it would be extremely irresponsible. The journey continues.

I'd love to know your thoughts. Drop them in the comments below 👇

#MentalHealth #Agoraphobia #AnorexiaNervosa #AutismSpectrumDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #BackPain #BingeEatingDisorder #Arthritis
#BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #CeliacDisease #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #Depression #Epilepsy #Depression #Dementia #Epilepsy #Endometriosis #PTSD #Fibromyalgia #Lupus #Migraine #Mania #MajorDepressiveDisorder #POTS #PanicAttacks

Thank you all for your support, prayers and encouragement concerning my anticipated visit with my estranged father. It went well.

He is currently in an assisted living facility, with some physical issues but mainly dementia. He spent most of the visit explaining his efforts to arrange a taxi ride home.

He was so different, yet so familiar. He’s always been situated at the edges of things, throwing out observations and claiming an inside track. The content is delusional, but the logical structure of his thoughts is still there.

The only thing he said directly to me was “You’ve put on weight.” He’s said that to me all my life, including times when I needed to put on weight. He enjoyed my niece and her two tiny, adorable children.

My fear was that he would react angrily to my presence and order me to leave. This week has been so hard and full of dread. My appetite, sleep and immune system have all taken a hit.

I hope that I’m not over sharing or making anyone uncomfortable with my family drama. I sense that others here can relate, and I would love it if someone felt less alone because I’ve been there, too.

One last thing. Today was not traumatic like I’d feared. But I did feel invisible, and that’s less than ideal. Then I had an epiphany: I’ve always been basically invisible to him. I’m at peace with that now.

Everyone wants to be seen. My dad may never see me. But I can make that lack a catalyst for recognizing the gold in others. I can dissolve that ache through a deliberate, intentional stance of love.

When I left, I said “It was nice to see you, Dad.” He responded with “Yeah? That’s what a lot of women say to me.” He’s kept his droll wit, and I’m happy that I got to see him.

#Bipolar #Depression #GAD #OCD #PTSD

My niece and her children are joining me to visit my dad in an assisted home on Thursday. He’s been responding extremely well to her kids, and she thinks it might go well.

I’m terrified. We haven’t spoken in over a year. And now, suddenly, he’s lost in dementia.

In October 2024, our son revealed SA that happened with my sister. My parents’ response has been to cut my family out of their lives.

I don’t want to face the possibility that he’ll reject me. I want to hide.

But what if…

I wrote this poem about the turmoil I’m feeling.

The Accidental Pariah

How will you receive me?
Will you receive me at all?
Or shoot me down, like a fox
In a henhouse at dusk
They tell me you’re sundowning
Hope it won’t be too late
How did we even get here?
How did I become the villian
Out of a wound inflicted on my son?
Why did you choose her?
Surgically removed my family
Like a gangrened limb
When we never held
An ounce of poison?
I want nothing more
Than to climb to the top
Of a hill with you
Look out over the years we shared
And know the story will go on
Will your scrambled mind
Pick up only on
The scattered shards of sunlight?
Or are we doomed to the darkness
Of misplaced shame?
You were the one, the only one
Who said my son’s broken mind
Would be fine
Not just fine - better
No one else dared to hope
Do I dare to hope now
For better days
For us two?
It’s taking every bit of strength
Just to see you.

#Bipolar #Depression #GAD #OCD # PTSD