quietborderline

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    How I explain my QBPD

    As someone who is challenged with quiet borderline personality disorder, I struggle mostly (but not exclusively) with emotional regulation and impulse control. I often feel emotions bigger than others without BPD. I get excited very easily, and that can be happy excited or angry excited or sad excited - which looks like anxiety or depression. I get irritated easily. I just can’t stop all the feelings from flying out of me.

    I can be exhausting.

    I’m also empathic so when I’m in large groups, I pick up on others emotions as well. I become overwhelmed and I can get loud and assertive which means I’ve lost control of my mindfulness and I am exerting my energy in a way that can be viewed as over enthusiastic and offputting.

    In general, I see things as black-and-white and try to emphasize my views because in my mind, that is the way things should be. My husband and I call this “beeping”. Until I can calm myself, I can’t hear what others are saying. It takes someone very strong and calm to bring me down, and when this happens I get embarrassed and quiet which appears as pouty. If I have to catch myself, I am so embarrassed I get to the point of feeling shame. It’s at this point I feel hated, foolish and unworthy. I must be most careful with myself here - self harm is highest here.

    My mind can make me feel as though everyone wishes I wasn’t there, and I either feel I need to make things better or die. The shame overwhelms me and often I want to leave the person or group. But more often I will just leave. I don’t get mad, I just “disappear”. Without any thought I could ever be missed.

    Some people will find my intensity charming. I’ve become passionate, enthusiastic, and I shine. The people that are drawn to me in this stage make me most nervous, because I don’t trust them. Why would anybody really be interested in me?

    It’s at my happiest I feel the most flawed. Because I know it’s my BP that is causing me to feel this way. And if anyone knew how I really felt, or how I would feel in the next few minutes, they would leave. They might know I was a fake.

    I just feel that people are going to be disappointed by me or let down no matter what I do. It’s hard to live in the grey when all I see is black and white.

    #quietborderline #qbpd #BPD

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    New To The Mighty

    Broken down, Ripped apart
    Vulnerable heart of stone

    Misunderstood actions
    Dependent on survival

    Doing what is best for me
    Twisted and spewed

    Now the strangers
    Who convinced me to give heart

    Depict me wicked
    Paint me through a mirrored glass

    An animal stuck in a cage
    Poked and prodded

    My tears are merely an apparition
    To the onlookers standing by

    Forever seen as immoral
    Quite honestly dreadful

    Yesterday was a bit of a “bad brain day”, that unfortunately followed me into the night and lingered on today. All the events in play put me in search mode for answers to explain why my mind continues to torture me. I ended up reading a few articles on Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder, and after so many google searches over the years I am finally reading my minds games on paper.

    I'm trying to type so much more, but for some reason when l try to type more than just poetry my mind reels like a million waves crashing against a single rock alone on the shore. I suppose to summarize this world wind of thoughts and emotions; I am thankful for the chance to find some answers and yet fearful for an overly jumbled list of mind created irrational fears.

    #quietborderline

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    #free #mentalillness #Borderline Personality Disorder #quietborderline

    I thank God I made it this far. I’ve overcame a lot but I have further to go. I need help along this journey. #Depression
    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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    Hello

    I just found this. I can't afford counseling and the free clinic is taking their time. I have quiet or covert BPD and fell myself down spiralling as I learn and understand it. Odd. Now I wonder if I will make it past this unknown territory. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #quietborderline

    6 comments
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    Real or just teenage ness #qbpd #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #quietborderline

    Where is the line between just being a teenager with some issues and having legitimate bpd(quite bpd)? I just never know how normal my life is when others seem smililar at times but other times like I’m miles alway from anyone else

    1 comment
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    Silence is like a pit. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #quietborderline #self -destructive #reachingout #Trust

    Once it surrounds you it engulfs you.
    You try to hold on to the edges as it's a long way back from the bottom and if you get to the bottom it's almost impossible to pull yourself back from that pit.
    There's others around you telling you to reach out but what if they let go?
    So I pull back hoping they forget I'm in this pit...
    I know I'll fall if I don't but I'm to heavy for myself then surely I'm to heavy for others?
    It's terrifying to feel this way,
    It's lonely to have a guard up...
    It's frustrating that I'm back here and I'm trying to keep it in so no one see's all this pain I carry.
    The guilt, the shame, the tears, the self-hate... How did I get back to this lonely and terrifying pit?

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    This past week has been a roller coaster to say the least. My depression has been pretty bad which doesn’t help with the acceptance/grieving process. I’m trying to accept that whether I get an official diagnosis of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome or Hypermobility Syndrome doesn’t change that my life is different now. I’m struggling with accepting my new limitations and all the changes that come with them.

    One positive thing is that I got a referral to the University of Iowa to see an EDS specialist.

    A negative that I just found out today is that even though I’m retaining the B-12 and B-9 vitamins I’m not retaining iron. In fact it dropped more than it has in the past 3 visits and I’ll be anemic within a month. I have to have iron infusions which wore me out even before COVID and all the new stuff started. The oncology department brings back lots of memories from my Grandma....

    Another positive is that I finally got in touch with the apartment I’m hopefully moving into. I have an appointment to tour and do the application next Tuesday!

    A neutral occurrence is that my coworker tested positive for COVID. I don’t work the same shift so I wasn’t exposed, but that means all his shifts need to be covered and with the holiday nobody wants to pick up the hours. I’m willing and able to pick up 4 of his shifts, but I refuse to work a 13 hour day if one of my other coworkers won’t take the night shift from me so I can cover the morning shift.

    I feel a responsibility to help every where I can but I’m learning that if I over do it I’m out of commission for days on end which isn’t fun. Also having a person who has limited mobility isn’t what they want from a delivery driver since I can’t do the stairs especially when my body is tired.

    I’m also trying to figure out how I’m going to afford December rent, car maintenance, and Christmas gifts. It’s going to be extremely tight to say the least. I have 3 weeks less than everybody else since I won’t be with family over Christmas, but I will be home in 1 1/2 weeks. I never realized how much difference 3 paychecks made in my budget....

    Also just found out my brother is struggling with depression and self-depreciating thoughts. I’ve had suspicions, but they were confirmed the other day and I feel helpless. He’s my little brother and I raised him. I gave him the nurture he needed and I protected him from the abuse to the best of my child ability (he’s 6 years younger). I want to bring him to Iowa with me but he refuses to leave home.

    Anyway if you made it this far, I’m surprised. This kinda turned into a rant/brain dump. I’m trying to cope with everything and I’m not doing the best. Any advice will be sincerely considered as I feel like I’m drowning.

    #Anxiety #Depression #ADHD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #quietborderline #EhlersDanlosSyndrome (?) #Hypermobility #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #Gastroparesis #Endometriosis (?) #Undiagnosed #Anemia #Work #COVID19 #MentalHealth #ChronicPain

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    Hi. I have been unable to sleep for some time now, does this have anything to do with my BPD? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #quietborderline

    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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    I saw my PCP today to follow up on the hyper mobility, joint and muscle pain, and weakness. I also brought up that I subluxed my back on Saturday and he didn’t say much about either thing.

    Told me my echocardiogram was normal, which is a plus. Told me he will not start me on any more meds as I’m already on 14 but that includes vitamins too. Told me a brace is okay but good luck finding something for joints other than ankle and wrist that are readily available. He did put in a referral to the EDS specialist at the University of Iowa but who knows how long that will take to get set up.

    I did mention how my PT didn’t seem to do much. Yeah the pain is diminished, but it was replaced with numbness. I also mentioned the comments PT has made about hyper mobility being normal which I agree with to an extent, but the amount I have isn’t normal. Again he didn’t say much about it.

    I guess I’m at a loss for what to do. I know there’s nothing they can do for hyper mobility, but can’t they still do the MRI that I pushed through 6 weeks of PT for? Can’t that help me find a PT that works with hyper mobility and knows how to treat it?

    Yes, I know I’m fat. Yes, I have mental health problems. If my weakness, pain, and hyper mobility were related to those things it would’ve been a problem 20 years ago, not just an annoyance and me being “clumsy” with bad posture. Also it would’ve improved when I lost 20lbs a couple months ago, but it didn’t it actually got WORSE!

    Sorry about the rant/vent I just don’t know what to do. I’m missing work because of subluxations which I can’t afford. I have a support team, but they’re all paid to support me (therapist, dr, and home aides). I feel lost and alone and my mental health isn’t doing the best.

    #EhlersDanlosSyndrome (?) #Hypermobility #Depression #Anxiety #quietborderline #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #HiatalHernia #dismotility #Gastroparesis #Endometriosis (?) #Anemia #Malabsorption #BingeEatingDisorder #Tachycardia #Hypertension #ChronicPain #weakness

    14 comments
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    Is splitting always a sort of “extreme” of good vs bad, love vs hate?

    I’ve been browsing online the last few days, trying to understand what’s been going on in my head, and I came across quiet bpd. I don’t know much about it, beyond what’s on the Internet, and I don’t want to assume that the internet is correct, so I’m asking a few questions here to see if quiet bpd is something I should discuss with a therapist or if there are just similarities between quiet bpd and what is going on in my head. (Sorry if I end up using incorrect terms or anything, I’m brain-dead, tired, confused, and overwhelmed, so I might not be thinking clearly enough to correctly explain things.

    Anyways, online I’ve seen splitting often described as people being put into “categories” of almost a “good vs bad, love vs hate” etc. So I guess I have a couple of questions, is it only two “categories” or can it be more than two? Can splitting be applied to things other than people, like to situations or environments or events or acting?

    And my main question that is more directly connected to what’s going on in my head, can splitting basically be having these people that you love and adore and love spending time with and everything, and then it just shuts off, the part of you that’s emotionally connected to these people just shuts off. It’s not that you suddenly hate these people or you think they’re bad or going to necessarily hurt you or anything, but your emotions towards them just.. switch off. Maybe the majority of your emotions have also shut off simultaneously due to overwhelming emotions or situations, or maybe the emotions directly linked to the person/people have just shut off. Maybe there is a subconscious fear of abandonment and/or being emotionally vulnerable. Maybe there’s a fear of being a burden on them or them actually hurting you somehow.
    Can that still be considered splitting, the divide between consciously loving these people and wanting to be around them and feeling emotionally connected with them vs feeling nothing or possibly a few trace negative feelings that may or may not be connected to those people.

    Sorry for a bit of a ramble, I’m just trying to figure out my own head, and get a better understanding of quiet bpd so I can know whether or not I should look into this with a therapist.

    #quietborderline #quietbpd #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #bpdsymptoms #EmotionalIntensity #emotionallynumb

    4 comments