repressedmemories

Has anyone had success recovering early childhood trauma from as young as 2-3 years old?

Several months ago I had a dream that I could only remember a tiny bit of where is was at the home of my childhood best friend grandparents’ home and I was in a walk in closet and there was a shadow/figure of a large man. I didn’t think much of it. The following week I went to LA for ketamine infusions because I had become suicidal. During the first infusion I experienced the intense smell of popcorn which was enjoyable at first, but then I felt some kind of darkness and chose to move towards light and peace because the darkness scared me and I was in a very dark place to begin with. During the 5th infusion I felt fear and panic for the safety of my 3 year old daighter and couldn’t wait to see her and hug her after the session. I almost felt guilty because I wasn’t showing my 6 year old daughter the same kind of affection, but I felt the need to soothe my 3 year old. The infusions temporarily relieved my depression and suicidal thoughts (they have unfortunately returned). I found a clinic in Denver through my therapist who offers ketamine assisted psychotherapy and thought that approach could be useful. In the month while I was waiting for that appointment, while daydreaming I suddenly remembered an old fashioned style popcorn machine in the home of my childhood beat friend’s grandparents’ home. I verified with my mom and sister that I was remembering the popcorn machine correctly and they both remembered it as well. During my ketamine assisted psychotherapy session the ketamine trip itself was very peaceful, but as I was coming out of it the therapist said the word “popcorn” and I felt tension and anxiety it my chest. That therapist and my regular therapist are both convinced I have repressed memories of trauma, but it is unclear what actually happened because my memories are barely there and very fragmented. It would certainly explain many of my PTSD behaviors that I always attributed to a single episode of physical abuse from a partner when I was 21, but looking back I realized that doesn’t explain why I struggled with bulemia and excessive drinking as a teenager which was long before that relationship.

Has anyone had a similar experience and was able to recover their memories and if so, how? My therapist thinks we can work through the trauma without the memories and I hope to, but I feel like I could move forward easier if I remembered. Not being able to remember is driving me crazy and increasing my depression, anxiety and PTSD which results in me lashing out at my very loving family which I hate ☹️

#Trauma #repressedmemories #earlychildhood

I think the hardest thing about this is that I deny what I’m seeing. I can’t even tell what’s real. Does the denial go away? If so, how?
#denial #SexualAbuse #repressedmemories

So I’m new to the whole #CPTSD and #repressedmemories thing, this only started for me a few months ago so I’m still learning and trying to navigate things with the help of my therapist. My question is how do you know if what you’re having is a memory or if it’s just your mind doing something else? Twice now I’ve been minding my own business, not thinking about anything in particular and then bam! all of a sudden I get these horrible images and stabbing pains in different parts of my body or I’ll just start twitching. Based on the timing and my physical reactions I’d guess they’re memories but is there any way to really know??? I’m not actively thinking about trauma or anything even closely related when it happens. Feeling a bit insecure tonight.

Recently got sober after decades of #Addiction Almost as soon as I did, flashbacks of #Abuse by my uncle from when I was about 4/5 started coming up. They’re so vague that it’s hard to believe them. I’ve always wanted something to blame for all the stupid shit I’ve done, and this sure would fit the bill. But the fact that I’ve always wanted something to blame and that these “memories” are now coming up makes me feel like I’m making it all up so that I have something to blame.

The memories are so fragmented. I can’t even see his face. There’s just a sense of things. Like I have a sense of where we are, about what age I am, what position I’m in, that the room is filled with light, that I’m kind of dissociating but also fully consumed by disgust and shock and feel paralyzed and trapped in my body. I can’t even see my uncle in the memories. There’s just a sense that he is there. That he’s the abuser.

I’m in therapy. My therapist is having me read a book on #SexualTrauma called Life Reinvented. It talks about all the disorders, like #CPTSD , that tend to develop in survivors, and it’s like I’m reading my autobiography.

I’ve had intense experiences of knowing with absolute certainty that these memories are true. In those moments, I’ve had very intense physical responses. The deepest anxiety and fear and disgust I have ever felt bubbles up from a deep, dark place and consumes me. I feel jittery and on the verge of tears and I feel as if I’m in a cold sweat. That’s happened a few times...but now I struggle to recall those memories at all. They’re not as real as they once were, which is reinforcing my doubt.

When I read of all the repercussions in survivors of childhood sexual abuse...all the symptoms...and then I reflect on my doubt, I can’t help but think, “where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” And my entire life (I’m 37 now) is like an open book of smoke signals.

I keep being told by a variety of sources that the only way to get past this is by acknowledging and accepting what happened...but right now I can’t get past this doubt. And I’m trying! I do want to. But it’s like there’s this mental block that just won’t let go. Surely it’s one of those many coping mechanisms I built up...but now that those are no longer serving me, how do I break them down?

#SexualAbuseSurvivors #repressedmemories

-- #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Csa #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAbuse #Incest #incestsurvivor #PTSD #CPTSD #repressedmemories #posttraumaticstessdisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #csasurvivor #Abuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #SexualTrauma #Trauma #DID

Parts 1, 2, 3 & 4: (links in comments)

In July 2019, this update happened (PTSD-Therapy continued…): 

We were able to discuss my “parts” (ego-states, fractured parts of my psyche due to the abuse). I had previously (in my previous therapeutic journeys) uncovered 3: ScaredChild, VaultKeeper, Warrior (along with my AdultSelf). Part of the therapy is to find “Power Animals” (kind of like a “Spirit Animal”) — something from nature that each part can derive strength and comfort from during the healing process. I was able to assign an animal to each of the 4 parts, and we have since uncovered 2 additional parts (named “EnduringLad/Seven” and “Trauma Keeper” both parts from the 5-8 year old self that experienced the Trafficking Abuse) - each being assigned an animal: AdultSelf - Lion, Seven - Sea Lion, TraumaKeeper - Dog, ScaredChild (aka “Three”) - Otter, VaultKeeper - Owl, WarriorSelf - Bald Eagle. To honor these parts, I have added them to my MaleSurvivor Signature line (it appears on all my posts on the MS forum).

Image from my MaleSurvivor Signature Line: (link in comments)

As some of these parts have successfully completed their roles during therapy, in my case, they end up “graduating” by somehow merging with their Power Animal with a newly assigned positive role to play in my ongoing Mental Health: WarriorSelf/Eagle became “SecurityChief”;  VaultKeeper/Owl became “WisdomGiver”; Three/Otter became “FunGiver.” Seven/Sea Lion and TraumaKeeper/Dog remain active and have yet to “graduate.”

Also, my therapist and I have dealt with my hypervigilance (a key symptom of the PTSD) which has been healed. Also dealt with issues of Trauma Flashbacks, Food Addiction, Body Shame, and Fear of “getting healthy.” 

 I go into more details in My Therapy Journal which can be found here (via Male Survivor’s forum page):  (link in comments)

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In August 2019, I shared this update:

My story got updated today - with PTSD-Therapy we uncovered even earlier trauma by my father - seems it actually started when I was an infant - only a few months old. This news inspired me to write 2 poems about the abuse. 

Poem 1 is here on “The Mighty”: (link in comments)

Poem 2 is on the MaleSurvivor forum: (link in comments)

Picture of me as an infant, around the age of the initial abuse: (link in comments)

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I am now at a place where I wish to continue to reach out to other survivors via “The Mighty” to help me further along on this healing path.

-- #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Csa #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAbuse #Incest #incestsurvivor #PTSD #CPTSD #repressedmemories #posttraumaticstessdisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #csasurvivor #Abuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #SexualTrauma #Trauma #DID

Parts 1, 2, & 3: (links in comments)

In May 2019, this was uncovered:

After sharing some “half memories” from my childhood here on Male Survivor forum, we were able to deduce that I was also Trafficked by my father to multiple boy-swap events (this was later confirmed in therapy). This happened between the ages of 5 and 8. He brought me to these events so other male “perps” could abuse me while my father could abuse other boys that had been brought. I was sedated during these events so the memories have been sparse. I created an entire post on this new “revelation” in the Paid-Members-Only section of the MaleSurvivor forum.

Trafficking story (Paid-MS-Members-Only): (link in comments)

Info on paid MS Memberships is here: (link in comments)

Picture of Me at age 6 (during the time of this Trafficking Abuse):  (link in comments)

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In July 2019, this update happened: 

I started going to a PTSD-Therapist today. I shared my story. I received a formal PTSD Diagnosis with some “Dissociation Behaviors”. After several sessions, this was adjusted to “PTSD with dissociative symptoms.”  The main therapeutic modes he uses with me are "CRM" which stands for "Comprehensive Resource Model" (a less severe alternative to traditional EMDR therapy, especially when the trauma memories are less visual). He also uses Huna Therapy (which is based on traditional Hawai'ian Healing practices). Both have been extremely helpful in my healing. He is like a PTSD endoscopic surgeon: knowing exactly where to guide his tools to reach the part that needs to be addressed without leaving my guts spilled all out. I am able to go back to work within an hour after my sessions and function pretty well the rest of the day. 

More Info on CRM Therapy: (link in comments)

More Info on Huna Therapy: (link in comments)

We were able to recover more of the body/muscle memories associated with the Trafficking Abuse. I can remember multiple men, multiple “positions” and “acts” being done to me, far beyond what my father had ever done to me.

(Continues in Part 5 - link in comments) 

#tags:#ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Csa #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAbuse #Incest #incestsurvivor #PTSD #CPTSD #repressedmemories #posttraumaticstessdisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #csasurvivor #Abuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #SexualTrauma #Trauma #DID

Parts 1 & 2:  (links in comments)

However, a few years before my mother passed away, my wife and I were able to get more information about her marriage to my father. It turns out, my mother never wanted children. She had a bad experience with her own mother and did not want to be responsible for other children. My father insisted. Once we got old enough where he lost interest, he left us. So my mother was now a single mother with 3 kids she originally never wanted. This also means that the only reason I was born was apparently to satisfy his pedophlia.

In the past year since starting my “Heavy Recovery”, I have made huge leaps on my own healing journey. 

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In early April 2019, this happened:

I had my first appointment with my new Christian Therapist (last professional therapy appointment was August 2018). Session went well. I was able to share almost all of my story. He is helping me look for a PTSD Specialist. Focus with him will be Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I started a web-based Therapy Journal describing my therapy progress.

My Therapy Journal can be found here (via Male Survivor’s forum page): (link in comments) 

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In mid-April 2019, this update happened:

I was inspired by those on Male Survivor’s forum who are battling clergy abuse head-on to re-open that chapter in my life (being abused at age 20 by a Methodist Minister). I reached out to the National UMC organization to let them know what had happened. I document the entire experience in another MS post. It was both informative and frustrating. The minister had passed away in 2014, but he had actually sent me an apology letter which I never received until 2019. Also after my initial report, 2 other victims came forward, though their abuse had 10 years and 20 years prior to my own. UMC offered to pay for my therapy but they ended up offering me an insultingly low amount, (along with a ridiculously complicated reimbursement procedure) so I refused to take it and we remain at an impasse for now. I ended up sharing my story with a newspaper covering my college town, which ran the story in the fall of 2019. UMC refused to cooperate with the newspaper for the story. 

Full story can be found here (via Male Survivor’s forum page):  (link in comments) 

(Continues in Part 4 - link in comments) 

#ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Csa #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAbuse #Incest #incestsurvivor #PTSD #CPTSD #repressedmemories #posttraumaticstessdisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #csasurvivor #Abuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #SexualTrauma #Trauma #DID

Part 1: (link in comments)

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Therapy has uncovered more of exactly what happened. My abuse, however, happened when I was only a toddler. I was about 3 years old. My father would get mom drunk so she would pass out and not know what was going on. He would then get me to drink beer via a sippy cup (or use other forms of sedation) - hoping I would get too impaired to remember. He would then force oral sex on me - pleasuring himself in my tiny mouth and throat. His entire weight (250+ pounds - he was a large man) engulfing my small 3-year-old body. I was immobilized. Completely helpless. I could not move.

This happened multiple times, multiple nights. Dozens, perhaps hundreds of times. I was not his only victim. As I mentioned, he did the same thing to his 4 younger sisters when they were little. He may have also done it to my 2 older sisters and his younger brother - I do not know (1 of my sisters and his only brother have passed away, my surviving sister has almost no memories from childhood whatsoever).

Picture of me at age 3: (link in comments)

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Since this uncovering, I have attended survivor support groups and professional therapy. I have come a long way in my road to healing.

I have been married to a great woman for almost 30 years and have 2 kids (boy and girl) - both recently graduated from college. They all know my story and are all supportive.

SSA is still an issue, but less now. I have always had a fear and distrust of men as a result of my abuse. My healing journey has helped with that a lot. I am now heavily involved with and serve in the Men's Ministry in my church (non-denominational evangelical).

I tried to bring up the abuse to my mother, but she seemed pretty clueless. She knew about the abuse by my father towards his sisters but said she could never quite "wrap her head around it." I decided not to push the issue. Also, both she and my father were heavy drinkers at the time. I assume she had absolutely no idea what was happening. She then passed away a few years ago before I could bring up the subject again.

#ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Csa #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAbuse #Incest #incestsurvivor #PTSD #CPTSD #repressedmemories #posttraumaticstessdisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #csasurvivor #Abuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #SexualTrauma #Trauma #DID

Hello, I am “NC-Survivor” aka Καλλικρατης (Kallikrates - call me "Kal")

I have been in what I call “Heavy Recovery” for a bit over a year now and thought it was time to do a formal “Survivor Story” for “The Mighty”. I have shared most, if not all, of this information in various posts, but hope to consolidate it all into this one post.

I originally started my “Heavy Recovery” in March of 2019 after watching HBO’s "Leaving Neverland" documentary and the Oprah special that followed. Yes, it triggered many things inside of me and knew it was time to work through more of my CSA issues - again.

I am currently in my mid-50s. Youngest of 3 kids (2 older sisters).

Parents separated, then divorced when I was 7 or 8. Stayed with my mom. Contact with dad was less and less until hardly any. I tried to be the good kid, making things easier on my mom. Inside, I was a mess - but I didn't understand why. I didn't understand why I had a hard time making friends -- a hard time trusting -- especially guys. As I got older, my mom remarried: a guy who also didn't want children. More rejection.

When I was a young man in college (age 20, but looked like 16 - late bloomer) a Methodist Minister at the church I was attending "took an interest" in me. I was flattered. Loved to get the attention from a man I very much admired. Apparently, he was actually a pedophile and liked teenage boys. He came to my college apartment (I lived alone at the time) for a visit. Things lead to him touching me in places he shouldn't (including fondling of genitals). Something inside of me knew I had to stop him. I got him to stop and he left.

I eventually was able to confront him 2 years later through his church leadership, but he basically got a wrist-slap (he was near retirement age), and a mild warning to his local church that he needed to stay away from teens and children. (more about this later)

After college, I moved out of state, several states away. Started seeking therapeutic support groups for what happened in college, and the SSA (Same Sex Attraction) I was experiencing (I had similar feelings since 7th grade - these included sexual fantasies that mirrored the abuse and porn addiction). Through the support group and reading different stories, I realized I was an abuse victim as a young child. Memories I had blocked out. Additional support groups and church-related counseling helped me fill in the blanks. I also got confirmation that my own father had sexually abused all 4 of his younger sisters when they were children (he was the oldest of 6). The same method (forced oral) he used on them was what I also remember happening to me. This filled in the blanks - he was my abuser: 

(Continues in Part 2 - link in comments) 

#ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Csa #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAbuse #Incest #incestsurvivor #PTSD #CPTSD #repressedmemories #posttraumaticstessdisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #csasurvivor #Abuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #SexualTrauma #Trauma #DID

Part 1:

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Therapy has uncovered more of exactly what happened. My abuse, however, happened when I was only a toddler. I was about 3 years old. My father would get mom drunk so she would pass out and not know what was going on. He would then get me to drink beer via a sippy cup (or use other forms of sedation) - hoping I would get too impaired to remember. He would then force oral sex on me - pleasuring himself in my tiny mouth and throat. His entire weight (250+ pounds - he was a large man) engulfing my small 3-year-old body. I was immobilized. Completely helpless. I could not move.

This happened multiple times, multiple nights. Dozens, perhaps hundreds of times. I was not his only victim. As I mentioned, he did the same thing to his 4 younger sisters when they were little. He may have also done it to my 2 older sisters and his younger brother - I do not know (1 of my sisters and his only brother have passed away, my surviving sister has almost no memories from childhood whatsoever).

Picture of me at age 3:

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Since this uncovering, I have attended survivor support groups and professional therapy. I have come a long way in my road to healing.

I have been married to a great woman for almost 30 years and have 2 kids (boy and girl) - both recently graduated from college. They all know my story and are all supportive.

SSA is still an issue, but less now. I have always had a fear and distrust of men as a result of my abuse. My healing journey has helped with that a lot. I am now heavily involved with and serve in the Men's Ministry in my church (non-denominational evangelical).

I tried to bring up the abuse to my mother, but she seemed pretty clueless. She knew about the abuse by my father towards his sisters but said she could never quite "wrap her head around it." I decided not to push the issue. Also, both she and my father were heavy drinkers at the time. I assume she had absolutely no idea what was happening. She then passed away a few years ago before I could bring up the subject again.

(Continues in Part 3)