Repressed Early Childhood Trauma
Has anyone had success recovering early childhood trauma from as young as 2-3 years old?
Several months ago I had a dream that I could only remember a tiny bit of where is was at the home of my childhood best friend grandparents’ home and I was in a walk in closet and there was a shadow/figure of a large man. I didn’t think much of it. The following week I went to LA for ketamine infusions because I had become suicidal. During the first infusion I experienced the intense smell of popcorn which was enjoyable at first, but then I felt some kind of darkness and chose to move towards light and peace because the darkness scared me and I was in a very dark place to begin with. During the 5th infusion I felt fear and panic for the safety of my 3 year old daighter and couldn’t wait to see her and hug her after the session. I almost felt guilty because I wasn’t showing my 6 year old daughter the same kind of affection, but I felt the need to soothe my 3 year old. The infusions temporarily relieved my depression and suicidal thoughts (they have unfortunately returned). I found a clinic in Denver through my therapist who offers ketamine assisted psychotherapy and thought that approach could be useful. In the month while I was waiting for that appointment, while daydreaming I suddenly remembered an old fashioned style popcorn machine in the home of my childhood beat friend’s grandparents’ home. I verified with my mom and sister that I was remembering the popcorn machine correctly and they both remembered it as well. During my ketamine assisted psychotherapy session the ketamine trip itself was very peaceful, but as I was coming out of it the therapist said the word “popcorn” and I felt tension and anxiety it my chest. That therapist and my regular therapist are both convinced I have repressed memories of trauma, but it is unclear what actually happened because my memories are barely there and very fragmented. It would certainly explain many of my PTSD behaviors that I always attributed to a single episode of physical abuse from a partner when I was 21, but looking back I realized that doesn’t explain why I struggled with bulemia and excessive drinking as a teenager which was long before that relationship.
Has anyone had a similar experience and was able to recover their memories and if so, how? My therapist thinks we can work through the trauma without the memories and I hope to, but I feel like I could move forward easier if I remembered. Not being able to remember is driving me crazy and increasing my depression, anxiety and PTSD which results in me lashing out at my very loving family which I hate ☹️