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Please Hear Me

She abused me for over 10 years. She humiliated me, made me feel ashamed of myself, a bad little girl. I grew afraid of everyone. Any new situation sent me into tears and intense fear. Why didn’t I run away? Why didn’t I say no? Because she was my own mother. There were no choices. Was it ever my fault?
Today is her funeral. She died last Wednesday. In pain. Today, she will be memorialized. Family members will step up at the service and say good things about her. I wish I could step up and tell them what she meant to me. But I won’t.
She had so much time to apologize. Instead, she said it was a long time ago and refused to talk about it. And now she’s gone. How do I forgive someone who never asked for forgiveness? I’m sixty-one years old and I still want a mommy. Now it’s too late. Too late. I feel so alone.

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Of Incest And The Like

It is the not speaking
that keeps the status quo.

Silence, the harbinger,
allowing for chaos,

granting the deviant
the freedom to destroy.

Talk of your broken souls,
talk of your night terrors,

tell all of your tremors,
of the intrusive thoughts

and of the flashbacks that
steal all of your todays.

Expose every misdeed,
bring the perpetrators

into the light of day,
saying even their names.

Only in this way
will the chain be broken.

#incestsurvivor #CPTSD


Does it ever go away? The pain, the shame, could I have turned out different, the decisions I made, regrets, illness, never trusting again


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The Cliff #EatingDisorders #Anxiety #BingeEatingDisorder

I'm standing on a cliff. I can either take a leap of faith that God will give me the help and strength and the unknown Something to make my clean, complete, and absolute break from the Processed and Allergy-Inducing into my Body's begging, insistent, restrictive but Needed Nourishing and Healing required Eating Pattern/Lifestyle/fill-in-the-word-please------------
I can, mouthful by mouthful, day by day, weekend by weekend, continue to sit with my knees drawn up in this dusty, grainy, dry grass on top of this Cliff and kill myself with Inflammation.
Abdominal pain, sharp and burning, when I eat too much saturated fat.
Twisting, jarring spasms of muscles, tendons, soft tissues.
Swollen, stiff, aching claws of hands from arthritis.
Mucus clogging, choking, draining in my nasal passages, throat, and chest from milk solids and milk products.
Violent nausea, vomiting, diarrhea due to allergies to Nightshades, chemicals, and preservatives.

I tried to express this driving MUST feeling, of me standing on this Cliff, of my feeling trapped, MUST MUST MUST, to my husband.

I was unsuccessful.
He started telling me about his lunch menu today. I leaned my forehead against the glass of my bedroom window, feeling its smooth coolness, trying to soothe myself, while at the same time wishing it was one of the concrete walls in my apartment so I could beat my head against it in frustration.

I wanted to scream at him:"I don't want to talk about food! I don't want to cook! This isn't about FOOD!"

This is about the Cliff and the Abyss and the Sky and the Earth and the River. And the MUST.
The terror of both action and inaction.

I either jump into a new world of Health, or I will die.


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Self harm is never okay. It’s a dangerous way to ‘cope’. And it becomes an addiction. Most people who self harm don’t want to kill themselves. But, many times, that’s EXACTLY what happens. They go further than they actually mean to. Like the drug addict who says they know how much they can handle. It’s damaging and dangerous.
Finding the right therapist for you to help you work through the issues that lead to those feelings of low self-worth, shame, frustration, etc., is a healthy way to find healing. Self harm never is.
I’m thankful I’m getting the real help I need. Today, I’m 645 days self harm free. And if I can do it, you can too.
You have infinite value. Please reach out for support. You are Mighty. Safe hugs to you.
#I ’mhealing
#I ’mhuman

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CPTSD and the difference between PTSD

I found this diagram to be helpful for pointing out the different symptoms of each disorder.

So much of the time, those of us who are wondering if we have Trauma disorders don't get an accurate diagnosis because we or our providers don't ask the right questions.

Being your own Advocate often means having to do a lot of research and finding out what is true for you.

In my journey, searching the Internet, particularly reputable sources like the American Psychological Association; reading books by well-known author's in the Trauma field; attending support groups such as NAMI (National Association for the Mentally ill) and interviewing my potential providers as to their experience with Trauma work have all been excellent strategies for getting the best care possible.

Remember that you are the best person to describe what is happening with yourself. Trust your ability to co-create the right healing relationship.

#CPTSD #Trauma #incestsurvivor #Depression #Anxiety

1 comment

Why is it that we don't talk about incest? #incestsurvivor #speakout #Incest

Why are we allowed to talk about the babysitter but not our own mother? Why are we allowed to talk about men's abuse but not abuse by women?
Why do we try and avoid the unavoidable?