csasurvivor

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    Childhood stolen. #csasurvivor #SexualAbuse #lostmemories #CPTSD #Flashbacks

    My sibling and I have been connecting more lately and it's been good and hard at the same time. We both have been experiencing flashbacks, dissociative episodes, and having memories return over the last 4 years. I started therapy with an amazing therapist recently and it's become increasingly clear that we were both abused by our biological father. We both have a lot of missing memories from age 5/6 through Middle/High School. They are coming back now a d it's scary. I just want to be free of the torment of never feeling safe in my own body and the thoughts that I must have deserved it. It's scary and so overwhelming to lose control of your body and mind out of survival. I am grateful my body protected me so I could be where I am today. The healing is painful though. We cut off contact with our biological family and are feeling safer now, but they still invade boundaries constantly. It's so overwhelming. I feel trapped and stuck around what is next.

    Question

    How can I deal with the self-doubt about recovered memories?

    My first trauma experience happened when I was very young (pre-verbal). I had great success with DBT and then EMDR. I question my memories alot and this makes me feel guilty for saying these things about my abusers (3 separate abusers). I have thoughts that I'm just making stuff up to explain my extreme responses to triggers. #csasurvivor #CPTSD

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    I'm new to this platform #childhoodsexualassault #csasurvivor #Anxiety

    Hello all! I'm new to the Mighty and I'm excited. I was sexually assault by my father on and off from the age of 11 to 14. My repressed memories resurfaced Nov 2017. I have forgiven him and still have a relationship with my parents. I sometimes struggle to set boundaries as I still heal. I know it's a process and join this to not feel along.

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    Triggered by the news #PTSD #csasurvivor

    All this Josh Duggar stuff is so triggering but I can't stop reading about it. It makes me so mad they let him out. I am so upset for his sisters/victims and the children in the materials he was found with, allegedly. It feels like there will never be any real justice for victims, his or anyone else's. Its like all the metoo's and "victims rights" are ignored, again. Why isn't the conversation happening loudly, across the nation, about who preditors are, how families and organizations enable them and the devastating lifelong damage they inflict and why, for the love of god, aren't people like josh Duggar charged with acssesory to rape and child abuse. People like him are why this stuff exists, because they buy it.

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    April is Child Abuse Awareness Month

    I am a Survivor of #ChildAbuse and neglect. I have started a Grassroots Organization called AHHHS which stands for A Helping Hand for Healing Souls. I am currently working on some projects. I would like to ask any#AbuseSurvivors #csasurvivor #Incestsurvior if they could say in a few words how they felt when the abuse was happening, or what happened or how do you feel about it now? I am also having an OPEN MIC EVENT this Saturday for anyone interested in working toward SPEAKING OUT or the #protection of #Children , contact me at AHHHS1@OUTLOOK.COM new hashtag #365 For the ISSUES which one month out of a year is JUST NOT ENOUGH!!!

    Question

    Disability or disorder.... 🙄 #generlizedanxietydisorder #CPTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #csasurvivor

    Hi Family,

    I hope I'm posting this correctly.. Its been a while... So after a discussion with my future mother in law who I'm blessed to have 🤗 I did some reflective thinking. In a nut shell the discussion was about my acceptance of cptsd and gad and md I decided after over six months of intense anxiety and stress two hospital visits and feeling worse on prozac taking advice on my gut and others and cutting contact with bullying family members, moving to a new home and looking for a new job I'd take a year out as advised... Leave studying or working and heal at my baby step pace and focus on my counselling and getting better. Driving became a panic attack nightmare, leaving the house was a major issue and interaction with people because exhausting. So I'm in the process of now filling out forms and changing doctors and wanting to apply for disability benefit... And then the question was right under my nose!!! After years of research it states with cptsd you can heal and work and live a full life as its a disorder... This made me struggle so I felt as though I'm doing the same as someone who has no mental health issues but I face painful palpations, stress tears, panic, intense fear lack of sleep exhaustion etc. But I only have a disorder... So that means I can get help and get better right? And I'm expected to get better quickly and carry on with life. No where does it state a disorder is a term used medically and disability is used in legal terms... Yet its a disability if it effectives your day to day life.

    I feel as though I kept breaking down to the equivalent of putting a plaster over a burst pipe that's been gushing water from the time I was five years old and being told to get up and go again... So I've decided I'm not doing this anymore my body has had enough. I need rest and restoration and I'm going to have to fight to get the healing and time off that I need in order to fully heal. My future mother in law told me not to give myself a time limit it it takes five years so be it. I honestly don't mean this from a selfish point I'm just exhausted and burnt out and wish people could understand that if I only do one thing a day such as make one call... Be brave enough to drive to the shops and back or have the energy just to clean one room that that should be enough because my disorders need to be recognised, rather that well... if people can't physically see it that I'm not really that bad.

    Post

    My Survivor Story - Part 5

    -- #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Csa #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAbuse #Incest #incestsurvivor #PTSD #CPTSD #repressedmemories #posttraumaticstessdisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #csasurvivor #Abuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #SexualTrauma #Trauma #DID


    Parts 1, 2, 3 & 4: (links in comments)


    In July 2019, this update happened (PTSD-Therapy continued…): 


    We were able to discuss my “parts” (ego-states, fractured parts of my psyche due to the abuse). I had previously (in my previous therapeutic journeys) uncovered 3: ScaredChild, VaultKeeper, Warrior (along with my AdultSelf). Part of the therapy is to find “Power Animals” (kind of like a “Spirit Animal”) — something from nature that each part can derive strength and comfort from during the healing process. I was able to assign an animal to each of the 4 parts, and we have since uncovered 2 additional parts (named “EnduringLad/Seven” and “Trauma Keeper” both parts from the 5-8 year old self that experienced the Trafficking Abuse) - each being assigned an animal: AdultSelf - Lion, Seven - Sea Lion, TraumaKeeper - Dog, ScaredChild (aka “Three”) - Otter, VaultKeeper - Owl, WarriorSelf - Bald Eagle. To honor these parts, I have added them to my MaleSurvivor Signature line (it appears on all my posts on the MS forum).


    Image from my MaleSurvivor Signature Line: (link in comments)


    As some of these parts have successfully completed their roles during therapy, in my case, they end up “graduating” by somehow merging with their Power Animal with a newly assigned positive role to play in my ongoing Mental Health: WarriorSelf/Eagle became “SecurityChief”;  VaultKeeper/Owl became “WisdomGiver”; Three/Otter became “FunGiver.” Seven/Sea Lion and TraumaKeeper/Dog remain active and have yet to “graduate.”


    Also, my therapist and I have dealt with my hypervigilance (a key symptom of the PTSD) which has been healed. Also dealt with issues of Trauma Flashbacks, Food Addiction, Body Shame, and Fear of “getting healthy.” 


     I go into more details in My Therapy Journal which can be found here (via Male Survivor’s forum page):  (link in comments)


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    In August 2019, I shared this update:


    My story got updated today - with PTSD-Therapy we uncovered even earlier trauma by my father - seems it actually started when I was an infant - only a few months old. This news inspired me to write 2 poems about the abuse


    Poem 1 is here on “The Mighty”: (link in comments)


    Poem 2 is on the MaleSurvivor forum: (link in comments)


    Picture of me as an infant, around the age of the initial abuse: (link in comments)


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    I am now at a place where I wish to continue to reach out to other survivors via “The Mighty” to help me further along on this healing path.

    Post

    My Survivor Story - Part 4

    -- #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Csa #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAbuse #Incest #incestsurvivor #PTSD #CPTSD #repressedmemories #posttraumaticstessdisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #csasurvivor #Abuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #SexualTrauma #Trauma #DID


    Parts 1, 2, & 3: (links in comments)


    In May 2019, this was uncovered:


    After sharing some “half memories” from my childhood here on Male Survivor forum, we were able to deduce that I was also Trafficked by my father to multiple boy-swap events (this was later confirmed in therapy). This happened between the ages of 5 and 8. He brought me to these events so other male “perps” could abuse me while my father could abuse other boys that had been brought. I was sedated during these events so the memories have been sparse. I created an entire post on this new “revelation” in the Paid-Members-Only section of the MaleSurvivor forum.


    Trafficking story (Paid-MS-Members-Only): (link in comments)

    Info on paid MS Memberships is here: (link in comments)

    Picture of Me at age 6 (during the time of this Trafficking Abuse):  (link in comments)


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    In July 2019, this update happened: 


    I started going to a PTSD-Therapist today. I shared my story. I received a formal PTSD Diagnosis with some “Dissociation Behaviors”. After several sessions, this was adjusted to “PTSD with dissociative symptoms.”  The main therapeutic modes he uses with me are "CRM" which stands for "Comprehensive Resource Model" (a less severe alternative to traditional EMDR therapy, especially when the trauma memories are less visual). He also uses Huna Therapy (which is based on traditional Hawai'ian Healing practices). Both have been extremely helpful in my healing. He is like a PTSD endoscopic surgeon: knowing exactly where to guide his tools to reach the part that needs to be addressed without leaving my guts spilled all out. I am able to go back to work within an hour after my sessions and function pretty well the rest of the day. 


    More Info on CRM Therapy: (link in comments)

    More Info on Huna Therapy: (link in comments)


    We were able to recover more of the body/muscle memories associated with the Trafficking Abuse. I can remember multiple men, multiple “positions” and “acts” being done to me, far beyond what my father had ever done to me.


    (Continues in Part 5 - link in comments) 

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    My Survivor Story - Part 3

    #tags:#ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Csa #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAbuse #Incest #incestsurvivor #PTSD #CPTSD #repressedmemories #posttraumaticstessdisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #csasurvivor #Abuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #SexualTrauma #Trauma #DID


    Parts 1 & 2:  (links in comments)


    However, a few years before my mother passed away, my wife and I were able to get more information about her marriage to my father. It turns out, my mother never wanted children. She had a bad experience with her own mother and did not want to be responsible for other children. My father insisted. Once we got old enough where he lost interest, he left us. So my mother was now a single mother with 3 kids she originally never wanted. This also means that the only reason I was born was apparently to satisfy his pedophlia.


    In the past year since starting my “Heavy Recovery”, I have made huge leaps on my own healing journey. 


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    In early April 2019, this happened:


    I had my first appointment with my new Christian Therapist (last professional therapy appointment was August 2018). Session went well. I was able to share almost all of my story. He is helping me look for a PTSD Specialist. Focus with him will be Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I started a web-based Therapy Journal describing my therapy progress.


    My Therapy Journal can be found here (via Male Survivor’s forum page): (link in comments) 


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    In mid-April 2019, this update happened:


    I was inspired by those on Male Survivor’s forum who are battling clergy abuse head-on to re-open that chapter in my life (being abused at age 20 by a Methodist Minister). I reached out to the National UMC organization to let them know what had happened. I document the entire experience in another MS post. It was both informative and frustrating. The minister had passed away in 2014, but he had actually sent me an apology letter which I never received until 2019. Also after my initial report, 2 other victims came forward, though their abuse had 10 years and 20 years prior to my own. UMC offered to pay for my therapy but they ended up offering me an insultingly low amount, (along with a ridiculously complicated reimbursement procedure) so I refused to take it and we remain at an impasse for now. I ended up sharing my story with a newspaper covering my college town, which ran the story in the fall of 2019. UMC refused to cooperate with the newspaper for the story. 


    Full story can be found here (via Male Survivor’s forum page):  (link in comments) 


    (Continues in Part 4 - link in comments) 

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    My Survivor Story - Part 2


    #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Csa #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAbuse #Incest #incestsurvivor #PTSD #CPTSD #repressedmemories #posttraumaticstessdisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #csasurvivor #Abuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #SexualTrauma #Trauma #DID


    Part 1: (link in comments)

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    Therapy has uncovered more of exactly what happened. My abuse, however, happened when I was only a toddler. I was about 3 years old. My father would get mom drunk so she would pass out and not know what was going on. He would then get me to drink beer via a sippy cup (or use other forms of sedation) - hoping I would get too impaired to remember. He would then force oral sex on me - pleasuring himself in my tiny mouth and throat. His entire weight (250+ pounds - he was a large man) engulfing my small 3-year-old body. I was immobilized. Completely helpless. I could not move.


    This happened multiple times, multiple nights. Dozens, perhaps hundreds of times. I was not his only victim. As I mentioned, he did the same thing to his 4 younger sisters when they were little. He may have also done it to my 2 older sisters and his younger brother - I do not know (1 of my sisters and his only brother have passed away, my surviving sister has almost no memories from childhood whatsoever).


    Picture of me at age 3: (link in comments)


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    Since this uncovering, I have attended survivor support groups and professional therapy. I have come a long way in my road to healing.


    I have been married to a great woman for almost 30 years and have 2 kids (boy and girl) - both recently graduated from college. They all know my story and are all supportive.


    SSA is still an issue, but less now. I have always had a fear and distrust of men as a result of my abuse. My healing journey has helped with that a lot. I am now heavily involved with and serve in the Men's Ministry in my church (non-denominational evangelical).


    I tried to bring up the abuse to my mother, but she seemed pretty clueless. She knew about the abuse by my father towards his sisters but said she could never quite "wrap her head around it." I decided not to push the issue. Also, both she and my father were heavy drinkers at the time. I assume she had absolutely no idea what was happening. She then passed away a few years ago before I could bring up the subject again.


    (Continues in Part 3 - link in comments)