Social Phobia

Here I am done it again. Why can’t I just get better at handling my emotions? I’m sitting here on the bathroom floor after hurting my myself and now hating myself. I tried to make a phone call (which I have anxiety and social phobia so this is hard for me) to schedule an appointment with psychiatry through a new provider. Long story short I freaked out at my job of 12 yrs and took a medical leave of absence, collecting STD…my employer ended up terminating me (is that even legal?!?!) so I lost my insurance. I had been seeing the same psych dr. for years…now I have my husband’s insurance which is not covered by that provider…so the switch is necessary and I hate it! Anyway the lady on the phone informed me that my new insurance does not cover anything for psychiatry or behavioral health…wtf…how is that a thing????? So what I get no help…cut off from mental health services…this thing is going to be eventually kill me. I hung up the phone and just started bawling…then I got mad. I can’t believe I hurt myself again. Feels like there’s no hope for change.
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder

Almost a decade back, I went through a long period of chronic low-intensity depression. The trigger was a job loss.

I had been working as a TV journalist covering health and one day what I had been fearing, came to pass.

I had not been doing well at work- I knew that I could be fired anytime. But, I was just paralyzed and could do no better than wait for the proverbial axe to fall.

But when it did, I became mentally dysfunctional. I lost confidence in myself, i had nil energy and was full of an extreme sense of hopelessness and helplessness.

Perhaps, the most bizarre thing is that I couldn’t identify these symptoms as depression, even though I reported on health.

But, why am I talking about this today? Because, I feel that even though I did recover eventually, I never reclaimed my whole self as a professional and a woman.

Taking stock of my life I realized that un-resourceful behaviours and thinking patterns have held me back in forming healthy relationships as well as setting goals and following through.

I saw the harm these were doing to me and wanted to cut back on the crap.

Better Late than Never

I reached out to a mental health organization where I was told that I could seek a face-to-face session with a psychiatrist or participate in their group therapy session.

I opted for the second. Guess, I was only willing to take small steps and meeting a psychiatrist was still too extreme a step for me.

What is Group Therapy

Group therapy is usually prescribed to people who may be suffering from a gamut of mental health issues like anxiety, depression, panic attacks, social phobia etc.

It involves at least one mental health professional and two or more people in therapy. The group dynamic steers people to feeling better as they feel supported and this helps them achieve their goals.

Mental Wellbeing is a Valid Self-Help Goal

Mental wellbeing has been on my bucket list for a long time. My other goals are improving my physical health . What I feel is that if you are not 100% right in your mental and emotional bodies, you will not experience complete health. The body will rebel as it’s already under a lot of trauma.

Self-help for women, I feel, should and must include checking in on whether they are feeling happy and joyful. And if they are not, they should do something about it. A sense of feeling empty is a definite red flag.

My First Day in Group Therapy

On the day of my first group therapy session, I met two psychologists and three people.

The psychologists were present during the entire session and they were trying slot the issues each one of us was facing.

One of the participants was dealing with depression and had been prescribed group therapy by her psychiatrist. The other two were trying to make sense of their anhedonia and sense of disconnect from normal life. I was seeking support for my social anxiety and self-limiting thoughts and behaviour.

Prodded by the psychologists, we started talking about our issues. I was surprised that I was able to share the traumas that I have never spoken about to even the people closest to me, so easily. Perhaps what helped me was that no one was judging me here and that I felt safe and supported.

I have a major problem of being judged in social situations. A participant helped me deal with this by sharing how she deals with her anxiety. She said she dialogues with her anxiety, instead of ignoring it. She actually says this to her anxiety- “I can hear you. But, please give me 10 minutes as I am doing this important task and then I shall be ready to give you my full attention after that.”

I also tend to tune out while listening. I either get judgemental or lose interest. But I was so invested here. I was looking bang into the eyes of the speakers and feeling so connected.

Sharing my experience of being in group therapy, I remember saying that never had I met such self-aware individuals in my life and that I had opened up about some of my worst wounds and was feeling healed.

This was my first session and there is literally a long way to go… But, I do feel proud that I have been able to break out of my shell, face my demons and am willing to slay them finally.

Therapy, I feel, is an investment in myself and deciding to begin therapy is a big step forward.

Two of my coworkers, whom I thought were friends and cared apparently don't...my boss called me in early to her office, and the company nurse was there too; asking me if my "chronic health issue" was keeping me from doing my job.? The chronic health issues they were referring to are my 5 diagnosis of mental Illness. I talk about them yes, cause I studied them so I can recognize them.. my coworkers thoughts and feelings are "why is it our problem?" "We don't really care, we're here to work get paid and go home." The irony of this is that we work with developmentally disabled adults, some of them have some of the same issues I have, especially anxiety.. they still don't care.. I feel like an idiot because I thought I was helping..I was way wrong..im probably blowing this out of proportion. I feel like I shouldn't even post this cause it's stupid, and I'm complaining.. #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SocialPhobia #biopolardisorder #PanicDisorder

I've struggled with my mental health for the longest. I'm currently 18 and probably have dealt with it since the age of 10. Most of it started off as anxiety but it grew as I got older. As a child, I definitely had a bit anxiety but a lot of kids do, especially since I was attached to my parents and hated going to school. I consider myself a complex case. I'm sure some of my relatives think the same. I struggle with generalized anxiety and panic disorder, OCD, phobias (which I will delve more into), persistent depressive disorder, PMDD, and ADHD. I've been diagnosed by a professional, so this isn't just a list I made up.

With my anxiety, I have many triggers. Some are open spaces, some are areas with tall ceilings, some are crowded places, sometimes it's just the public scene, etc.. Anxiety can be complex because sometimes I'll experience anxiety for no reason or it'll be triggered by a sensation. My symptoms vary, too. Sometimes I'll experience a stomach upset, clamminess, fidgetiness, pins and needle feelings, hot flashes, derealization, dry mouth, burping, crying spells, overwhelmed (usually sensory overload), throat feels like it'll close up (the sensations that i hate), and so much more. It can be hard to build the courage to push out of my comfort zone because these symptoms are scary. Sometimes my heart will race or other times, I may feel some lightheadedness or just an impending doom of dread. It's scary and hard to deal with.

With my OCD, I have a variety of subtypes. There's the Harm OCD, Sexual OCD, Somatic OCD, Existential OCD, Memory OCD, and more. I'm often embarassed by some aspects of my OCD because the obsessive thoughts are hard, espeically when they're intrusive. My harm OCD has intrusive thoughts, my sexual OCD has intrusive thoughts, my somatic OCD focuses on my body sensations/feelings, my existential OCD focuses on my fear of time passing and going through identity crisises and questioning my own self and if i'm being me. Then, my memory OCD focuses on my fear of losing memories and wanting to remember every little thing. I also do have health anxiety lol.

My phobias are also very complex. I have agoraphobia, altocelarophobia (ties in my agoraphobia), batophobia (sort of ties into agoraphobia), emetophobia, and social phobia. Agoraphobia is basically a fear of no exit and being outside of your comfort zone and some triggers (which mine are) crowded areas, public spaces, open areas, and more. Altocelarophobia is a fear of high ceilings, which can really tie into agoraphobia. Batophobia is a fear of tall buildings because I feel so small compared to the building and of course,, I'm standing next to something that makes me feel off and strange. I like to feel comfort and safe, I do not like to feel like I'm exposed or ungrounded or unsafe. Emetophobia is a fear of vomiting, so yknow that. My social phobia isn't severe but it ties into my anxiety and oepning up to talk to people

I’m at one of the lowest points in my life. I feel like totally giving up. Just about everybody in my life has let me down massively. Nobody understands me nor do they care to. I can’t keep friends due to my #Aspergers and my situation in life. Apparently you need money to have friends and I have none. As soon as they find out how bad my situation is and how socially awkward I am they start running to find the chicken exit. Nobody cares really. They all just pretend to be my friend because to not be apparently friendly on the surface would look bad and then it would be too obvious just how much they really can’t stand me. I’m a black hole with no end in sight. I just confuse people, make them feel uncomfortable, and cost them money. I’m surprised there’s not any shooting range targets made up of me yet. I seriously feel hated, not disliked, hated by almost everyone I have ever met. Not only do I feel hopeless but I also feel worthless. I have a fear of interacting with people. I believe it’s called Social Phobia and it literally paralyzes me. I hate myself and who I’ve become. If I had the guts I would kill myself but trust me. I don’t.