stillbirth

This is the meme I woke up to, the first thing I saw in my social media feed. I did not receive a trigger warning for this meme. How very meta. We are used to memes filling our social media fees. Sometimes they are jokes that make you double over with laughter at their biting observational wit. Oftentimes they are platitudes that sound fresh out of a greeting card. Do I share memes on the regular? Absolutely! Do I have an app on phone to make memes? I do! Especially in October, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

In October, my feeds fill up with memes with gut-punching feelings and facts about the month of awareness, about every aspect of losing a baby. I work hard on awareness during this month, helping to illuminate global landmarks pink and blue, shining our baby lights all over the world on October 15th. I stop often for self-care breaks that can include tears. I am usually steeled against the bulk of the impact of the deep, painful truths filling my social media. But I have seen these memes before, each year. Until this morning.

In October, the memes become more than trite cliches with pretty backgrounds. Their truths are triggering, hard to shake from your heart and your head and your gut, triggering truths without warning, pulling the trigger of the shot through your soul. Taking you to the truth of the matter, the base black bottom where your baby died.

This is where you feel so completely alone. It takes you back into that black hole where postpartum depression tried to swallow you whole. Above you is a light, so high above you, hands reaching down to hold you, to help pull you up because you are not alone. Others know your pain. You can clasp their hands as you climb and claw and crawl out of the dark. Discover yourself in a warm, loving crowd of families who also live in some shade of grief. Take their hands, hold their hearts: you are all in this together.

No matter how many times the triggering memory of the stark words of that meme ran through my head today – “my baby died.” My baby died. My babies died. - I reminded myself that it is okay to cry. Breathe deeply. Make tea. Have a snack. Paint your nails. Talk to friends. Do something today to help other parents who have lost babies. Celebrate the new memories we made with our babies this year. Start making plans for next October.

Do not give up.

Do not give up.

Your baby loves you.

Your babies love you.

That is a love that never dies.

That is a love that triggers life to action.

We have light to shine into the darkness for ourselves, for our children, for everyone still lost.

#PostpartumDepression #babyloss #InfantLoss #Miscarriage #SIDS #Stillbirth #medicalnecessity #PregnancyLoss #pregnancylossawareness #infantlossawareness #blaw2021 #WaveofLight #Loneliness

I just made a registry for my son and it feels kind of silly saying that but I never got to have a baby shower or a registry and I don't plan on sharing it with anyone because I obviously don't need any of those things since I don't have a living baby but I don't know, it felt like one of those things that I never got to do that I want to do for a sense of closure. #Miscarriage #Stillbirth #ChildLoss

#Miscarriage #Stillbirth #InfantLoss #ChildLoss

I’ve always struggled with anxiety and was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 20, as a result of childhood abuse. But truthfully, I was facing everything and doing pretty well considering. But in 2020 (age 25) I lost my daughter. When I was 20 weeks pregnant with her she was given a diagnosis that would not be compatible with life. We tried to make the most of our time with her though. She was loved so so much and I was always very in tune with her/my pregnancy. Despite trying to make the most of our situation with trips, a baby bucket list and talking to her with belly buds, she died when I was 26 weeks pregnant and I had to deliver her stillborn after a very traumatic four days in the hospital. I held her for 12 beautiful hours. Then I had to leave the hospital without my baby and plan her funeral. I’ve been a complete mess ever since. She was (and still is) so loved. It has been such a challenge to even do simple tasks. Everything feels too big to handle. I break down daily. It’s debilitating. My arms physically ache to hold her again. Four months after we lost her I got pregnant again. I was surprised but happy. Once again, I was very in tune with my pregnancy. However I miscarried at 7 weeks. Miscarriages are so common and the condition my first daughter had wasn’t genetic so neither instance was anything I did or that could have been prevented according to my doctor - just absolute crap luck! But it’s hard to not feel like it was me. Like if I was healthier, happier, better, etc. I wouldn’t have lost my second baby. If you’re still reading this, I appreciate you. Sometimes it’s nice to just get my feelings out there. I do have an extremely supportive husband and family but no one close to me actually knows how this feels. My husband was devastated, but he didn’t have the same experience at all. I consider it a blessing that I was so in touch with my pregnancies and would never trade my babies existence in order to relieve my pain but damn. It’s hard. Sometimes I wonder how much a person can actually handle. Because I’m at my breaking point. #ChildLoss #PregnancyLoss #Grief #PTSD #ChildhoodAbuse #Anencephaly #Stillbirth

Join the International Wave of Light on October 15th by lighting a candle at 7 pm. The result is that a rippling Wave of Light will surround the globe for 24 hours in memory of our babies gone too soon. Over 500 global landmarks will illuminate pink, blue, and purple in an impressive global light display! Illuminate your house pink and blue! We remember your beloved babies. #WaveofLight #Miscarriage #PostpartumDepression #PTSD #Memory

I know I have to get to her.

I feel the pull in my gut to leave where I am.

I know she is safe and I know she is not far. So I stand up and I go looking for her.

I realise, I’m in my house and I start to walk down the stairs.

I pause halfway down the stairs and I look to my right.

There she is.

I can see her wiggling

I can hear her babbling

She’s dressed in a cerise pink, footless onesie that stops at her ankle exposing her little chubby feet.

I feel myself melt

I feel my breathing quicken

I get to the bottom of the stairs and I enter my brothers bedroom.

The room is clean, the walls are white, and the light seems brighter than usual.

She’s lying on the bed, on top of a cream soft blanket and she continues to babble and wiggle.

My brother is playing his Xbox and I guess is supposed to be watching her for me.

He pauses his game, exits the room and leaves us alone.

I move closer towards her and I see her chubby fingers playing with her chubby feet and my heart beats a little faster.

Her skin, is the same shade of golden honey and softer than velvet

Her baby hair is silky and jet black, and pushed to one side

I look down and lock eyes with my dark brown, doe-eyed girl

She looks about 8months old

And I can’t believe it

I’m looking at my little chunky monkey

She’s looks at me and smiles.

She knows I’m her mummy.

She’s happy to see me but could never know how happy I am to see her.

My heart is beating much faster and I feel myself smiling.

I’m giddy with love.

I’m giddy with excitement

I pick her up and feel the weight of her in my arms.

I can’t take my eyes off her

She is just fantastically beautiful

She smiles her gummy smile and I feel myself melt further and fall deeper in love than I’ve ever felt.

I smell her neck and my head spins. I’m intoxicated by her

I kiss her feet

She giggles and I kiss her feet again

Nothing like kissing a babies foot or hearing a baby laugh.

I’m soaking her up.

She looks like me but I can also see my mum.

I just can’t take my eyes off her

I try my hardest to take in every detail of her

I’m in awe and I don’t want to let her go

I feel joy burst in my heart and I feel peace cover me.

Then I blink and suddenly I’m awake

And just like that she’s gone

She’s drifted away and formed into the words you’re now reading

Then I think…

Will I only see my children in my dreams?

#Stillbirth #Miscarriage #Infertility #Ttc #baby #Love #Grief #MentalHealth #mom #Poem #PostnatalDepression #PregnancyLoss #WritingThroughIt #dreams