sucide

Has anyone any ideas on what I could use to pull my self upright when lying flat all the bed pull ups you can buy do not say ligature proof I have chronic sucidality among other things and osteo arthritis with hip pain these ladder designers don't seem to think that you could have physical issues but need to protect your mental safety as well at moment are using folded into a roll a bathsheet any ideas would be greatly appreciated that I could try to pull myself up#Pain #SucidePrevention #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #sucide awareness

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#sucide

31 years ago at this moment I was in the birthing room getting ready to see my first baby. I can visualize every moment like it was yesterday. I wasn't supposed to be able to have children, the doctor had told me. Every child is a miracle but for me and my husband it was a miracle. We didn't know if we were having a baby boy or a baby girl so we had picked out the names for the baby that I dreamed of being a mom since I was a child. We chose the following names, Jacob Michael or Sarah Ann. At 2:08pm I gave birth to a 5.8oz baby boy! He was Full-term and I had gaind almost 40 lbs. He was so tiny that we had to buy premature baby clothes. Eventually he gained weight and grew into the extra large feet he was born with! 😄 I can't believe my baby is no longer here. It will be 3 years on Thanksgiving when he made the decision to end his life. I wish he knew he took a part of other's lives with him. I had decided that tonight I would go out and celebrate his life. Bought now I can barely breathe and want to hide in my bed from the world. I need lots of prayers and love right now. Happy birthday my "Honey Roasted Peanut" until we meet again remember I love you and miss you even when I'm asleep. #SuicideLossSurvivors #sucide #Heartbroken
#prayers #ChildLoss #AfterSuicideLoss

Today in group the topic got dark and i was my mind put bac to remmeber something i don't want to. About #sucide and about it being selfish act, How it effects other people blah blah. The lady in charge of the group didn't let it go to far. It kind of shaken me up and brought my mood down. I had to take a walk afterwoods. But yeah. #Depression

I am in such a dark place right now and don’t know how to get out of it. The doctor has changed my medications 3 times and the last time he took me off of my one mood med. it has been a long 3 months and I feel that I am going deeper into that dark place. 😞😞😞😞😞

My eldest brother committed suicide last week, feelings of intense sadness consume every part of my being. I would give anything to take away his pain, isolation, anger and fear. I can’t eat, sleeping is filled with recurrent nightmares, waking in full body sweat. Questions riddle, “if only, if only,” taunting my torment. I need help isn’t an easy statement, it’s very unfamiliar. Truthfully, I do need help. Searching the internet to find a place, a safe haven that accepts Medicare seems impossible. Sure, I could go to any hospital, run through their gamut of dressing me in bright orange itchy clothes, urinating in a cup and wait while eyes just stare in judgement for an hour+. I went through that journey once, never again. I’d give anything to be with my brother, life has no meaning, no purpose. My pillow, poor pillow receives my screams, punches, tears, verbal outburst. I’ve started self destructing again to trade pain, it’s not effective. Do you know a safe place, offering treatment, that accepts Medicare?

If you feel like there's nothing else to live for why is it so bad if you make the choice to disappear?

I’ve worked so hard to recognize my triggers but I missed this one. Reading stuff on mighty. Having silent heartburn. Lack of sleep. Physical pain.
My fight or flight response used to be just flight, the crying wanting to get away.
When my ptsd shifted to CPTSD,my response is now fight. I’m 5’4” and 150lbs, weak.
Yesterday my triggers set me off again and I didn’t have time to get it under control.
I don’t hurt anyone physically but verbally I’m a nightmare. The rage changes me, I don’t recognize myself at all. I destroy things around me and at this point I feel no physical pain.
It honestly scares me. I now understand the rage soldiers have when traumatized. I understand why families leave them. My brother is one of them. I understand why they choose to end it - it feels as the only way out, the never ending nightmare.
At this moment I feel lost. I did a lot of damage last night. I’ve appoligized to my boyfriend (he’s a soldier as well) but you can only appoligize so many times. #sucide