31 years ago at this moment I was in the birthing room getting ready to see my first baby. I can visualize every moment like it was yesterday. I wasn't supposed to be able to have children, the doctor had told me. Every child is a miracle but for me and my husband it was a miracle. We didn't know if we were having a baby boy or a baby girl so we had picked out the names for the baby that I dreamed of being a mom since I was a child. We chose the following names, Jacob Michael or Sarah Ann. At 2:08pm I gave birth to a 5.8oz baby boy! He was Full-term and I had gaind almost 40 lbs. He was so tiny that we had to buy premature baby clothes. Eventually he gained weight and grew into the extra large feet he was born with! 😄 I can't believe my baby is no longer here. It will be 3 years on Thanksgiving when he made the decision to end his life. I wish he knew he took a part of other's lives with him. I had decided that tonight I would go out and celebrate his life. Bought now I can barely breathe and want to hide in my bed from the world. I need lots of prayers and love right now. Happy birthday my "Honey Roasted Peanut" until we meet again remember I love you and miss you even when I'm asleep. #SuicideLossSurvivors #sucide #Heartbroken
#prayers #ChildLoss #AfterSuicideLoss
Today in group the topic got dark and i was my mind put bac to remmeber something i don't want to. About #sucide and about it being selfish act, How it effects other people blah blah. The lady in charge of the group didn't let it go to far. It kind of shaken me up and brought my mood down. I had to take a walk afterwoods. But yeah. #Depression
I am in such a dark place right now and don’t know how to get out of it. The doctor has changed my medications 3 times and the last time he took me off of my one mood med. it has been a long 3 months and I feel that I am going deeper into that dark place. 😞😞😞😞😞
My eldest brother committed suicide last week, feelings of intense sadness consume every part of my being. I would give anything to take away his pain, isolation, anger and fear. I can’t eat, sleeping is filled with recurrent nightmares, waking in full body sweat. Questions riddle, “if only, if only,” taunting my torment. I need help isn’t an easy statement, it’s very unfamiliar. Truthfully, I do need help. Searching the internet to find a place, a safe haven that accepts Medicare seems impossible. Sure, I could go to any hospital, run through their gamut of dressing me in bright orange itchy clothes, urinating in a cup and wait while eyes just stare in judgement for an hour+. I went through that journey once, never again. I’d give anything to be with my brother, life has no meaning, no purpose. My pillow, poor pillow receives my screams, punches, tears, verbal outburst. I’ve started self destructing again to trade pain, it’s not effective. Do you know a safe place, offering treatment, that accepts Medicare?
I’ve worked so hard to recognize my triggers but I missed this one. Reading stuff on mighty. Having silent heartburn. Lack of sleep. Physical pain.
My fight or flight response used to be just flight, the crying wanting to get away.
When my ptsd shifted to CPTSD,my response is now fight. I’m 5’4” and 150lbs, weak.
Yesterday my triggers set me off again and I didn’t have time to get it under control.
I don’t hurt anyone physically but verbally I’m a nightmare. The rage changes me, I don’t recognize myself at all. I destroy things around me and at this point I feel no physical pain.
It honestly scares me. I now understand the rage soldiers have when traumatized. I understand why families leave them. My brother is one of them. I understand why they choose to end it - it feels as the only way out, the never ending nightmare.
At this moment I feel lost. I did a lot of damage last night. I’ve appoligized to my boyfriend (he’s a soldier as well) but you can only appoligize so many times. #sucide
I was going to kill myself today but then I thought what legacy will I leave my daughter a coward?
Im not that. Not even close.
Then I thought about it I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to feel worthless anymore.
I don’t want to feel like no matter what I do what I don’t do it’s still not good enough because everyone is going to look at my behavior from almost 20 years ago.
It’s bad enough I think about that and still move on.
I forgave myself but nobody else forgives me for the war I had with myself.
I really wanted to kill myself today. Then I wanted to be ghost me sitting in a lotus position throwing up the universal peace sign and watching how fake everyone was going to react to my death.
Why didn’t she call me? No no no why didn’t you call her? Why didn’t she tell me what hurt her? You saw her everyday you don’t see she was hurting?
I wanted to kill myself till I realized I had no weapon to destroy me forever because I don’t want to overdose because drugs were meant to enjoy and not take lethally. The trick to drugs is to hide the pain not total annihalatiln of yourself.
I don’t want to cut my wrists because that would look so weird holding the rosary on my coffin.
I don’t have a gun I can’t shoot myself in the head and rid myself of what hurts me.
Im not jumping off a window or roof because I don’t want to be walking like some of y’all.
I’ll just restrict it’s the lesser of 2 evils. I just want to disappear.
#sucide #SuicidalIdeation #Anorexia #Poetry #CheckInWithMe
my body has broken down just fighting with my own feelings, just struggling with my thoughts. no amount of sleep is helping with my headache. I can’t fight my mind anymore. I have scars all over my wrist and despite cutting myself I still feel the pain and it’s so much to contain that I can barely breathe. I need help. my FP walked out on me today and made me feel so useless unloved and unwanted. he humiliated me in front of my brother and his new wife of two days in a house full of people who came in for the wedding. I absolutely hate him right now and I can’t seem to heal. he came back in the evening as if everything is fine but it can’t be, the scars on the body and the mind and the heart would stay. I feel so hopeless. bpd is impossible to deal with. I want to give up now.
#Feeling #Heartbroken #alone #needhelp
I cant stop thinking about how much better everyone would be better off without me. I feel like no one has ever cared about me. when I was younger my cousin raped mme and touched me all the time. when I told my teacher about it my family including my mom and sister took his side. when I was 16 my sisters boyfriend tried to rape me I fought him off for 2 hours till my sister finally came in and got him off. Yet she stayed with him for another year. Now my sister is refusing to talk to me because her boyfriend wouldn't leave me alone after I asked him over and over again to leave me alone. I just feel like I have ruined her life ever since I was little and if I ended it she would be so much happier and better off with out me. I have asked my family to help me find help so I dont do it and they are all saying that I am just looking for attention.