Suicidal Thoughts

I am sorry I haven't been on here for a while to comment on peoples posts, I had to take a bit of time off to try and sort myself out.
This is what i experienced yesterday.
I went out the door and with my head down i started walking along the street. I quickened my pace. Inside i was dying. I couldn't breathe, short sharp breaths , trying to hold back the tears, my emotions becoming overwhelming . The feeling of hopelessness I just wanted to scream out to the world "Someone Help Me " I just wanted it to end. I had to fight the fact that i could quite easily walk out in front of a lorry but that wouldn't be fair on the driver. My legs were shaking , my head dizzy , the panic rising within me, i needed to make it back to my car. I could see it in the distance, focusing on it as it got closer, i opened the door, sat down and let all the emotions out. Uncontrollably I sobbed and sobbed, i didn't think i would ever stop. Eventually I started to get myself and my breathing back under control. I sat their recalling my 25 minute conversation with the mental health nurse who i had just seen. I thought i was okay to drive the 8 miles home but i wasn't. I had to really concentrate as i kept drifting from one side to the other. To be honest all i wanted to do was drive straight into a tree but there wasn't any suitable ones. I eventually made it home in what seemed like hours. I sat on the drive for ages in a daze and emotionally drained.
I didn't know what to expect from my check in with my mental health nurse but i needed help and he gave me no answers , except to wait until i can have therapy . Thats not what i wanted to hear. Even when i showed him the cuts on my wrists he said the talking therapy should help. He hasn't changed my medication either. I felt worse for seeing him, i wish i hadn't gone. I feel like i am on my own fighting this until i get to do therapy again. I know i shouldn't of taken double dose of my meds this morning but i have to try something, if they work i can take double for the next few days until i run out
#Depression #MentalHealth #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm

I don't understand what's going on..I just kept feeling down -extremely down- for the past two days...I kept having suicidal thoughts and the idea of death doesn't annoy me..I just know that I will regret doing it..because my parents will suffer especially mom..Idk about dad tbh..I don't want people to look down at my parents for having a child who took her life away..People will judge them a lot which is definitely something I don't want...

I won't lie, I have no energy for studies yet school just started..All I want is to stay near someone crying...But I for some reason refuse to talk about how I feel to anyone...I swear to god I kept self harming myself yesterday again and wanted to do it all day but didn't have the energy...I think I made the wrong choice by opting for preparatory classes..not that I don't have the intelectual capacity for it but I just can't study no matter how hard I try it's like all my energy have gone expired...I don't eat much lately, I lost two kilograms in a week but yea...I sincerely don't know what to do...

Mom took me to a psychologist yesterday and it was quite nice, she was a really nice woman...But mom went to her and told her about my self harm even though I begged her not to say it..I wasn't ready yet..Can you imagine telling someone about something like that just after an hour of talking ? I personally don't have the capacity to do so...I also seem to have lots of the symptoms of a borderline person...But for some reason I just don't feel like doing efforts to change..I am just so tired ngl..

Just got out of the hospital two weeks ago for suicidal thoughts and the thoughts just won’t go away. My therapist says I’ve had them since childhood they aren’t going to go away. They are just thoughts. But I keep thinking there has to be something to these thoughts. Can’t change medications, already in DBT therapy twice a week and see the therapist once a week. I feel so stuck….