Suicidal Thoughts

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Suicidal thoughts help me stay alive?

Hey guys,
Ever since my former therapist said this sentence to me, I wonder about it.
Does anyone of you feel like suicidal thoughts make them stay alive?

I guess the point is having control. If I have the control to end my life anytime (hypothetically), I don't need to do it.
Anyone gets my thoughts?

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Just denied SSI at ALJ stage for the second time

Edited to add: I do have a lawyer who will look into my options once he gets the notification. My diagnoses are major depressive disorder, ADHD, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD. I haven't worked in 11 years. I've consistently been in counseling and taking medication since 2017, but have been on and off different antidepressants since 2001.

Hello everyone. I just recently got denied SSI benefits at the ALJ level. I really feel like the judge overlooked and misunderstood several things and I do plan to appeal. Some of the reasons he gave were that I was able to plan my son's birthday party, I go to my sister's for holidays, and that I've never been hospitalized. He also said there's no mention of suicidal thoughts on my records even though there most definitely is. My son's birthday party took very little effort on my part. I booked it online with the local skating rink and invited only my sister's family (her husband and 2 sons) and one of my son's school friends (his mother brought and picked him up). I've never been hospitalized because I've worked as a case manager in the mental health field and know a number of people at the local hospitals. I don't want to end up being screened by a former co-worker, it's as simple as that. I "attend" my children's sporting events in that I drive them to the park 10 minutes from our home and watch from the car. I'm just wondering if anyone has any other input that I can add to my appeal. I was already denied in 2020 at the ALJ level and my work credits have since expired. SSI is my last resort and really my only hope.

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Flapping In The Wind

#Depression I feel as though I have been discarded by my mental health team and left with my dark thoughts of no longer being here!!!

About a month now, my new psychiatrist and I made a plan to discontinue the original anti-depressant medication I had been on for about a decade. We did a genetics test and learned a lot about how my DNA metabolizes medications. The doctor prescribed a new medication, and I started to take it. I began to feel horrible physically, but I brushed it off to withdraw symptoms from my original anti-depressant medication.

However, I started to do my own research on anti-depressant withdrawal systems, and I researched the new anti-depressant medication. Two weeks into the new anti-depressant, I began to feel worse. Now my mouth and upper throat are killing 😫 me!!! So again, I'm researching and reached out to my dentist, my family physician, and eventually my psychiatrist. My dentist suggested I talk to my family physician, which I did, and they suggested I stop the new anti-depressant for two days to see if my symptoms subside. My psychiatrist wanted me to taper for an added week on a lower dose. I listened to my family physician and immediately stopped the new anti-depressant medication. And guess what?! The horrible symptoms I was feeling in my mouth eventually stopped!! So I determined I was having a horrible allergic reaction to the new anti-depressant medication, which is scary 😨 now thinking about it.

My psychology is leaving the country for a month, so they wanted me to schedule for another new psychiatrist 😫😫!!! Apparently, when I called last week to schedule a new application, I was scheduled for April 8th. At the time, I thought it was okay. However, now it's unrealistic to make a patient who has been taken off the highest dose of an anti-depressant for a decade go without any supervision or medication for over two weeks and suffering with physical issues!!!

I called the doctor's office and was told that there is nothing they can do until my appointment on April 8th, and if I can't wait, then I need to go to the hospital 😫. Are they serious?!!!! Is this the proper course of medical care and advice to give a patient who has suicidal thoughts to deal with it until your appointment or go to the hospital!

I should not have to be admitted to a hospital in order to see someone who doesn't have any back history about me and knowledge of what I'm going through. Another reason I don't want to go back to the hospital is that I was immensely traumatized by their negligence when I was in crisis and my therapist and case manager picked me up and took me to the hospital. Once they left me that day, I was left in a cell for several hours without anyone coming to see me or evaluate me. Then I was pushed out the door at midnight without receiving any help 😢! I never want to go back and experiment that again!!!

My body is suffering 😫 and I don't know what to do at this point.

Does anyone have any suggestions or advice to help me through this process?

I would simply go to another mental health program. However, I have been taking out of work due to my mental health which caused me to lose my private health insurance so I on medicad and I'm limited on where I can go and what I can do. Help, please! I'm sinking and feeling extremely discouraged, disconnected, and abandoned 😢 😔 😞 💔

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Mighty Family!!!! I have missed you guys so much and thought and prayed for you daily ❤️

Months ago I was at my very worst. My health had gotten so poor that I was fully bed bound and unable to do anything on my own. I also needed constant care with my memory getting so bad I forgot my name, who my family was, all friends a missing blavk hole where they should have been in my memory. I kept getting lost and confused not remembering basic words and my hands were still excruciating with their inability to work getting even more drastic. My pain was a 10+ though doctors only think pain is a 1 to 10 we know it still can rise to the thousands.

Suicidal thoughts were so bad I was actually planning though losing a best friend's to suicide at 15yrs old still kept me and will always keep me from taking a step no one can come back from that haunts family and friends and leaves things so very messy and heartbreaking.

My so-called pain doctor was still doing nothing after 3 years and countless appointments begging for help I'm any form. He kept me on the same teeny tiny dose for years and wouldn't try any other meds or any other options. I had had no episodes ever of overdose or failing any drug tests but still he refused to help at all despite my first appointment with him where he promised to help me get to where I could shower and dress myself daily.

I wanted to ditch him as my doctor soooo many times despite him being my third and last option since we hadn't been able to find any replacement.
I realized the stress and misery he brought me always and especially after every three month appointment. It wasn't worth the useless dose of medicine I was on. Many doctors left me in a lurch to taper off my meds on my own. I knew how to do it so I called and said I was dropping him as my doctor. From that moment on I felt relief like the biggest weight was gone. Yes my pain was excruciating but my mental health was the biggest mess because of so many doctors refusing to help and leaving me since I was 'too complicated for them'. They just didn't want to put in the work at time.

Why be a doctor if you don't want to help anyone?!

Steadily my mental health improved immensely. I had moments where I was happy though still in pain. Naturally I am a very optimistic and happy soul but moving to a new state and having the cruelest doctors unsurprisingly made me so much worse.

I have a home health nurse that actually wants the very best for me and that was priceless and enough.

And then I got a brilliant and lovely rheumatologist who actually asked intelligent questions, explained answers, and was invested in taking as much time as needed to finish solving my health. He UNDERSTOOD!!! And at my second appointment with him he told us the answers we had been searching for for 17yrs! Since I was 13.

On top of my many inherent diagnoses I had psoriatic arthritis spine arthritis, and rheumatoid arthritis!!!!
The thing that we all thought was lupus but just barely didn't fit was the psoriatic arthritis!
It was the last piece of a puzzle we had tried solving many a time.
Interestingly I had finally narrowed my research to these diagnoses and was months away from figuring it out too.
But I was very happy to have the answers early!

My first appointment with the rheumatologist he gave me arthritis medicine and WOW did it work and so much better than any medicine my hundreds of doctors over the years had tried.
My hands improved!!!! I had feeling in them again and was able to do so much more than I had since I was 16 when I had my waist down reconstruction surgeries that would lead to arthritis all over my body especially to where I was completely unable to use my hands by 17. It was so embarrassing and painful that my body seemed so intent on not working eight. Oh how I just wanted you be normal!!!

And my last but of good news is I at LAST got a new pain doctor after being without officially for three months. My mental health anxiety and depression had improved so that my stress and thereby my pain had decreased to #9 on the pain scale!!! After being a 10 for almost 8 years!!!!!

My new pain doctor was COMPLETELY the opposite of my last one.

From a guy who ALWAYS worse fancy suits and thousand dollar shoes to one in jeans and a t-shirt.
From a guy who never smiled and wouldn't put in time and effort to a guy who smiled the whole appointment and was ready and Excited to put in the work to help me live my very best life!
From a guy who was too proper and cold to one who was so friendly and happy about his job.
From one who was terrified of any teeny hit of using medicine to one ready to take any risk if it meant helping his patients be safe but with less pain.

My new doctor was like the twin of actor Vin Diesel and he was so SO SO tall!
Even better since the drive is so hard for patients to do always, he would do telehealth for two appointments, one in person, and then another two telehealth appointments etc. Yay!!!!! Hallelujah!!!
Lol I was and still am so happy! And he wanted a telehealth appointment a week after the first appointment yo make sure my new meds were the best option.

For YEARS I have wanted a doctor who was there to help always and one who helped me with my meds rather than drop me in a black hole and leave all alone to figure out and guess by myself. To actually be a TEAM and work together to help me help my body so I would LIVE like I had begged all my doctor to help me to no avail! I could have a LIFE that I loved and do fun things and spend time with my family!!!! No more sleeping life away in pain and misery and hopelessness!!!!
It only took 17 years! Haha!

So now I am BACK and back to my happy self. I still have aches and pains full body and I have all my health issues and more besides but I am in a better place than I have ever been.

All of your support and love and encouragement to take time for ME was what I needed. I am so thankful for it and for all of your help over these many years.

Now if only it could get easier to post with no problems like before I would dare to call life quite perfect right now ;) 🙏

So consider this a reminder thar life is worth it! If things suck now, just remember that if one day they come up with something that can help you and your conditions, I PROMISE you will want to be around then to live your best life.

Hold onto hope! DON'T GIVE UP!! Please please don't. Through sheer will and the grace of God I am still here and gosh do I look back now and say it was worth the wait I wouldn't want to relive it lol but having a possibility to go to the movies again and do fun things out in the world with my family? It is priceless! Please hold on. Please. You and your best life are worth it! You are Not alone in this.

I am cheering you on and I am on your side. Your happy is out there! You CAN do this!!!!

#AmplifiedMusculoskeletalPainSyndrome #Arthritis #Asthma #Anxiety #bedbound #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #CheckInWithMe #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome #Depression #Disability #DistractMe #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Endometriosis #Fibromyalgia #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #Grief #Insomnia #Lupus #Lymphedema #Headache #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Psoriasis #PTSD #plantarfasciitis #PanicAttack #PanicAttacks #Psychosis #PsoriaticArthritis #RareDisease #RheumatoidArthritis #AnkylosingSpondylitis #MentalHealth #MemoryLoss #MightyTogether #SuicidalThoughts #Scoliosis #Migraine

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Yeaterday night was so hard for me. I had panic attack which was so bad that i was literally gonna hurt myself again something i didn’t do for a long time. Cause i don’t want to hurt myself. I know how much pain i have endured. But,that time my mind wasn’t working. I again had suicidal thoughts. I was continuously looking at my medicines. Also i had knife. I don’t know what i wanted to do. I wanted to give up all on a sudden. Actually my mother told me something that triggered my anxiety so badly that i was pulling my hair so harshly and all. I felt i can't breathe and everything was suffocating me. I had to call my aunt someone who is very supportive and she is with me from the very beginning. I couldn’t even hold the phone properly. My hands were shaking. I hit my hand on the wall hard which is still hurting.. Then i somehow abke to calm down. She helped me to calm down. I am glad that i called her otherwise i don’t know what i would have done. After talking to her, i tried to sleep. Whenever i try to sleep, i feel something is piercing my heart.. And the whole night i had terrible nightmares. I didn’t wake up from the bed cause i was feeling so bad. Also i knew i can't stay without talking to my mother cause she is the only one who is goona do everything for me.. And after that,she was also crying.. I have seen my mother crying with me everything i cried. She is the one who has seen my suffering so closely. So,whatever happens,i know she is there for me .. So she is the one. Yes,she is. I just talked to her crying and she was also crying. I knew she would do that. She said she would do anything for me and i know she really meant it. After talking to her, i feel much better. I can't stay angry at her cause if i door talk to her,then i can never be okay.. And i am glad having my mother and my aunt beside me.. They are my safe place. They are the one who are with me and goona be with me always. Also yesterday i did something. My sister,she always told me that if you weren’t like this,it would have been better. She never understood.. I never got to talk to her about my pain cause i was afraid of her judmental words. But, i wrote my feelings, how much i suffered and everything. Also told her if you ever find someone like me,then never tell them something like this. Yeah, i expressed my feelings. I did. It made me feel good. We all need a chance to share our feelings acuse only we know how much sufferings and pains we are going through. It’s up to then they will understand or not. But, we got our right to speak for ourselves against all these judgements.. Yeah, we do.. #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SuicidalThoughts

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Help Please 🙏🏽 Anti-depressants Withdraw Syndrome

Hi Everyone ❤️ 👋🏾, I am in need of suggestion, support, advice, etc. I have been on an anti-depressant medication at the highest dose for about nine years now. I really couldn't say if it truly worked or helped me from day one when I started on the lowest dose. As a patient, I am naive and uneducated when it comes to anti-depressants and which one would help me. So, like most patients, we go along blindly following and accepting medication that our psychiatrist has prescribed for us to take. We put our total trust in this person to help prescribe the right medication and dose for us.

So, over the nine years, I went along with every suggestion the various psychiatrists gave me about upping dosages and adding medications. When asked if the medications were helping me, my answer was always, "I don't know. What are they supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel?" No one ever took the time to address or acknowledge my answers, and I didn't know what to do. So, I continued to be a guinea pig and take whatever medications they prescribed.

I couldn't turn to my family's for help. One reason why they had no idea I was in crisis, they didn't know I was in intense therapy and that I was taking medications. Two, my family didn't have any point of reference to even help me. Three, they didn't care about me! I was spiraling emotionally and mentally, and no one asked me about me. If I was okay and did I need help? I tried to reach out to a family member by sharing my suicidal thoughts and feelings and that I have begun thinking about a plan. Their response to me was, "Oh, we don't do that or think that way! You need to pray 🙏🏽 and give everything to God!" Yes, I do believe in God and His plan for my life. 🤔, in the midst of my mental health crisis, I have to be honest. My thoughts weren't focused on God. It was focused on ending the pain I was burdened with.

It wasn't until three weeks ago that my psychiatrist changed. I don't believe in accidents or coincidences. I believe in my life. Everything happens for a reason. The moment I met my new psychiatrist, I knew my mental health journey was about to change. The doctor looked over my medication history and immediately said, "I am not going to add nor change any of your medications at this point. I want you to have a test completed that may provide us with more definitive answers. This test I want you to take is a generics test to show how your DNA responds and breaks down different classes of medications." I promise you, I heard the words, "Hallelujah!" ringed through my head!

I had the test performed, and within a weeks time, I had the results. With this particular test, I had to meet with my new psychiatrist and a pharm doctor to go over my test results. The pharm doctor is the one that broke down the test results in depth so I could and my psychology could understand. We discovered that my DNA does not require a high dose of medication. In fact, I require a low dose for it to have an impact. Sadly, all of my medications have increased over the years to the highest dose. All I said to my psychiatrist is that I wished one (just one) of the many doctors I see would have thought of this test a long time ago.

So now it has been decided that the best course of treatment for me moving forward is to stop trying the anti-depressant I was on and try a new medication. They believe that if my original medication ever worked, it only worked for the first two weeks if that long. They discussed options for a few minutes and then explained the plan to me so I understood what was going to happen next. They answered all of my questions. I was concerned about suddenly stopping my original anti-depressant just to begin a new medication. I explained that I the past, I stopped that medication cold turkey, and it was the worst experience I've ever endured with medication! I didn't want to stop at the time and simply couldn't afford to pay for the medication. But everyone worked out, and I started back on it.

So our game plan was to taper me off the original medication over the course of three to four weeks while introducing the new medication in a low dose. As I decreased the old medication, I would increase the new medication. This is where my problems have begun.

I am going through the worst anti-depressant withdrawal symptoms since I went cold turkey years ago. 😫 On top of the withdrawal symptoms, I believe I'm having an allergic reaction to the new medication. So now I have to taper off both medications and start a whole new one.

This is where you all come in with help!

My head constantly feels like I have a lingering headache or migraine 😫 😩 all the time. When I'm able to sleep 😴 it is extremely difficult for me to wake up and open my eyes. I feel like I'm trying to move an elephant 🐘 when I'm trying to open my eyes. I have talked to my psychiatrist and searched the internet, and everything says the same thing, "This is part of the withdrawal process when tapering of anti-depressants."

I'm just trying to find ways to help provide me some relief as my body goes this process.

Has anyone else been through this or something similar before? Can anyone help? I know there isn't a magic remedy, but there is something I can try to help me.

I appreciate everyone's advice, suggestions,and input. Thank you.

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Feeling worse.

I woke up feeling worse. It doesn't help I'm going through an allergy.

Today I get to double the dose of lithium I am taking, hope it helps.

Started researching suicide methods. It is not my emotional mind talking, it is my rational one, it is like "I won't do this forever, this is the logical ending for me". I'm not really going to do it, but it is like "I have options".

I was really dumb at stopping my meds by myself. But I also think sometimes we need the experience and I went for help the minute I started seeing depressive thoughts coming over, but I underestimate how this would take time in real life.

I am 6 weeks feeling this kind of thoughts, during this time I had it worse and I had it better. It feels like even now being a bit better (probably later today I will be feeling ok, this has been my experience), I think with time you start really to not being tough enough to keep going back to this kind of thoughts that turn into feelings.

It is like, someone can cope with feeling shitty more when feeling shitty is the constant, when u start feeling better, being pull back to feeling shitty, it takes a toll on you. Also if u are doing the work and this keeps on happening, it brings desperation.

Sure, I'm not even in my second week of meds, I'm still on a little dose... so... when going through hell don't stop to look around!

#Bipolar2 #Depression #SuicidalThoughts

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