Suicidal Thoughts

Last post for context: What do I do…?? | TW mentions of stress dreams and one swear

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I’ve moved out of where I used to live with my mom and one of my older sisters (has 3 kids now) 2 years ago. I think because it’s summer break for my 2 older nephews, I’m now getting a lot more stress dreams related to my mom and my older sister (my mom was the persecutor of emotional abuse, and I never liked my sister since she’s similar and agrees with her often).

I dropped out of high school after sophomore year many years ago because of being constantly overstimulated and high levels of stress and meltdowns I’ve had over there (especially when constantly trying to get the best grades in a very unnecessarily strict school, horrible place for autistic individuals like me!!). After that, I’ve noticed that more stressful dreams came up after that and it was almost everyday that I’ve gotten them at that point. Now, for that theme, it isn’t too much, usually 1to 3 times a week.

Now, I’m getting these stress dreams related to my mom and older sister constantly ever since late June. Before then, it was a mix of dreams of school and mom and sister for 1 to 3 times a week. Even when I’ve had great days, nothing has changed, not even yesterday. If I’m right, these dreams may last until late August when my 2 older nephews go back to school again. I really fucking hope not, I can only carry so much. I really don’t want them to fucking last for that long, I hate getting them and I don’t want to fucking deal with them anymore. I’m sick of it. How the fuck as I supposed to look forward to sleep now?!

I worry that if this continues for longer, I’m going to start feeling suicidal again. I can already feel that happening as I’m already fucking sick of these dreams every fucking day (there had been like 2 or 3 days where I didn’t had them, not consecutively, either). Why do I even have to fucking deal with this? Why did my early life had to be like this?!

#OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #Trauma #StressDreams #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Vent #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Autistic

I hate my sisters and my mother

they went to far

im tired of this

#DepressiveDisorders #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #EatingDisorders #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation

Last week became a better one.. but today i've fall down again.
I am a psychic medium, i work with empowerment and none of the tools i had learnd results.
I cant be close to people, or i will shake and get ansious..
I had gone to a market, then i get lost in the city, inable to think, choose or decide.. hard to tell whats real from what isnt..
And now i am just sittin at my kitchwn floor crying like hell because i am so scared.. i dont know what to do.
Dont wanna live like this.. i want to get better..

Any suggestion?

I'm already with a psycologist get my diagnose.. i dont know whats happening yet.

Any guess?

#SuicidalThoughts #ADHD #Agoraphobia #MentalHealth

I work overnights. I came home this morning ready to go to bed and all of a sudden I’m having an anxiety attack. I can’t sit still and feel like I’m coming out of my skin. I took my 1 mg of Xanax before laying down and then took a second when the attack hit. I’m still so wound up. Any suggestions on how to get this to stop? It’s never been this bad before. Please help!! #Anxiety #Depression #Grief #SuicidalThoughts

I had a meltdown because of all of this negativity from my mother, anxiety and all. It was too much. I stayed in my closet + blanket from 9:30am to 1:10pm. The nurses were looking for me and they were really anxious and worried but I couldn't unhide. I couldn't press the button to call the nurses. I just hid as I always do... I didn't even ate..

One of the nurses were really "heartbroken" I think because he tried to befriend me the past few days..

I just keep thinking what if my mother is the one in the truth ? What if I'm imagining everything? What if I just want to draw attention to me ?

#MentalHealth #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Autism #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PanicAttacks #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #PanicAttack #EatingDisorder #EatingDisorderRecovery #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

I like it here. I love the nurses and people in this clinic.

My friend visited me this weekend it was so good I needed that.

Why ?

My mother went too far this time..

I hate her I hate everything and I'll never be able to recover because of her.

I don't know why it affected me somehow, but I jeep having panic attacks, migraines etc juste because of her.

#SuicidalThoughts #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #EatingDisorder #MentalHealth #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

In 2019 i fell in love with a covert narcissist the cycle of trauma abuse and manipulation continuted till 2024 I was trauma bonded and realised when it was too late .. I developed generalized anxiety disorder , I was unable to understand what was wrong with me ...till the time another nightmare was waiting for me in 2025 i was sexually harassed by a know family relative in my home , that left me with immense emotional and psychological trauma by repeated cycle of abuse , I developed C-ptsd , unable to move out of my bed for months with suicidal thoughts and self harm .. here I am beginning my journey of healing .. initially medications like escitalopram helped me stabilize my flare ups , .I started exercising ,my condition is improving so far although the flashback keep coming , I am learning to manage the triggers ,, ..not in the best ..but trying .I wish we all keep pushing ourselves , as there is always light at the end of the tunnel..❤️#GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #CPTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Trauma #Agoraphobia #MentalHealth #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

Today, in a few hours, I'll be transferred to the clinic.

I visited it yesterday and I loved it. A friend has to bring me my stuff from my student appartement.

Changes are really hard for me. But it's better than this hospital. I hate hospitals. I hate the doctors and nurses here.

In a few hours, the first 48h I'll have no contact with the exterior (phone, visits, etc...) the first weekend no permission to leave for half a day or a day. Next weekend I'll be able to leave for half a day or a day.

Permissions are only for the weekends.

Phones are allowed between 2:30pm and 6pm except Thursday (1:30pm to 6pm).

It was either the clinic or the hospital anyway as I have no choice. Can't return home or anything.

Im scared, but im exited to leave this horrible hospital.

I asked if I could go with my friend to bring my stud but the hospital refused. I can't leave. But it's just better if it's me I know my stuff. I hate people going through my stuff. I hate that.

But I have no choices, so we'll FT and I'll guide her..

Healing is so scary. Visits are only from 4:30pm to 6pm weekdays and 2:30pm to 6pm weekends.

It's hard because I'll be alone. I know no one. I'm extremely shy and not comfortable for society.

I'm used to that one really close friend. She's my emergency contact and I'm her's too.

I hate new things l.

But I'll be okay, it's for my mental health so I can be okay..

Ill be okay..

Well I guess.. maybe one day...

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Autism #EatingDisorder #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SocialAnxiety