suicidalideations

The thoughts are creeping up on me . No plan just thoughts that. I’m really tired of feeling like this. Always struggling with my emotions. Always feeling like there’s no hope .

I just need to be in community tonight. Wherever you are and whoever you are. It’s so simple, yet so elusive to me right now. Amidst all the madness and all the repeated failures. Please remind me we are human. And that maybe there is some resemblance of good or hope in me if I am trying to hold on, trying to survive the precipice and slowly make my way back to healing.

I have been severely depressed in the past year. I was just coping with my diagnoses of bipolar disorder, severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD when the pandemic hit, and I couldn't go out to see my psychiatrist.

Then I lost my job and moved back home to my parent's house, where I found that not only did I lose my independence, I lost my peace as well.

To say that my depression spiraled would be an understatement. Three months after moving back in, my suicidal ideations came back. I could barely get up, and conversations with anyone --- actual conversations were overwhelming. Movies, series, variety shows, or music I can deal with, socializing, even at the dinner table, are chores I couldn't get out of.

I only get up for meals to appease my parents and to stop them from asking questions. I still work because I have to, but the work-from-home setup is making me more depressed.

Today, I got up and actually did something. I assembled a small shelf for my books. I finished within two hours and arranged my books in the afternoon. It's a small achievement, to be honest. But small wins count so much these days. I'm proud of myself, even for this.

I take my medications as prescribed by my psychiatrist. I don't smoke or drink. I eat healthy, I exercise and I volunteer. I mind my own business, I don't believe in punishing others for my insecurities. I don't allow my condition to reign over me or define me. My symptoms are intense but I still manage to keep my dignity. I am a very negative thinker but people tell me how encouraging I am to them.

I'm doing all the right things, how come I don't feel right about any of it?

I believe in keeping the peace but I never feel peaceful.

In the past 19 years I've been on 10 different medications to manage my bipolar disorder. Where is this so-called recovery everyone keeps talking about?

#BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #dualdiagnoses #Depression #Sadness #biploarepisodes #moodswings #feelinghoplessandpurposeless #ifeeldefeated #Anxiety #Mania #visualhallucinations #suicidalideations #homicidalideations #Insomnia #delusional paranoia #extremeguilt #Psychiatrist #psychothreapy #medications #Idontknowwhattodo #icantkeeplivinglikethisitsabsolutetorture

My ex boyfriend (who sexually assaulted me on a metro and neglected my self harm) is now dating one of my old friends and they seem to be a powering force in trying to let everyone know that I’m apparently lying! This is on top of her threatening to get me and my friends beaten up, lovely, aren’t they! I thought that I had seen him a few weeks ago and cut my arms and thighs, and repeating this on my ribs in the anniversary of what happened. I am happily with my current boyfriend but that flinchy and guilty part of me has never fully gone away, does it ever? #SexualAssault #Selfharm #Anxiety #suicidalideations

The next three weeks are really tough for me starting with this week. A year ago I tried to commit suicide and it all began with me going inpatient then getting out and attempting multiple times, ending up in the hospital and having to go back inpatient. Im faking it till I make it but the closer it gets to next week the harder it gets. To top it off the person who’s my safe person doesn’t feel safe at all. She has stuff of her own which I understand I try to do my best and help her in which ever way I can but nothing seems right. All I keep doing is annoying her or pissing her off over the bare minimum, at this point if I breathe wrong it’s not okay. I had a panic attack last night and it was like nothing. It would be nice to just get asked if I need something like I do for her but at this point that might even be too much to ask. I know I’m shutting down and at this point I don’t even know if I care to fix it. It’s too much to handle right now. The worst of it all is that when she gets like this and my feelings aren’t acknowledge, it makes me question why she didn’t just let me go when I tried to kill myself. I know she feels shitty and just like there’s bad things there’s good stuff with her and I tried to be as patient as possible but this was just the one time I really needed her to be patient with me and support me and it’s just being pushed under the rug. #suicidalideations #Depression

To the Person Who ... begged God to kill you last night.
I remember those nights of my own...
Pleading with God to please take my last breath
Please let this be the last time I exhaled
Let the surrounding darkness envelope me
Relieve me of the blinding never-ending sorrow
Don't make me wake up anymore
Please
Please
Please

And yet God did not take my life on those sorrowful nights.
He whispered to me, "I am with you."
Sometimes He said nothing at all
He sent moments that brought rare glimpses of hope
Opportunities to laugh
Chances to see more than pain
Nuggets of gold that came rarely but significantly
And I could connect them like dots in an image of something
Something bigger than the pain
Bigger than the blinding anguish
Better than death

To The Person Who Wants to Die...
You are loved
You do matter
Your life is something
You are more than enough
Just this day, you are more than enough
You are worth hope
You deserve to smile
You deserve to laugh
You deserve to love
You deserve to live.

#Suicide  #suicidalideations   #SituationalDepression   #ClinicalDepression

"You're lonely," came that somber voice. It always came when I wanted it the least. A stark, but hollow reminder that in the absence of human interaction I had fabricated something otherworldly in a shapeless form.

What kind of mental monster had I become? Yet another question to ponder over my first cup of morning coffee. I was far beyond normal for a very long time before this began. It was best described as the helplessness of drowning, but holding no intention of stopping the water from filling the lungs.

Around the moment of that final gasp you hear it. The voice. The one that mocks to a brutal point with no regard for the situation at hand. That being your inevitable demise under those murky waters. A taunting reminder of your loss in this race, the voice that calls on all of your failures as if they are clear as day.

Will it ever stop sneering at your loneliness? Only if you break the self-serving shackles you placed on your ankles before diving in. Breach the service with gritted teeth and tell it with all of your being that you are not what it's for my eyes as you are so much more. You may be lonely but you are still here. Fighting the undertow.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #Suicide #suicidal #suicidalideations #writingthrough it