suicidalideations

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    Please get up and fight

    Get up and fight your inner demons so that you should win with new stamina and dedication to life. Even on the darkest of days, you can see the light. You really can, trust me. The future is a wide open book and all you need to do is continue. Fight for what is in you and survive. Survive with your total strength because after those moments there is nothing stronger than that person.

    #Suicide #suicidal #suicidalideations #Hope

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    The Pressure of Night. #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #failure #suicidalideations #OCD

    I just need to be in community tonight. Wherever you are and whoever you are. It’s so simple, yet so elusive to me right now. Amidst all the madness and all the repeated failures. Please remind me we are human. And that maybe there is some resemblance of good or hope in me if I am trying to hold on, trying to survive the precipice and slowly make my way back to healing.

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    I did something today, and I'm pretty proud of myself #Depression #Anxiety #suicidalideations

    I have been severely depressed in the past year. I was just coping with my diagnoses of bipolar disorder, severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD when the pandemic hit, and I couldn't go out to see my psychiatrist.

    Then I lost my job and moved back home to my parent's house, where I found that not only did I lose my independence, I lost my peace as well.

    To say that my depression spiraled would be an understatement. Three months after moving back in, my suicidal ideations came back. I could barely get up, and conversations with anyone --- actual conversations were overwhelming. Movies, series, variety shows, or music I can deal with, socializing, even at the dinner table, are chores I couldn't get out of.

    I only get up for meals to appease my parents and to stop them from asking questions. I still work because I have to, but the work-from-home setup is making me more depressed.

    Today, I got up and actually did something. I assembled a small shelf for my books. I finished within two hours and arranged my books in the afternoon. It's a small achievement, to be honest. But small wins count so much these days. I'm proud of myself, even for this.

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    I keep making all these changes and nothing changes.

    I take my medications as prescribed by my psychiatrist. I don't smoke or drink. I eat healthy, I exercise and I volunteer. I mind my own business, I don't believe in punishing others for my insecurities. I don't allow my condition to reign over me or define me. My symptoms are intense but I still manage to keep my dignity. I am a very negative thinker but people tell me how encouraging I am to them.

    I'm doing all the right things, how come I don't feel right about any of it?

    I believe in keeping the peace but I never feel peaceful.

    In the past 19 years I've been on 10 different medications to manage my bipolar disorder. Where is this so-called recovery everyone keeps talking about?

    #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #dualdiagnoses #Depression #Sadness #biploarepisodes #moodswings #feelinghoplessandpurposeless #ifeeldefeated #Anxiety #Mania #visualhallucinations #suicidalideations #homicidalideations #Insomnia #delusional paranoia #extremeguilt #Psychiatrist #psychothreapy #medications #Idontknowwhattodo #icantkeeplivinglikethisitsabsolutetorture

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    Sexual assault - does it ever go away?!

    My ex boyfriend (who sexually assaulted me on a metro and neglected my self harm) is now dating one of my old friends and they seem to be a powering force in trying to let everyone know that I’m apparently lying! This is on top of her threatening to get me and my friends beaten up, lovely, aren’t they! I thought that I had seen him a few weeks ago and cut my arms and thighs, and repeating this on my ribs in the anniversary of what happened. I am happily with my current boyfriend but that flinchy and guilty part of me has never fully gone away, does it ever? #SexualAssault #Selfharm #Anxiety #suicidalideations

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    Who even cares?

    The next three weeks are really tough for me starting with this week. A year ago I tried to commit suicide and it all began with me going inpatient then getting out and attempting multiple times, ending up in the hospital and having to go back inpatient. Im faking it till I make it but the closer it gets to next week the harder it gets. To top it off the person who’s my safe person doesn’t feel safe at all. She has stuff of her own which I understand I try to do my best and help her in which ever way I can but nothing seems right. All I keep doing is annoying her or pissing her off over the bare minimum, at this point if I breathe wrong it’s not okay. I had a panic attack last night and it was like nothing. It would be nice to just get asked if I need something like I do for her but at this point that might even be too much to ask. I know I’m shutting down and at this point I don’t even know if I care to fix it. It’s too much to handle right now. The worst of it all is that when she gets like this and my feelings aren’t acknowledge, it makes me question why she didn’t just let me go when I tried to kill myself. I know she feels shitty and just like there’s bad things there’s good stuff with her and I tried to be as patient as possible but this was just the one time I really needed her to be patient with me and support me and it’s just being pushed under the rug. #suicidalideations #Depression

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    “To the Person Who…” #MightyPoets

    To the Person Who ... begged God to kill you last night.
    I remember those nights of my own...
    Pleading with God to please take my last breath
    Please let this be the last time I exhaled
    Let the surrounding darkness envelope me
    Relieve me of the blinding never-ending sorrow
    Don't make me wake up anymore
    Please
    Please
    Please

    And yet God did not take my life on those sorrowful nights.
    He whispered to me, "I am with you."
    Sometimes He said nothing at all
    He sent moments that brought rare glimpses of hope
    Opportunities to laugh
    Chances to see more than pain
    Nuggets of gold that came rarely but significantly
    And I could connect them like dots in an image of something
    Something bigger than the pain
    Bigger than the blinding anguish
    Better than death

    To The Person Who Wants to Die...
    You are loved
    You do matter
    Your life is something
    You are more than enough
    Just this day, you are more than enough
    You are worth hope
    You deserve to smile
    You deserve to laugh
    You deserve to love
    You deserve to live.

    #Suicide  #suicidalideations   #SituationalDepression   #ClinicalDepression

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    Undertow

    "You're lonely," came that somber voice. It always came when I wanted it the least. A stark, but hollow reminder that in the absence of human interaction I had fabricated something otherworldly in a shapeless form.

    What kind of mental monster had I become? Yet another question to ponder over my first cup of morning coffee. I was far beyond normal for a very long time before this began. It was best described as the helplessness of drowning, but holding no intention of stopping the water from filling the lungs.

    Around the moment of that final gasp you hear it. The voice. The one that mocks to a brutal point with no regard for the situation at hand. That being your inevitable demise under those murky waters. A taunting reminder of your loss in this race, the voice that calls on all of your failures as if they are clear as day.

    Will it ever stop sneering at your loneliness? Only if you break the self-serving shackles you placed on your ankles before diving in. Breach the service with gritted teeth and tell it with all of your being that you are not what it's for my eyes as you are so much more. You may be lonely but you are still here. Fighting the undertow.

    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #Suicide #suicidal #suicidalideations #writingthrough it

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    Current Feels #suicidal #suicidalideations #PTSD #Depression #Anxiety #Ihatethesefeelings

    I hate these feelings. I can be doing anything and these thoughts intrude on everything. I suddenly cry all the time. I hate this😭

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    Lullaby #Depression #Music #suicidalideations

    Here is a great song to listen to when you feel like your alone. When your having Suicidal Thoughts, or feel like you're going to hurt yourself...I love this song. It's called Lullaby by Nickelback. Here are the lyrics:

    I know the feeling
    Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge
    And there ain't no healing
    From cuttin' yourself with the jagged edge
    I'm tellin' you that it's never that bad
    And take it from someone who's been where your at
    You're laid out on the floor and you're not sure
    You can take this anymore
    So just give it one more try
    With a lullaby
    And turn this up on the radio
    If you can hear me now
    I'm reachin' out to let you know
    That you're not alone
    And you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
    'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
    So just close your eyes
    Well honey here comes a lullaby
    Your very own lullaby
    Please let me take you
    Out of the darkness and into the light
    'Cause I have faith in you
    That you're gonna make it through another night
    Stop thinkin' about the easy way out
    There's no need to go and blow the candle out
    Because you're not done, you're far too young
    And the best is yet to come
    So just give it one more try
    With a lullaby
    And turn this up on the radio
    If you can hear me now
    I'm reachin' out to let you know
    That you're not alone
    And you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
    'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
    So just close your eyes
    Well honey here comes a lullaby
    Your very own lullaby
    Well everybody's hit the bottom
    And everybody's been forgotten
    Well everybody's tired of being alone
    Yeah everybody's been abandoned
    And left a little empty handed
    So if you're out there barely hangin', on
    Just give it one more try
    With a lullaby
    And turn this up on the radio
    If you can hear me now
    I'm reachin' out to let you know
    That you're not alone
    And you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
    'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
    So just close your eyes
    Well honey here comes a lullaby
    Your very own lullaby
    Well honey here comes a lullaby
    Your very own lullaby

    #Depression #suicidalideations #Anxiety #MentalIllness #Music #musictherapy