Thoughtspiral

I felt a heaviness inside me this morning that I hadn’t felt in a while. Living at this moment hurts. A lot. All I want is a hug and for someone to say that all would be ok in the end. My calculated way of living has been thrown off kilter, I feel chronically empty and sad. I try to get help in what I see as the “traditional way”, like opening up and talking about my feelings, but sometimes it’s really hard. I even feel worse after opening up most times. (That’s when I do so verbally.) In the last few days, I’ve come to realize that in a very silent way, I am not important enough to be kept in the know for certain important situations. I want to withdraw from the world completely, but I know that that’s not reasonable. In these painful moments, I tend to lean towards wanting to create something out of my pain to distract myself. I want to believe the good that others see in me, but everything seems blurred beyond recognition. In these continual shifts in my life, I feel like I’m drowning. #MentalHealth #Drowning #Heaviness #Thoughtspiral #Hurtsinside #FeelingEmpty #Emptiness #ChronicEmptiness #Sadness

I just got in from work this morning to sit on the floor in my bedroom. I’ve just written a poem (as I sometimes do), only to be faced with the crayola markers and notebook in front of me. I’m physically exhausted, my mind is going around in circles over many different events and people in my life. I feel compelled to cry, but I can’t. I want to give into anger, but I can’t. So much time has been wasted on both of those things, and I feel like this is my body saying that it’s about time to give things up and stop hoping to be seen. All the while sitting with my hands in my lap, head hung low, the only noise heard is the fan going. I need to get up, but there feels like a disconnect from my brain and limbs. I seem to struggle with my self worth so much that I’ve come to realize that even my self image changes so often with different people along with different interests. It feels like I have a million different personalities for every specific thing. As much as I want to voice all that bothers me, it often feels better to keep a stiff upper lip at times because I’m very used to going through a lot by myself. Because of this, I find it very hard to ask for help. For many, many years, I’ve always felt that in some way something was/is wrong with me. As much as I crave community, I find myself wanting to separate myself from it whenever I feel trapped in. The same people that I’ve had deep admiration for are at times the ones I end up hating more than anything should things go south. I think all I’ve known in most of my relationships is instability. I come when I want your company, but I will leave without warning. Also making a point that I don’t need you. I’ve kept many people at a distance because of my wanting my independence and individuality above a number of things. But on the flip side, I could be selfless regardless of how you treat me. It’s moments like this where I feel everything and I don’t have anyone to share my feelings with because I feel that no one really understands the depth of my mind and the emotions I feel (which at times can be intense). So I do what I do whenever I get home from work... I sit on the floor feeling either empty or essentially numb. #MentalHealth #feelingaloneandlost #Thoughtspiral #numbness to everything #numb #Reflections #confessions #Splitting #Instability #feelings #Duality #Selfworth #Selfimage

The desire for perfection doesn’t necessarily go away during depressive episodes. When I’m depressed I usually lack motivation and basic cognitive functions are slower and lagging. At times the thought of filling out job applications or doing laundry or taking a shower or even leaving my house seems insurmountable. Then I find myself getting mentally stuck in a thought spiral, unable to start a task because I know I can’t give it my all and it’s likely I won’t be able to complete it, especially in the way I would normally. Earlier this week a friend reminded me that anything worth doing is worth doing imperfectly, even poorly! That it’s ok to do 10% of a task when you cannot mentally handle completing it. That it’s far better to start and do some of it than it is to remain stuck and do nothing. So today, when I couldn’t bring myself to leave my house and go out into the public; I bundled up, went outside to the backyard, and sat on the porch with my dogs. #Selfcare #Depressedperfectionist #Depression #lackofmotivation #Thoughtspiral #stuck #Unmotivatedperfectionist #Someisbetterthannone #Worthdoingpoorly