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What’s wrong with me?

My mom said something really horrible to me and it’s been stuck with me. Today is my sister’s birthday and in her message to her, she mentioned something about her being a deputy parent because she often helps with money, but I’m the oldest. It made me feel overlooked, and unappreciated because she has never said such nice words about me. My bursary is taking long to finalise things so I can move out to a student accommodation and staying here at home feels like a nightmare and gets worse day by day. I just wanna be away from everyone here, I used to love home so much but now I hate it. No one considers my feelings here, no one cares what happens in my life and they make noise when they know I’m studying and they stay in the tv room the whole night making noise, knowing I’m waiting for them to go to sleep so I can study. The worst part is that, the person who does all these things the most is the person who should be understanding and supportive, my mom. And I hate the way she looks at me, everytime I enter the house she gives me weird looks. And I have in a way accepted that things might never get better for me, I might struggle all my life, so all that isn’t worth anything, I just wanna dematerialise and all about me be forgotten.

Also, I haven’t healed from my father’s passing. He passed away in 2012, I was only 12, turned 13 a few days after, just a day before his funeral. I never cried when I heard the news and the days after, it felt unreal and maybe I didn’t believe it. It weighed in hard on me the day of his funeral, when I say his lifeless body, from there I cried throughout the whole funeral. I still cry even today, it’s like when everyone was grieving, I wasn’t. Now they’ve grieved, healed and gotten by, and I am left behind on my own.#Grief #Depression #toxicity #Anxiety

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My LITHIUM TOXICITY Split My Life Into A Before And After ♧

#lithium #lithiumtoxicity #toxicity #Prescriptions #PrescriptionOverdose #SelfRehabilitation

I was in the hospital for LITHIUM TOXICITY for a week a few months ago. It had been building for many months, and my doctor wasn't checking my blood levels. I had one blood level drawn at the beginning and that was all.
As time went on, I was having all kinds of side effects, especially hand tremors that greatly worsened as time passed, but they did not recognize any of them as being connected to the Lithium. So they assumed that they were simply symptoms of other disorders, and put me on other prescriptions to treat those supposed symptoms. It turned out that I didn't need any of them, and despite costing us a fortune, they did more harm than good.
In the end, by the time I was taken away to a hospital trauma center a hundred miles away, I couldn't play my musical instruments, couldn't write or type, couldn't button my clothes or even dress myself, couldn't walk properly but only shuffled slowly, couldn't eat because all food tasted and smelled horrible, couldn't think or communicate coherently, and I didn't know who or where I was.
On top of that, I had developed pneumonia, and we didn't know it until I was in the hospital.
When they tested my Lithium level, it was over 1.9, and they said I was in severe danger of having a stroke.
I spent the next week in bed hooked to three IVs and oxygen. When I was released, I still had the hand tremors, the mental fogginess, the weakness, the mobility issues, and more, but I was off of the Lithium, and getting a little better each day.
I had been so toxic that they said that since I had been all those months building up the toxicity on a cellular level, that it was going to take months to flush it back out of my system and to hopefully get back to where I was before I started the Lithium.
That has proven to be true, so far. It is now four months later, and I am re-learning how to play my main instrument, one day at a time, and one song at a time. It is hard to keep my spirits up at times, remembering how I played before, and how effortlessly I did so. I am not the same player, nor the same person that I was before.
I am getting better at writing, although slow, and my handwriting and signature are different now, and not as stylish or neat. I am walking better, but I can't go far, and I have severe pain in my thighs.
I lost 103 pounds through all of that, but in the last month I have gained 40 pounds of it back.
I don't have the skills for drawing or painting anymore, or at least not yet. I assume the same will be with my sculpting and carving.
It has been an extremely hard road to travel, and painful, but I am grateful that I am still here, such as I am.
If you are on Lithium, be sure and get your blood levels checked every month. Demand it. Be well. ♧

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We owe it to ourselves to Be Happy #EmotionalHealth #DepressionAndMentalHealth

We become so acclimated to unhealthy situations that we stop noticing the toxicity. When that situation finally starts to go away, as it should, we rake the ground rather than rejoice. It’s almost like a drug withdraw. We should be happy we are quitting. But there we are, itching for more of the poison. When a person, in no uncertain terms, says they want to leave — let them. #toxicity #Relationships #unhealthyrelationships #Selfcare

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Depressed and at the same time toxic

Looking back and constantly reflecting, I would like to ask if it is possible for a depressed person to be toxic at the same time. If it is possible, can you share some of your experiences or knowledge about it? Your help is much appreciated #Depression #toxicity #Reflection


Not So "Social" Media

With all the different Social Media apps and websites it can be all too easy to lose yourself along the way. In focusing on your on-line life with Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and all the other popular apps, it is way to easy to let in all the toxic things that are out there. The sports rivalries, popularity contests, selfies, the political fighting, the news itself...all things that can be very damaging to your mental health. We find ourselves immersed in other peoples drama and lives and often times get dragged into it. We have to check our feed constantly. Whats going on? Who said this? Has anything happened in the last ten minutes? Then we realize we have become hooked.

That is why I have taken a break from Social Media. I have deactivated all my accounts and put them on pause. I may return to them in some form some day, but for now I need to focus on me and my own health, and that is perfectly ok. If you are in that place, that mindset of having to be online constantly, of being negatively affected by your Social Media life, here is a reminder, maybe even an encouragement to unplug. put up an away message or temporarily shut down your Social Media (most of them have a "temporary deactivate" feature that lets you have a 30 day or more break if you need it, without losing your account) and focus on yourself and your own mental health for a while. Heal your own mind and worry less about the drama unfolding online. Trust me, it helps more than you realize, because, as I have found, you are probably more hooked into your online life than you realize. #MentalHealth #Addiction #selfcare #toxicity #MightyTogether #savethefalling