Long, difficult weekend
On Saturday, I had a psychiatrist appointment over the phone. I spent the entire morning preparing, making sure I was physically taken care of, mentally and emotionally calm, using my breathing techniques, and had all my notes and safety objects around me. He called, assessed me, and it was over. He concluded that I "don't have a psychiatric disorder", which I think is an oversimplification but it is the answer I was looking for. I need my medical charts to focus on my yet-to-be-diagnosed physical health symptoms, not the already-managed mental health symptoms, and this is a great first step towards that.
[In reality, I experience symptoms of #CPTSD every day, but due to effective practicing of skills, the psych assessed that this no longer causes me significant dysfunctioning, and therefore he considered me clinically well.]
The emotional aftermath of this appointment was incredibly messy, with initial intense excitement, followed by paranoia about being "found out" (for what I'm not clear on), followed by an extreme exhaustion. I had trouble falling asleep, experiencing panic while lying in bed, as I often have in the past.
Then yesterday I saw my mom. It was another emotionally draining experience. I have to practice deep listening and loving speech so carefully, and use meditative thought to protect myself from emotion or concepts that have the potential to cause me harm. It is better, both in the moment and in the end, than the alternative, but exhausting work nonetheless. I woke up twice in the night with racing heartbeat and panic feelings.
I have also started cutting back on my medication recently. Although I've experienced a lot, I believe my increased difficulty at night has more to do with the dosage change. I have a lot of trouble at night during the winter, when the daylight is so scarce, so I have tools I can use when I'm not sleeping well. I can ask my roommates to bunk with me, use aromatherapy, set a bedtime routine, and I have a bedtime medication I use sparingly. If I'm up in the middle of the night, I can meditate, read, play or watch one of my safety games or shows, come on The Mighty, and I can get my roommates if I need help calming down. All that being said, I'm hoping my nights improve as my mindbody adjusts to the lower dose of meds and I continue to practice my skills.
Is #Therapy helping me or just making it easier to hide and pretend I'm not sick?
#Fibromyalgia #CognitiveBehavioralTherapy #Trauma #PositiveThinking #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness
Like, how long are you supposed to "fake it til you make it" or "think positive eventually your thoughts will BE positive" I've been in therapy for years. I'm on more than enough drugs. I've had SO much therapy, that I'm at this point I feel like fooling myself. Like maybe I just got better at faking it is all. The coping mechanisms just helped me get better at hiding it. Happy 6 months since my fibro diagnosis. It's still pretty "light" compared to most people's I feel like. However, I know that virtually no chronic illness gets"better" over time. I'm 29. I think I need an "oh shit" bar in my shower. I already have a mat. I HATE thinking long term. I am on tinermittent FMLA however I work fulltime hours. I'm NOT ready to succumb. To anything. To #HashimotosThyroiditis to the fibro to #BipolarDisorder to any of it. I'm not ready to admit I'm "different" than other people. And I'm always comparing myself to others and frustrated. I KNOW I shouldn't. I KNOW I do a great job. I KNOW I'm managing fine. However, i AM different, and i can hope for "better" but that's it. No cure. No "normal" not the same "productivity" as everyone else. I hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT. I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS. I want to help my single mom sister, I want to control my emotions, I want to be better at work. I want to be independent. I want to be able to work my 8 hours and do laundry in the same day. I want to be able to read a whole paragraph without getting lost. #help
Please help! Starting therapy: is CBT ok considering I can’t find DBT professionals where I live?
I’ve been doing psychoanalysis for my whole life and for a while I’ve been really bad and progressively less functional.. so now I was really determined to start DBT but it’s just not possible where I live.. would you say CBT is worth trying?
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #DialecticalBehaviorTherapy #CognitiveBehavioralTherapy
1st day of long awaited therapy! 🙌🏼 Go me!
Yet I can’t seem to shake this anxiety and this growing, overwhelming feeling. I’ve tried all evening to feel it and be one with it, to try to figure out what exactly I’m feeling... then it dawned on me, 1st day of therapy. It was emotional to say the least and I was a nervous wreck the entire time. At the end when we did a meditation exercise, to be one with our feelings, and I unexpectedly burst into tears. I expected to be anxious and to have scattered thoughts, unable to focus or concentrate on anything but my mind & my body screaming, as well as being so painfully aware of everything and everyone in the room. I wasn’t expecting the sadness that overcame me.
I know I have a lot of work to do to uncover trauma and to retrain my thought processes. I’ve waited so long and had wanted therapy to start so bad, but now that I’m here, I’m *terrified.* I’m so anxious that I can’t sleep. I could barely speak all evening. I’m really scared for what’s to come during this process and how I’m going to be able to cope.
Has anyone else experienced this when starting therapy? I’m so confused by my feelings and emotions.