The Lack Inside
I was told to do, so I did.
Doing as you taught me to do.
I was told to not want, so I didn’t.
Believing that you had my best interest at heart.
I was told to be good, so I was.
Instinctively knowing that pleasing you was detrimental for my health to survive.
I never thought I had an option to be different
– call it naive or call it lost, I was probably both.
I never thought I could disagree with you
– call it blind-sighted or trusting, I simply believed you.
I never thought I should choose a different path
– I trusted you when you said you knew me better than I did myself. I never thought I was good enough to be me.
I was quiet when you told me not to tell others about the 'punches' I deserved, I believed it was love you offered me, like any mother surely would.
I listened to the lies, the manipulations, the hurtful words,
all made sense when I was little, but lost their meaning when I was finally old enough to run.
I felt lost when I needed to be grown up, when all fell to pieces, when I realized that ‘love’ was and felt very different to what I experienced following your lead.
As a deeply feeling, sensitive person I told myself that closing my eyes to the pain you created in me was the best I could do to survive - Instead I lived in my own world, with my own rules, happy with my own company.
Never brave enough to face demons, never secure enough to question, never happy enough to enjoy and never knowing enough about myself to know who I truly was.
I kept my eyes closed and simply forgot to open them again.
I am awake now - and with open eyes I see you all:
I am told to act but I question your reasons.
I am told to stand back so others can receive but also realize my own worth.
I am told to comply but I find my own voice and stop being afraid to use it.
Be loud, be authentic, be yourself…
and never forget to open your eyes again when you can.
Much love and strength to you all!
Thank you so much for reading my thoughts - it help to put words to feelings as to learn and grow and overcome.
#ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #CumulativeTraumaDisorders #Depression #Childhoodtrauma #NarcissisticMother