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The Lack Inside

I was told to do, so I did.
Doing as you taught me to do.
I was told to not want, so I didn’t.
Believing that you had my best interest at heart.
I was told to be good, so I was.
Instinctively knowing that pleasing you was detrimental for my health to survive.

I never thought I had an option to be different
– call it naive or call it lost, I was probably both.
I never thought I could disagree with you
– call it blind-sighted or trusting, I simply believed you.
I never thought I should choose a different path
– I trusted you when you said you knew me better than I did myself. I never thought I was good enough to be me.

I was quiet when you told me not to tell others about the 'punches' I deserved, I believed it was love you offered me, like any mother surely would.
I listened to the lies, the manipulations, the hurtful words,
all made sense when I was little, but lost their meaning when I was finally old enough to run.
I felt lost when I needed to be grown up, when all fell to pieces, when I realized that ‘love’ was and felt very different to what I experienced following your lead.

As a deeply feeling, sensitive person I told myself that closing my eyes to the pain you created in me was the best I could do to survive - Instead I lived in my own world, with my own rules, happy with my own company.

Never brave enough to face demons, never secure enough to question, never happy enough to enjoy and never knowing enough about myself to know who I truly was.
I kept my eyes closed and simply forgot to open them again.

I am awake now - and with open eyes I see you all:
I am told to act but I question your reasons.
I am told to stand back so others can receive but also realize my own worth.
I am told to comply but I find my own voice and stop being afraid to use it.

Be loud, be authentic, be yourself…
and never forget to open your eyes again when you can.
Much love and strength to you all!

Thank you so much for reading my thoughts - it help to put words to feelings as to learn and grow and overcome.
#ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #CumulativeTraumaDisorders #Depression #Childhoodtrauma #NarcissisticMother

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I've been in some confusion lately. Always analyzing myself first. I guess it's healthy.
#Abuse #PTSD #Anxiety #NarcissisticMother

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Yoga Based Therapy #Abuse #Bullying #CPTSD #ptsd-old

The bundle of emotions, pain, and memories of traumatic events (in some cases) can be stored in the muscle. This is more prevalent when the victim covers or masks these experiences with extreme exercise such as endurance cycling, bodybuilding, continuing military deployment, or perhaps training for the NFL. In later years, these memories return in many forms, PTSD and Complex PTSD are both common. In many groups (one example being the military) this pain is often covered up in the name of being brave, a stance that has led to approximately one suicide/day among military vets since 1963 (current military suicide rates are a little higher). For me, bravery is when the victim confronts those memories, processes the emotions, and works to gain control of the consequences that they, and those around them, endure as a result of traumatic events in their past.
In yoga-based treatment the client tries to induce a flashback through the exercises. The client then continues working to extract as much of the negative emotions as possible, they then go back and help the emotional wound heal through loving and at times spiritual care of the area that has stored this negative energy for so long. Perhaps someday the AMA will recognize the value of Holistic Medicine and this type of therapy will be available more people. Sadly, there are many cultural mindsets that are preventing this from taking place, even if it would save lives. #PTSD #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #narcissisticmom #Narcissiticabuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #NarcissisticMother #Narcissistfather #Bullying #ChildAbuse #childabusesurvivors #ChildAbuse

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I have vivid flashbacks of our abuse/my sister has blocked memories (glimpses). If you had blocked it all out would you seek therapy to help remember?



I don’t know what to do. Any advice? #PTSD #CPTSD #Anxiety

Ok so I have a pretty long history of not having the self worth to get out of unhelpful treatment, but I have a pretty great team now. Ive been doing EMDR for about 15 months and I highly recommend it. But here’s the thing. My primary therapist sent me to an emdr person15 months ago because nothing was helping the flashbacks and nightmares, and I am really glad she did, but my emdr therapist has been insisting since I started that I’m an addict—it is true that I am (#Selfharm, #AnorexiaNervosa, #BulimiaNervosa, all in long term recovery) but not to alcohol or drugs. (though I will admit I toed the line pretty close there too for a while years ago.) so she is insisting that as a prerequisite for working with me I have to go to A.A. x times per week and now she is insisting that I get a sponsor and work the steps. I don’t want to focus on alcoholism because I honestly think it would be me creating a problem I don’t have, and goodness knows I have enough problems already. Plus out of respect for the twelve steps I want to be rigorously honest with myself and others and I don’t feel I can be if I’m only focusing on alcohol. I just don’t struggle with it. I stay sober because I decided I don’t like the effects alcohol and drugs have on me. Self harm, that I think about multiple times a day even though I’ve got 15 1/2 months “clean”. Those urges are always there. My emdr therapist won’t work with me if I don’t attend AA and get a sponsor ASAP even though I’ve been sober from alcohol and drugs coming up on 3 years. I want to trust her plan but I just don’t fit into it. Today someone i love told me that maybe it’s time to leave this therapist. I think she may be right but I’m a classic overthinker and I don’t know what to do or how to talk to my treatment providers and advocate for myself. Like someone else said on here, I have been told I’m the problem and that I’m creating problems that don’t exist for my entire life by people who didn’t understand. I was called attention seeking and dramatic when I reached out for help, and then criticized when I wasn’t getting better. When I listen to my innermost voice I know that I am not an addict in the sense that the emdr person thinks I am. I don’t know what to say to her or if I should find a new provider. I don’t want to “invent a problem,” like former therapists frequently accused me of. I just want to be healthy and focus on what I actually need help with: #narcissisticabusesurvivor #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #NarcissisticMother #SexualTrauma #Selfharm


Soul crack #CPTSD #ChildhoodAbuse #NarcissisticMother #SexualAbuseSurvivors

Today I feel like my soul has a small crack in it. As if a scab tore off in the night and the memories are just seeping out. Ebbing through my consciousness like phantom limb pain of a me that I can’t quite remember, thankfully.


Is anyone else struggling with M*thers Day coming up? #narcissiticmother #NarcissisticAbuse

I recently took leaps and bounds to change my life and cut my mother off. I’m thankful I escaped before Mother’s Day. But I’m also having very rough days as it’s coming up soon. Crying a lot. Anyone else?


Song lyrics that so accurately put my feelings into words

I recently made the tough choice to cut off all communication with my mom, due to ongoing abuse and manipulation. Although I still struggle with the loss of the relationship, as well as the mindset of wanting to be the “good daughter”. I recently heard this song that just put my feelings so accurately into words. In full honesty, I worried that letting myself truly acknowledge the feelings of being angry, would somehow make me a bad person. But a friend of mine helped me understand that feelings are just that, feelings. It’s how you act on them is what defines you. So I thought that I’d share this and see if anyone could relate.

“Just Like You"
By 3 Days Grace

I could be mean
I could be angry
You know I could be just like you

I could be fake
I could be stupid
You know I could be just like you

You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way
You're wrong if you think that I'll be just like you

You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You're wrong if you think that I'll be just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
You're wrong if you think that I'll be just like you

I could be cold
I could be ruthless
You know I could be just like you

I could be weak
I could be senseless
You know I could be just like you

You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way

You're wrong
if you think that I'll be just like you

Well, there you have it, I don’t know if anyone else can relate, but my hope in sharing this, is to help even one person feel like they aren’t alone in the way they feel. If so then it was worth put my real feelings out there for all to see . Thank you for letting me share. - Liz

#NarcissisticMother#NarcissisticAbuse #CPTSD


when a mother shows her love #lifewithoutfamily

I can't even tell you how awful I am since our texts.
What I've done to myself
How much I've cried.

I don't want to talk
I don't want anything from you
I just want you to know this is why I stay away from you bc even after a lifetime you have no regard for my physical or mental well being and you destroy me every time you play your stupid fucking games with me.

Sick to my stomach
Mixing alcohol and drugs
Wondering if I won't wake up
This how ppl die I know
I stand this close to the fire bc my heart is broken and my mind is gone
The pain I feel today in my legs has only worsened.
My last night in a place of peace and rest - destroyed
By the woman who says she loves me but acts like she hates me

This is why I stay away

You make me sick #NarcissisticMother

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narcissistic family

I finally pulled away from my narcissistic family. I went no contact with my mother and I'm pulling away from the entire family unit even when that wasn't my initial intention. I didn't realize people would have the reaction they did when I went no contact. I didn't realize how isolating it can be. It's crazy realizing how in denial my family is. I love all the hard work I've done in therapy and how far I've come. but seeing the truth has come with alot of loss. kinda feels like nobody understands. and I'm bad for doing what's best for me. it's frustrating that people are still trying to put me in the scapegoat position. I feel like I'm fighting for my life right now. everyone's trying to blame me for the family being ripped apart instead of looking at who's really caused the damage. I'm staying strong no matter what because I deserve better.
I hope someone understands.
#ChildhoodSexualAbuse #CPTSD #NarcissisticMother #toxicfamily