Narcissitparent

I am having a rough weekend. I am dealing with high temps where we live causing my POTS symptoms to be really severe....which means just being exhausted overall. Then, my toxic bio family has been contacting me again after we have repeatedly told them to leave us alone. They are shaming us for not talking to them and calling us horrible people.

These people literally act like family is incredibly important to them but in the same breath will berate and attack you and other members of the family. They are gossips, slanderers, and just overall mean people. They are also partially responsible for the state of my health because they neglected my health needs all of my childhood. I have been told repeatedly that had I received care younger my body wouldn't be this bad now. So, I want nothing to do with people who don't love or respect me. It absolutely sucks to be treated so horribly.

My brain is stuck in a place where I so desperately wish I had a healthy core family....people who loved and cared for me. People who treated me with respect and decency....rather than those who acted like life was a system to get what they desires for themselves. I don't understand what I did wrong to make them hate me so much. The passive aggressive approach they took this weekend hurt me to the core. I am stuck right now and I don't know how to stop the spiral. I am sitting here sobbing over a family that will never change. Blaming myself for never being good enough....for people who literally treat strangers better than they treat their own family.

But I am stuck there. It sucks and it hurts to not be loved by the people who literally brought you into this damn world. Even though you want nothing to do with them it still hurts. So so much.

I was doing some reading on Narcissistic parental abuse and that triggered me into a near mental breakdown including wanting to die. Luckily, I made no attempts at anything. #Narcissitparent

How have you regained control after an abusive situation? I am slowly working to reclaim myself from the abuse of my parents. I want to find healing and happiness once again. What steps did you take to regain confidence in yourselves? #SexualAbuseSurvivors #Narcissitparent #control #Recovery #EmotionalAbuse #CheckInWithMe

Since being abused, I find myself constantly apologizing. Afraid to get in trouble, afraid of upsetting anyone. Afraid of being “punished”. They took my sense of safety.
Since being abused, I am confused. Confused about who I am, what I want. Not sure if I’m allowed to want things without experiencing some level of guilt. They took my sense of assurance.
Since being abused, a simple touch can make me freeze and fawn. A simple touch can make me feel disgusted and put me in tears. A simple touch can transport me back to the past. Intimacy seems impossible. They took my desire to be intimate.
Since being abused, I have grieved more than I ever have. I have grieved my lost childhood, my parents that were supposed to love me. They took my idea of family and contorted it.
Since being abused, I’ve had to work to fix what they broke. I’ve had to reparent myself. I’ve had to work to get back everything they took. And I’m not done.
These are the things that they took.
#SexualAbuseSurvivors #Narcissitparent #emotionalabusesurvivor

Coming to the realization that my mother is a narcissist and is incapable of love or empathy is hard to accept. I endured years of verbal and emotional abuse, always afraid to upset her, always keeping the peace, also walking on eggshells. At 26 and away from my mother, I still find myself afraid of her. A lot of what she said still echoes in my mind. This does not make the grieving process any easier.
I do not have any sympathy for her because child abuse is never justified but I miss what I thought I had, what I wanted to have. Cutting myself off from her is like coming off a drug, it hurts, it’s ugly. I find myself being more irritated and my #PTSD being triggered. I can’t say I miss her as a person but I can say I miss the illusion that I lived in for so long. It is never okay to endure narcissistic abuse by anyone. The only thing that can be done, is to cut them off. If you cut off their supply, they can’t hurt you. I just wish things had been different. #Narcissitparent #PsychologicalAbuse

I spent a week with my parents. It was the first time in the 9 years since I moved out that I stayed with them. One night my mom listed everything I ever did wrong since the 4th grade (I’m almost 30 now) which was bad enough, but she didn’t even have the facts right. Plus, I was a CHILD for most of the situations she mentioned. But I’ve always been her scapegoat. A lot more happened while I was there, but won’t bore you with all the details.

On the plane ride home, it FINALLY clicked for me. I’ve been letting everyone else define my self-worth; no wonder I’ve been miserable. I’m not a child anymore. I can make up my own mind about my value and worth. I don’t have to accept what others think of me. Of course it’s nice when others see my worth, but it’s not required for ME to see it.

It’s hard when your parents are the ones who are pointing the finger, especially when it isn’t justified. They should be the ones who love us no matter what our faults are (different from condoning faults), cheering us on as we navigate life. To not only NOT receive validation from them, but to be emotionally abused to boot, can be devastating. I now understand why I fantasized about suicide so much as a teen and young adult. I believed the lie that I was worthless and my parents reinforced that.

So the silver lining to all of it was the realization that I’ve come a LONG way in my mental/emotional/physical health since I moved out at 20. As an adult, I can understand the dynamics better and have compassion for the situation, but still have boundaries. I plan on exploring the self worth topic more - I get the sense that will help me a lot in life. #EmotionalHealth #Selfworth #boundaries #Adulting #Narcissitparent #Hope