I’m noticing that I feel a constant underlying urgency. Like a tingly, burning tension barrier, rippling just beneath the layers of skin like the water set into motion by a flat stone.
It’s as if I smell the smoke of a fire but can’t find or even see the fire’s glow to extinguish it. I know that the fire may small for now, but I also know it’ll be a big problem if it isn’t located soon. I’ve taken responsibility for putting out the flames and ensuring everyone’s safety.
I am at the point now where I’m basically Ricky Bobby, and the invisible fire is burning me. I’m so focused on the fear that others are confused as to why I feel like I’m losing control. I’ve masked for so long to hide my internal chaos from onlooking eyes; I’ve even fooled myself into thinking I’ve been fine for years when it takes every ounce of willpower to keep my self in one piece. The abrupt silence upon implosion is deafening.
I am Emmet from the Lego Movie before he realizes the important people in his life don’t really know him. To feel the crushing weight of knowing others may not actually see him the way he thinks they see him (his efforts, his discipline, his depth, his creativity) squishes any confidence into the ground with the twisting of the boot. He is recognized for his quirkiness, how he stands out for being different but blends in so well to the point of invisibility. That feeling of being misunderstood has been emotionally debilitating for me.
I am Jess from New Girl, constantly thinking of other people’s feelings (also not getting anything done). My emotional awareness has me placing others’ emotions and needs above my own, sometimes at my own expense. I care intensely, I do my best to fix the problem. If I can’t solve the problem, then I am to blame because I couldn’t help.
I am the cast of Inside Out; Riley, the emotions, the workers, the janitor, the audience. I often find myself observing thoughts, reflecting on the past to compare to present and future, Constantly reviewing and thinking of all perspectives and perceptions, figuring out how the puzzle pieces sqeeze together, to come to the conclusion of the best course of action, the next thought, movement, pause, word, breath.
I know I need to ask for help from people I trust - [I am trying my best] - my voice just isn’t strong enough yet to connect. I’m not ready to give in to receiving help, but at least now I’m trying to yell.
And this isn’t even the worst I’ve felt. This isn’t even a bad day. I actually feel mildly okay today. 👍🏻
How are you?
I’d love some feedback on my writing. 🙏🏻🫶🏻
#MentalHealth #ADHD #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #Neurodiversity #Undiagnosed