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#overthinking about #School #TheFuture #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor

I just looked up when's the #DeadLine for #Admission to an #online #School and just doing that made me feel #anxious #Anxiety

I've #Struggled #academically all my life. Was always a C/D student with a few Bs in the mix. I hated all forms of schooling: #inclass #oneonone #Tutor ing #online . Every single one I struggled with.

The highest degree I currently have is an #AssociateDegree . And I barely passed when getting that. Hey, but C's get degrees right?

Last year I was taking online courses to get my bachelor's, but I was doing sp bad that the school kicked me out. I hated every second of it. The reading, the listening, the video chat room meetings. I just hated it.

I hate it so much that now I have to force myself to use my laptop because my brain associates my laptop with school and just thinking about using it in any way gives me a headache. I literally stop using my laptop after the school kicked me out because I felt so bad. So guilty. That I got kicked out of school.

I was never a terrible student in primary or high school or junoir college when in came to disciplining. Yes, I was on academic probation at one point in each of my academic level life, but I never made it get so bad as to get kicked out.

Online schooling was so new to me it took me a whole year to figure out how to actually attend classes. Plus I was also just stepping into the world of work when I started doing online classes. But that's not an excuse to fail and get kicked out of school. So many people do school and work and have kids and have multiple jobs.

In comparison to them, I only had one job and was still living with my parents. Well, my parents are narcisstic so that's like living on thin ice: it's always cold and your bound to cause a crack with every move you make.

They were a major cause of my past academic downfall in my previous academic levels. However, I should have been use to dealing with them already, therefore they can't be an excuse for me now either. I made it through primary, secondary and junior college with them constantly physically, emotionally, financially, and psychologically abusing me hence I should have been able to handle them plus online school.

But then again, online school ment I would be at home MORE, whereas all my previous academic life I had to leave home to attend classes. Maybe being around them more affected me more than I like to admit. Maybe that's why I'm currently struggling again because COVID has me stuck home and I'm constantly around them 24/7.

I see my only escape from my parents, who are the main cause of my mental health problems, is for me to get a job and move out.

I want to start school again in January because account to everyone in my family-Thats what you do. You have an associated degree therefore you must get a bacholers and masters degree or else you're doing nothing with your life. "AND in order to get a GOOD job you HAVE TO have a master's degree!! "


home temporarily! #CysticFibrosis #Admission

I am home just for a few days because I had some severe reactions to my IV meds and couldn’t eat and was losing a lot of weight due to throwing up so often. my vision started to go blurry and so they stopped the meds after a week and basically said they need to start me on three new meds as soon as they get approved. I’m so stressed out and confused, i feel like I’m fading away to nothing. I’ve given up hope as so many meds that used to work for me do not anymore. I told the doctors that I will be going home and will go back in when the med is approved so I can get my nutrition and weight back up and my body back to normal in general. so here I am, I don’t really know how to feel. I feel numb, like my life is just being wasted somehow. I should be in school with my friends, but instead I’m spending every second month in the hospital for weeks at a time, killing my body with harsh meds. I’m going to try and savour every single moment at home while I can, and hopefully when I get re-admitted things won’t be as bad :)


Back again.. #CysticFibrosis #Admission #RareDisease

it’s been around two months since my last discharge out of hospital. and honestly, I haven’t felt any better. my CF team decided at my follow-up appointment to prescribe me on two different oral meds to help control the MRSA, but unfortunately, I didn’t feel better. I still do not respond to ventolin or my advair. PFTs are 69%, so not as bad as they have been, but I’ve just been extremely symptomatic with chest tightness, wheezing, wet cough, and coughing up palms of blood. I’m trying two new meds out of the three for my IV, unfortunately, they’re all extremely strong and doctors do not usually give them to patients but they’ve run out of options. I’ve already vomited a few times from the meds and have completely no appetite. even though it sounds as if I’m being negative, but I’m hopeful that these drugs will finally clear whatever is going on 🙂

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