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One (RANT) DAY at a TIME

I’ll have #Gooddays & I’ll have bad, though I’m still constantly struggling with my #innerself daily. There are a lot of things I know I have to do, but either my #Anxiety gets worked up, or I’ll try to get it done, or I tell and/or give myself reminders & still somehow end up forgetting about it or I’ve become distracted.

I’ve noticed that my train of thought can now go all over the place. Which is why I now have a lot of notebooks that I could use if I needed to let it out.

When it comes to phone calls I need to make, or appointments to schedule… I spend hours worrying about the #Start - #during - & #End of the whole thing. Before I know it, I can’t call because they’re now closed. Of course now I’ve become #Irritated & #angry at myself.

It never used to be this hard. I know I need to find a job, even IF the job I had #terminated me in part of my #MentalIllness . I feel stuck with no #Positivity in site. & It doesn’t help that even with or without my anxiety ramping up, my #Pride will not let me ask for help.

•I give myself a ‘thumbs up’ daily for getting out of bed.
• I cheer when I have motivation to shower.
• I pat myself on the back, in my mind of course… when I do laundry & put them away.

I still struggle with driving anywhere if I’m alone. Hunter, who is my furbaby soulmate, but also my #esa is always by my side, & either one of my sons or sometimes both would join me so I’m not freaking out while driving on the road.

I feel #Guilt that I’m not being the mom that they need me to be. I feel bad every single time I ask them for help (when I’m getting #overwhelmed trying to tidy up the house). I am mad that my #breakdown caused me to fail in my performance at work & that I #Struggled to do the things they asked of me (because I was never informed from the start that there was info that they could show me & help me with #FMLA ‘cause it would’ve been easy back then to get things in order than it was a couple of months ago). I felt #invisible . I felt my #Voice didn’t matter. I tried… all by myself… in the end, the company I loved working at didn’t give a … about me.

I’m sorry for ranting about nonsense. :(

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#overthinking about #School #TheFuture #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor

I just looked up when's the #DeadLine for #Admission to an #online #School and just doing that made me feel #anxious #Anxiety

I've #Struggled #academically all my life. Was always a C/D student with a few Bs in the mix. I hated all forms of schooling: #inclass #oneonone #Tutor ing #online . Every single one I struggled with.

The highest degree I currently have is an #AssociateDegree . And I barely passed when getting that. Hey, but C's get degrees right?

Last year I was taking online courses to get my bachelor's, but I was doing sp bad that the school kicked me out. I hated every second of it. The reading, the listening, the video chat room meetings. I just hated it.

I hate it so much that now I have to force myself to use my laptop because my brain associates my laptop with school and just thinking about using it in any way gives me a headache. I literally stop using my laptop after the school kicked me out because I felt so bad. So guilty. That I got kicked out of school.

I was never a terrible student in primary or high school or junoir college when in came to disciplining. Yes, I was on academic probation at one point in each of my academic level life, but I never made it get so bad as to get kicked out.

Online schooling was so new to me it took me a whole year to figure out how to actually attend classes. Plus I was also just stepping into the world of work when I started doing online classes. But that's not an excuse to fail and get kicked out of school. So many people do school and work and have kids and have multiple jobs.

In comparison to them, I only had one job and was still living with my parents. Well, my parents are narcisstic so that's like living on thin ice: it's always cold and your bound to cause a crack with every move you make.

They were a major cause of my past academic downfall in my previous academic levels. However, I should have been use to dealing with them already, therefore they can't be an excuse for me now either. I made it through primary, secondary and junior college with them constantly physically, emotionally, financially, and psychologically abusing me hence I should have been able to handle them plus online school.

But then again, online school ment I would be at home MORE, whereas all my previous academic life I had to leave home to attend classes. Maybe being around them more affected me more than I like to admit. Maybe that's why I'm currently struggling again because COVID has me stuck home and I'm constantly around them 24/7.

I see my only escape from my parents, who are the main cause of my mental health problems, is for me to get a job and move out.

I want to start school again in January because account to everyone in my family-Thats what you do. You have an associated degree therefore you must get a bacholers and masters degree or else you're doing nothing with your life. "AND in order to get a GOOD job you HAVE TO have a master's degree!! "

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#Struggled today

#Went for a walk and it still didn’t help my state of mind does anyone else get this? X

See full photo

#Struggled today

Went for a walk and it still didn’t help my state of mind does anyone else get this? X


#Struggled today

Went for a walk and it still didn’t help my state of mind does anyone else get this?