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Rainy mood

I don’t feel productive today, and I have to be because I have to finish my project until Wednesday. I’m self-sabotaging all the time and I’m tired of it. I want to cheer myself up and be grateful for all things I do. It’s just hard to believe in that deep in my heart.
Also my ex keeps texting me and I just want to hug him but at the same time I want to slap him. It’s raining and I can feel the crying sky in myself too.

#diary #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #moodswing #BPDDiagnosis #hypersensitive #Selftalk #Selfcare #Selfblame

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Mood swings make me feel like a fake

Last weekend, I was feeling so low. I had suicidal thoughts, trauma flashbacks, crying bouts, fatigue, inability to start or complete tasks, etc. Then on Tuesdayy night, I stayed up until 4am for no reason, but I didn't feel tired at all. It was like a switch flipped.

All the things that had felt so impossible were suddenly great opportunities. I cleaned my house, went shopping, booked an appointment with a new service provider, and even gladly took on an extra shift at work to cover for a someone who was sick. I'm good with just 7-8 hours of sleep where I needed at least 12 hours of sleep a week ago.

Now that I'm in the middle of this, it suddenly feels very familiar. And I suddenly realized that I haven't had an upswing since I started taking anti-depressant medication last February. Part of why I wanted to get back on meds was so that I could have a more consistent mood - I guess I got a consistent low with less anxiety?

I don't even know what to think. Could I actually be bipolar? In order to talk to my doctor about it, I feel like I need to have absolutely 100% clear evidence and conclusions to present, because otherwise he'll just say, "Hmm. Ok." and then change the topic. Plus, my appointments are generally around only 5 minutes in length. Why do I have to be the doctor in this situation??

#CheckInWithMe #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #moodswing #Doctor


Mood stabilization #meds

I need help. I'm trying to get my mom to understand that I need a mood stabilizer (I'm 16). She won't listen to me and it makes things worse. I've been on 2 others and I think they worked really well. My therapist wasn't much help. She just told me to be honest with how I feel. How do I tell her that I think I need this right now and she needs to help me and be there for me with this?







There is this feeling I grow so fondly of
The feeling too familiar yet I still cannot explain
I feel the waves crashing down on my calm waters
The waves ripple through my mind ripping away my memories
rip Away my thoughts
I feel myself ripped away
But still I feel myself going nowhere
I feel the pull of this anger
This sadness
This raw emotion
But then it’s ripped away
I feel this wave ripping through my mind taking away my emotions
Who am I when I feel everything ripped from me
Who am I when I am numb
Who am I really

#numb #moodswing #BipolarDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #whoami #Poetry #MightyPoets

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Fear is holding me down

I can’t seem to find peace when I am alone with my self. I am SO FULL of FEAR + being taken advantage of. I’m petrified of being hurt again. I’m so worried about not seeing red flags again. I am so full of fear that my life isn’t as it should and I’m making ALL THE WRONG DECISIONS. I am so F scared..! #scared #Fear #Depression #BPD #moodswing

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Sad #Depression #moodswing #Family #Whatsgoingonwithme #ChronicMigraines #Migraine

It’s again a day like this: I do things and I feel good and bam! As soon as it’s over I’m just sad and exhausted and thinking there’s no hope for me.
It’s my grandmas 89th birthday today and we had a really nice time eating cake with her. I’m even having some pain free moments. But as soon as we drive home in our car I’m just sad and exhausted without knowing why. Is this my depression? Is my medication not working properly? What’s going on? I’m sad and i feel lost.



When I woke up my mood is still okay.
When I reached the office I suddenly want to isolate myself, I lost interest on everything, my voice is almost a whisper, my actions became slow, I even force myself to do my job, my officemates are very worried, they said I look really sad and I dont talk to much, then I reach home after home I became okay again.. I was like that for 2 days..
After 2 days, I was smilling and I felt really happy, my mind is very active.. I can answer and change jokes with them, I become a sarcastic bitch again.. I get easily irritated but keep it on mind only.. I can move faster again, and they can already hear my voice clearly.. but when I got home from work I felt very tired and the very moment i entered our house i suddenlyy nagged to my younger brother with a higher voice but after a while I became calm again.. I was like that for 2 days again and that second day is today..
I dont know what will be my mood again tomorrow and the on coming days..

#moodchange #moodswing #Borderline #actingout #actingin #quietbpd #personality