breakingpoint

The day before my college graduation my father threw my things onto our yard telling me I am a raging bitch that causes all of our family problems.

To put into context: two days before my graduation my mother (who is extremely abusive emotionally and controlling) tried to tell me who was going to be going to my graduation though I’d expressed who I wanted there. She wanted her mother there. Her mother and I had almost no relationship for over 18 years of my life. I told my dad I do not want her there I wanted my Nana who has truly been more of a parent and role model to me than either of my parents combined.

For expressing I wanted my Nana there I was then told I am causing drama, but shouldn’t I be able to vocalize my wishes? For my college graduation? Apparently not.

I’d decided to get a storage unit to be independent and not have to store anything at my parents house because they truly have led me to hate them. I went to pack my things and my dad was working from home. He yelled at me to come to his office. I said “no”. He then followed me out of the house to my car and told me “I’ve held my tongue long enough you are a raging bitch who causes all of the problems in our family. If we are such terrible parents get the fuck out of my house”. He then proceeded to throw everything I own and have bought for myself with money I have earned into the front yard of our house. Our new neighbors I’m sure think we are insane. Oh I forgot to mention I also have bruises on my arms from him grabbing me. I have fibromyalgia, Ehlers Danlos, and POTS. All of which make me suffer from chronic pain everyday. He forced me to move couches, a queen sized mattress and a 300 lb piece of furniture.

In his rage he also told me to give him my car keys because the car is in his name. I paid $5,000 of the car by the way. He also told me to give him my HSA card which is how I get medicine and go to the doctor.

Happy graduation to me I guess.

He then talked to my Nana (his mom) who gave him a reality check.

He then did a 360 and expected me to want to hangout with him that day. Welcome to my life where I am always always the problem no matter what I do. #Abuse #exhausted #breakingpoint #Anxiety #Depression #Overit

#Autism #AutismDiagnosis #coping #Disability #breakingpoint This is something that's been bouncing around my head for a while. Thought I'd risk putting it "out there" and see what happens, if anybody else has anything beneficial to add. #MentalHealth I have read in a number of places that #Femaleautism is often only diagnosed after a woman has reached her breaking point, and can no longer meet the demands of "normal life", in her 30s or 40s or later, and already has kids and a career etc. This was not my experience. At least not age wise. I reached this breaking point when I was still in high school. Probably about midway through. I knew I'd never be able to manage all the stuff that was expected of me as a "normal"adult. The whole living independently, having a job, interacting with people all the time,having a romantic relationship, children, etc. etc. Was all entirely overwhelming for me. I could barely manage the demands of being part of a family as a teen, and of high school! And really, if anyone had allowed me to admit it, even that was way over my head. Especially when my severe depression was taken into account, never mind my trauma history or the ongoing trauma I was living in.

Anyways, since nobody cared, or would even acknowledge the difficulties I had with the stuff everyone else took for granted, given I was clearly also intelligent and academically capable, I had to find a way to suffer through, and as soon as possible, try to find other alternatives that would suck less, and be less overwhelming. Long story short, as soon as I was living independently, (as demanded by my family, at 19) I started investigating my options, including disability diagnoses. Eventually, it led to an autism diagnosis only a few years after Asperger's appeared in the DSM 4.

What I keep wondering is this: what does it mean that I reached this breaking point so much earlier than most women on the spectrum? Does it speak to the "severity" of my autism, or just to my degree of self awareness? Or is it something else entirely? I've never been any good at self deception or being anybody but me. I suck at role playing, and found ordinary socialization abhorrent.

Learning to socialize just to fit in was anathema to me, in contrast to so many female ASDers. I'm starting to think this was a good thing, now, though certainly nobody thought so then! I have, however, since been able to develop a number of important relationships that were based on meaningful connections, because I refused to socialize for the sake of socialization. I was even beginning to understand a bit why NTs like socialization, prior to COVID. Now of course, the opportunities aren't there, so that has fallen by the wayside. Somewhere along the line I seem to have developed a number of social skills and emotional intelligence without necessarily realizing it until recently.

More to say, but running out of room.

I don’t know how much longer I can live with these awful feelings inside. I feel like I’ve been in a relationship by myself for so long & the hurt & loneliness is unbearable. I feel like I I have literally spelled out how I feel & my desire to work on making things better. How long do I have to try to talk to someone who clearly doesn’t want to hear me? I feel like I no longer have a voice in my life. Am I the only one who is constantly yelled at to “shut up” when I’m trying so hard to work things out? When I’m reaching out & begging to have my feelings acknowledged is that wrong? Is it wrong to ask to go to couples therapy? Am I “just too sensitive “ if I’m offended that he thinks everything is fine as long he gets to keep doing what he wants and I don’t have a right to say anything about it? Is it really okay for me to continue to deal with our autistic daughter’s struggles alone while trying to deal with my MS as well as Anxiety & depression? Is it acceptable for him to always have a reason to be gone when I literally cannot leave the house for even an hour by myself?
#ms #Depression #Anxiety #Autism #lost #heartbroken #dismissed #breakingpoint #invisible #lonely #desolate

At some point along the journey of the last few months I have come to a number of conclusions. The first being that I do in fact deserve happiness. Followed closely by the fact that I have no idea whatsoever how that looks or feels or how to obtain this elusive thing.

I know what I have now is not happiness. I am married to a man I love, but not as a husband. My children are my light, my world, but I fail them daily. I have a job I could love, I could succeed at but I’m so full of bitterness and insecurities that I know that is not the path to happiness. I find myself without a friend to turn to. No one that would really understand what I’m feeling churning inside. Surrounded by people yet so alone.

I lay in bed and cry every night until the pills kick in and slow my heart rate and take me away from consciousness. It’s starting to take more and more pills to get there. I feel that the sustainability of my current situation is teetering on the brink of collapse. #Anxiety #Depression #breakingpoint

Where do I start...
Every year there is this glimpse of hope, that maybe, just maybe I might have an amazing year.
That's what I thought, oh boy, was I wrong!

So we'll start from the shit that started this whole thing and how it hits the fan.

It was 31st of January, I was having lovely cuddles with my cats, we went to sleep pretty early.
I had just started new meds and they made me suuuuuper sleepy.
Actually so sleepy that I barely got up when my apartment started to fill with smoke.
I woke up and couldn't breathe, I didn't see anything, my apartment was full of black smoke and it burned my eyes and my lungs.
I was super dizzy and out of it with my medication, all I could think was "I need to save my cats right now!".
I got them locked in their carrier, I took my phone, got dressed shittily and got the fuck out.

Turns out, someone set a fire INTENTIONALLY, because of some drama, I still don't know.
So it was an arson.
Thank god no one died or got seriously burned or hurt.
I was in my apartment full of smoke for 20 minutes before I woke up, I had smoke detectors, but they didn't work for some reason and no one elses didn't either.

Me and my cats were living at my granmoms place for two weeks until my lovely and amazing landlord bought a apartment so she could keep rentong to me a place.
She is amazing and she is full of positive vibes, love and care! I honestly couldn't be luckier to have her as my landlord.

Almost all my stuff got washed professionally and ionized and I got to keep them.
I had to throw away at least ten 240 liter waste bags full of my stuff.

Okey, so we survived from that and I am so lucky to be alive and well!

Let's just jump straigh to the next epsiode.

September...
This has been the worst month with pains...
I was in the ER every other day crying, screaming, vomiting and crying a little more because of my pains...

And now, October...
Oh my fucking god, SHIT HIT'S THE FAN WITH EVERYTHING IT HAS.
My pains are really, really, really, really, really, REALLY bad.
I don't sleep, I can't eat, I can't be social, I can't even make my own food.
And today, 14th of october....
I FUCKING FOUND MOLD ON MY APARTMENT.
It has spread it's self on my bed, on my walls and on my floor

It's really bad.

I'm like so done right now, SO done.
I can't cry because I'm so done, I'm just hysterically laughing and sometimes just smiling.
I don't even have the words.

This is my god damn fucking breaking point.

#Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #breakingpoint #tired

Just found out I have a black mold problem in my bathroom. I need a supportive word or two.

#CheckInWithMe #FeelingAlone
#breakingpoint #Depression