Our Side of Suicide

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Our Side of Suicide
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New Me?? *trigger warning*

I'm feeling a little down today. Nothing like usual, just a little off. Sometimes this happens before the shit hits the fan, so I'm anxiously anticipating that. I feel like I live in a pinball machine, bouncing off the walls and bumpers and glass, however, today I'm just slipping along the sides and avoiding all of the obstacles. It's not a very good analogy, but it makes the most sense to me. I am asking myself if this is 'regular' or 'level' ... I can't remember the last time I felt this way.

I started a new medication (both new to me, my p-doc, and to the market) about six weeks ago.The new med belongs to a group of drugs called an atypical antipsychotic that also has an antidepressant effect. For the first time in over 40 years, I haven't had suicidal ideation every single day! It took me a couple days to realize I hadn't thought about it and it really threw me off. You have to realize that that line of thinking has been my life. Every. Single. Day. It has always been my go-to; the only thing that I felt I had control over. My p-doc is astounded at how I've turned around. He decided to wean me off of the antidepressant I was currently on. I've noticed that I'm a little more snappy; my patience level has changed, though, for the better. I think I'm being shown that I can deal with my illness, and that it's time for me to put in a little mindfulness and being more conscious of my mood, and the ways I choose to deal with those feelings.

To put it in nutshell, I'm terrified that this is only going to be a quick fix, that it won't work, or that it will work but there's a HUGE crash coming. I'm just really afraid. I'm trying hard to stick to today and not give thought to tomorrow, but I can't just flip the switch that's been on for so long.

I really hope we're onto something here. It has been nice not to spend so much time thinking about and planning my demise.

Thank you for always listening. It's nice to have this community's support, understanding and sometimes a well-placed foot to the butt.

#Abuse #Addiction #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ChildhoodAbuse #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #Depression #EmotionalAbuse #Hypomania #MentalHealth #MightyPets #neglect #OurSideOfSuicide #PTSD #Relationships #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #Suicidethoughts #Survivor #Trauma @dannygautamawellness

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Sweet Sinead

So sad that Sinead O'Connor died due to mental health issues. Some will call it 'committing' suicide, that she completed a selfish act, and who knows what else. Sinead died by suicide, her last moment in a tragic life filled with trauma, pain, devastation, grief, and instability. Let us not focus on her means of death, rather the mental health demons that ate away at her and caused her demise. Many of us deal with the same issues she did, and many are a tiny step away from her death. Listen when someone says they're not feeling right, give a call or text when a friend has been off the radar for a while. We can all help people who are suffering. Any words or actions you choose can help someone get past that moment of just not wanting to be here. Be patient, compassionate and caring. Be kind. ❤

#Abuse #Addiction #Anxiety #Bipolar2 #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ChildhoodAbuse #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Depression #EmotionalAbuse #Hypomania #MentalHealth #MightyPets #neglect #OurSideOfSuicide #PTSD #Relationships #SubstanceRelatedDisorders #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicideSurvivors #Suicidethoughts #Survivor #Trauma

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I feel as though I’ve hit a bottom in my life. I know it stems from no job and how I’m treated and the lack of respect. They keep pushing but never giving. It’s also not what I went to school for. My life feels so meaningless. I have no energy for anything anymore and all I do is sleep which doesn’t even satisfy me.

I’m so exhausted and done with everything I’m not sure what I’m even looking for anymore. I spoke up to my physiatrist about all these feelings and wanting to end my life and all she did was give me the hotline number.

I guess what I’m asking is where is the sign that it’s okay to quit my job.

#OurSideOfSuicide #Selfharm #ChronicDepression #Depression #CheckInWithMe

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TW: suicide. Back in the hospital #Suicide #PostpartumSuicide

After 5 months I am back in the hospital. This time was a little different because instead of just a plan and thoughts, I attempted to take my life and failed. I am sad and frustrated. I wanted it to work. I don’t want to be here. The after affects, just sitting here in this hospital bed are eating me alive. Can’t stop shaking. Feel so uncomfortable. I can’t do this life anymore.

And I just want to send the biggest hug to anyone who might be struggling. I wouldn’t wish this suffering on anyone.

💛 #MentalHealth #PanicAttacks #Anxiety #Depression #OurSideOfSuicide #Suicide

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Lost brother

Last week I lost my brother to suicide. He made his first attempt a little over 3 weeks ago. In the 3 weeks following he attempted 2 more times before his final attempt, which took his life. Me and my family did what we thought we could do. We supported him emotionally, financially, and offered resources. He was heartbroken and lost. He lacked any sort of self love. As his sister he confided in me during those 3 weeks. He told me his deepest darkest secrets and told me how he thought he was a terrible person. It was so hard on me at the time. I tried my hardest to reinforce positive thoughts and told him how much I loved him along with others. It was not enough. Last week he took his own life. This is the hardest thing myself and my family has to endure. I know that he was hurting beyond my own comprehension but it doesn’t take my own hurt away. If anyone has gone through a loss like this I would greatly appreciate a kind word or advice during this time. Thank you. #NationalSuicidePreventionWeek #OurSideOfSuicide #SuicideLossSurvivor

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Suicidal, is it a diagnosed thing?

So I've been fairly suicidal ever since I could remember. But does anyone else feel like it's an actual diagnosis? #OurSideOfSuicide

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I Don't Tell You Because

I posted on Facebook last week that I was suicidal, and considering a divorce. I did not know I was experiencing the worst days of my PMS, because my monthly changed its schedule.
In response I was given a phone number to a hotline, many thoughts and prayers and my wonderful aunt, freaked out.
When my daughter was born I promised her that I would never take my own life and I would always get help. I promised the same to my son when he was born. I do not break my promises.
My course for when I feel this way, I go to bed. I take my anxiety meds, leave my medications with a and go to bed.
My aunt was having none of it. She was texting me nonstop for over an hour. While I appreciate her well meaning, my gods take my answers at their word!!!
I don't talk about how I feel on Facebook because the people there instantly freak out, think the worst, make snap judgements about what I need, and hound me about my wishes.
I ton't talk to anyone about this stuff because it is a symptom of my PMS that I become irrationally angry, overly emotional, have suicidal thoughts, and have attempted suicide in the past, and no one understands.
I don't talk about it because I have seizures that accompany my PMS and the first day of my cycle that make me feel awful and make life a thousand times more difficult.
I am tired of explaining myself all the time. I don't owe anyone explanations, I don't owe anyone anything. So when I finally discover my diagnosis and share it there with everyone "concerned" when I was suicidal and having awful seizures, and no one responds like I never said anything. That is when I know they didn't care.
#Depression #OurSideOfSuicide #PMS #Epilepsy #CatamenialEpilepsy #PMDD #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder


Recent shocking loss #OurSideOfSuicide

My cousin (more like a brother) sadly took his own life on Monday. I don’t know how to feel. What to do, how to respond. I feel completely devastated and totally numb all at the same time.
If there are any support groups or counselling services you can recommend please do. I know I need help
To get through this and can’t seek that from my family x