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    First time here, Mother's day sucks. #CheckInWithMe #Bipolar2Disorder #Anxiety #Depression #CEN

    Mother's Day is the worst holiday for kids with #CEN . How can I honor or say nice things about someone who neglected me emotionally? She was never meant to be a mother. I'm glad I was born and I've never tried to change that (well at least not officially). Having #BipolarDisorder with #RapidCycling makes it fun when I'm manic and sometimes I have done some irrational things. My birth father left when I was a baby so he was no help and my step father had a baby with my mother when I was nine who became Daddy's little girl. No place for me.

    So now when I stand in front of the Mother's Day cards and read them and none of it is true...what do I do? I bought a generic card and a Gift Card to the grocery store. Thankfully I have a Mother-In-Law and a great Wife who are great mothers, at least I can celebrate with them.

    As a child I was depressed, angry, anxious, happy (although I don't remember any of that emotion), and sometimes just emotionally drained. She did nothing to help me. She did nothing to treat me. What kind of mother does that? At least my wife was smart enough and caring enough to make me get help and the right help.

    I left the house at 17 and went to college and for a year, never looked back. It wasn't until my 30's that I even found out I had Bipolar Disorder. Maybe if she had cared enough to get me real help things would have been different between us. Anyone else have this kind of situation?


    a day in my mind

    so.. today was a good day for me. nothing in particular happened but it was a good day. my mind and body felt calm. i had energy. i was dancing around at work I wasn't in a great mood. but I wasn't sad. I wasn't meh. I smiled. I didn't overthink anything I didn't over analyze. until... until I realized I was having a good day.then it hit me. this is gonna suck. good days are harder than bad day. bad days you can always go up. there are the good days to look forward to. but good days. u just know they won't last. u want to hope and maybe even think this will kast. that ur brain is learning to function better. the work ur doin is helping. ur getting better. but the good days dont last.. maybe a few days at most. you know something is going to happen to upset you. bring you down
    days like this almost suck. they are so bittersweet. I like me on these days.i miss this me. I almost forget this me exists outside of days like this. I wish I could be this way more. it sucks bc the bad days will show up. I want to be normal. God how I want normal. I hate knowing somwthing so small and stupid will make me spiral and get depressed and make me not this person. good days are harder than bad. I'd rather just stay content forever. not happy. not sad. no good day no bad days. just days #childoftrauma #BPD #CEN #whycantibenormal


    Avoidance of life

    Avoidance of life, I tend to avoid participating in, well , anything. Why? It’s all way too much. For many years I believe I was unscathed by the events I had experienced in my adolescence starting from birth or even prenatal. I learned the opposite when my Mother In Law died, suddenly, of a fentanyl overdose. I consider it poisoning because she was not aware of it being present. Well, this deep pain opened a threshold I was not prepared for. It felt as if I ripped open and flipped inside out. I am not who I thought I was.
    My behaviors and habits have a clear connection to my trauma and abuse. Who knew? I only refused to, Order food, speak in groups, I was compulsive about clothing, full of rage and violent behavior , obscene amount preparation and perfection... on and on.
    Nothing shows you the truth like a true mental break.
    I was numb for so long. As a younger person I was a wrote and acknowledged for it, a painted and deeply invested. Slowly that all faded away, I was numb and detached.
    Cheers to this painful experience that connected me to my inner thoughts and feeling. I love you but love is not easy.
    #CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #ChildAbuse #CEN #SexualAbuse #abandonment #narcissisticabusesurvivor #narcissiticmother


    Getting down to that trauma #CEN #Childhoodemotionalneglect

    My therapist and I are digging down to figure out where some of my distorted thinking comes from. It keeps ending up with very early trauma. I had no parental connection at all when I was a tiny baby (preemie, my mom even took me out of the hospital early against medical advice, and when I stopped crying, she though I was just an easy baby, when I was really giving in to the knowledge that I was never going to get the emotional connection that I needed).

    This emotional neglect throughout my life caused me to be suicidal by the age of 8, to not connect with friends, to live with the knowledge that I needed to overachieve at everything I did just to be acceptable, and that any tiny mistake that I made would become a huge problem.

    I learned to be ashamed of my anxiety, and that I was not special or deserving of anything.

    I guess I just wanted to say that #Childhoodemotionalneglect has ruined every single part of my life, and even though most people don’t know what it is, it is one of the most harmful forms of abuse. #Depression #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Selfharm #Suicide


    Anyone else experience childhood emotional neglect when very young and/or failure to thrive? #CEN #FailureToThrive #BipolarDepression

    I’m trying to find people with the same experience that I had because I’m struggling.


    Dear myself,

    Dear myself,
    I don’t really know what you’re fighting right now. I don’t really understand what you’re struggling against. I just know it feels hard.

    I know you’re not used to hearing from me. I’m not used to speaking to you either. Both of us distrust each other.

    The world waking up outside the train window is so bright. I know you don’t really feel like a part of it. You’re struggling on the boundary between feeling and not feeling, trying to disappear as much as you can, taking refuge in books and fantasies and fatalism.

    I’m sorry that I don’t know how to validate you and tell you it’s okay. I’m sorry that I don’t often try.

    I know you feel weak. I feel weak carrying you. And I can’t explain why. I’m sorry that I don’t know.

    I keep thinking of being a little braver, of letting go of grief, of letting go of the need for numbness, of announcing my place in the family of things.

    You keep thinking maybe you could stop thinking that it’s hard and stop holding us back.

    But you know what, I’ll hear what you have to say when you need to say it. You don’t have to be afraid.

    I know having faith in myself and encouraging myself has always felt uncomfortable for me, but I know I can try. It doesn’t have to be hard.

    Sometimes it’s just a matter of looking out the window, listening to yourself, and deciding to make things better. #keepgoing #CEN


    Nobody wants to talk to me #CEN #Childhoodemotionalneglect #Depression

    I always feel like I’m such a miserable person to have around, and that when I actually talk about what I feel, I am a huge burden.


    Faking it too well? #Depression #Disabililty

    Does anyone else do too good of a job of seeming okay?
    I have crippling mental health problems latterly resulting from childhood trauma #CEN #Childhoodemotionalneglect . I used to be a banker, then a teacher, then I had to leave teaching due to my symptoms. I stayed home for about 9 months in various forms of treatment. Now I’m receiving disability and working very part time at a library. I seem to everyone like I’m totally fine, but I am so so sick. Am I the only one who gets mad that they can seem fine but feel terrible?


    Staying safe

    Counting the minutes until I can go to bed, because it’s tiring trying not to harm myself. #Bipolar2 #CEN #Selfharm


    Childhood ruined my life #CEN #attachment #Childhoodemotionalneglect #Depression

    Why does it feel like I’m the only person in the world who has let their childhood trauma completely ruin their life? My mom sucked at actually caring. I had zero attachment, and suffered from emotional neglect from day one. I thought I had things under control for a very long time. Now here I am, living at home with my mom and her husband, barely managing to work part time at a library, and living off disability. I have no relationships, two friends on a good day, and I have no drive to do anything. Now, I struggle to manage bipolar 2, anxiety, ocd, and maybe bpd. I feel like an absolute loser because all I ever hear about is people who survived adversity and conquered everything, and now they have relatively normal lives. How is it possible that I have completely failed like this? I’ve been doing the therapy and the meds and everything for years and years. I feel so done.