chronicunsteadiness

Where I am, in southeastern Massachusetts, USA- it's dreary and rainy and the perfect day for a #fibro-flare necessitating nap.

As I sit here writing this; it is my sincerest wish to nap....
But (*gasp*) it is not to be... because I opened my stupid mouth to my in-laws and invited them to dinner tonight.

*shakes fist to the sky*
"WHY, OH WHY?!"

Oh sure, I *could* cancel... again... for the millionth time... and they're sweet, supportive & understanding. They do so much for my significant other and I-

No, it doesn't feel like an obligation to host dinner, just feels like a lot of a thing that I haven't got the energy for.

I'm choosing to swallow it today; two extra cups of coffee oughta do it!

Screw you flare! I'll deal with you tomorrow!

*realizes what a bad idea it is and does it anyway*

P.S. Tomorrow is going to SUCK!

#Fibromyalgia #coffee #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ImposterSyndrome #Depression #HSP #CPTSD #ChronicPain #ChronicFatigue #chronicunsteadiness #INFJ #nap #Fibromyalgiaflare #FibroFog

Welcome to my pity party;
Super-soft blankies to the left, crying fits to the right, & the overall theme is:
BA-BA-DA-DAAAAA....
🥳DEPRESSION. 🥳

Sure, the seasons cange & I "should" get a "happy light". DON'T PUT YOUR "SHOULD" ON ME!!!
(thanks for that line Lola Pickett)

Today, I am focusing on #Depression because my #Fibromyaliga hates changes of seasons & takes it's painful hatred out on me (for frame of reference: a couple days ago it was 60 degrees F & last night it started snowing. I think we have 4 or 5 inches right now). The days have been full of "to do" lists and good intentions; only to be crushed by the reality of #ChronicFatigue , #ChronicPain , #CPTSD , #FibroFog , #ChronicNausea , #chronicunsteadiness , #ChronicIllness , #Highly Sensitive Person or HSP #emotionalempath , #BPD , & all the usual suspects... The days have been crushed by the reality that my life is no longer my own to do with as I please. Sound familiar? Re-read the first paragraph. 😫

I am working on bilateral thinking; instead of saying "this OR that", I am trying to think in terms of "this AND that".
Instead of "I can have depression OR I can support others in a positive way.", I have intentionally changed it to:
"I have depression AND I can support others in a positive way."

I have chronic fatigue AND I can find the energy to do my laundry.

Everything hurts and I'm dying AND I can gather enough spoons to shower today.

I'm trying, right?

AND, at the end of the day, all we can do is to keep trying to do our best, right?

Baby steps.

I'm going to go find my meds & my super- soft blankie... 🥱

#dontjudgelol
#AlwaysExhausted
#fibrowarrior
#Spoonie

This morning, a large stream of of thunderstorms swept through where I live. I love waking up to the sound of rain on the roof & booms of thunder rolling through the sky. It was dark & my bed felt comfortable & cozy. My body, however, was another story.
Waking up every morning with #Fibromyalgia means that pain is what wakes you. Most mornings it's occompanied by stiffness so pronounced that it makes getting out of bed to use the bathroom feel like a whiskey-soaked walk; attempting not to knock anything off the walls & not to fall requires a pace that would require one of those "slow moving vehicle" signs on your behind.
Add in thunderstorms, & the changes to the barometric pressure they cause, to the scenerio; it becomes a heroic effort. Add in #Depression , #CPTSD , & #BPD ... you now have ample reasons to stay in bed forever.
But then comes the #Guilt & all the "shoulds": laundry, dinner, vacuum, clean the this or that, actually get dressed, shower (since you skipped it yesterday), self-care, call a loved one, try to actually get some work done today, "accomplish just one thing; you'll feel better"...
The guilt of not being able to do the "shoulds", even if the "shoulds" are self- imposed, makes the 20 steps to the shower feel like 2 million. & the longer I wait to start the journey, the more I start to hate myself.
Once completely disgusted with my existence & every single aspect of myself, I know I MUST, at the very least, shower today. I take a deep breath, throw off the blankets, sit up, take my meds, & begin the long journey, cursing every step of the way. & with every step the thought of the work involved in cleaning myself (& how much energy all of it will take from me- "spoons" #SpoonTheory ) feels equally as heavy and hateful as the guilt & "shoulds" that got me out of bed. Ugh.
The hours these things took are some I had completely lost track of & will never get back. (Often, as of late, I become hyper-focused on some activity or thing that steals away hours that I can't seem to explain. But that's a story for another day.)
Doing it anyway (showering properly) puts me out of commission til dinnertime. I wonder how I'll ever balance these feelings & symptoms with a career; when it takes practically til 2pm just to get to the point where I can make that 20 step journey to the shower?
#ChronicIllness #Fibromyalgia #FibroFog #ChronicFatigue #ChronicPain #Depression #chronicunsteadiness #BPD #Depression #CPTSD #Highly Sensitive Person or HSP

"Someone who has the same thing you have is better at their job." (Not to me specifically, but on a live national conference call this morning.) & then he implied that it was used as "an excuse".

Appalled, angry and in tears feeling the loss of my health prior to Fibromyalgia, I'm sharing this rant:

Feeling frustrated that I can't be who I was before #Fibromyalgia .
I can't think clearly most of the time because of the #FibroFog .
I can't speak as eloquently because my nervous system is screaming "PAIN PAIN PAIN" & my brain is so busy trying to process that, that I get mush mouth, or forget what I'm saying WHILE I'm saying it. Most if the time, I don't want to talk at all. To anyone. No matter who they are or how much I love them.
I can't focus on one activity for more than half an hour before getting a headache.
I wouldn't dare try to climb mountains like I used to for fear of the severe flare I would be in for.
Time doesn't make sense any more; probably because no matter what day of the week it is, I'm in pain. No matter what time of the day, I'm fatigued. No matter what the holiday, my biggest concern is getting it over and done with so I can get back home and be more comfortable.
My career used to be a priority. And I could not have more feelings of apathy toward it now.
I have #Anxiety now.
I have #CarpalTunnelSyndrome now.
I have pretty pronounced #Depression now.
I have #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder .
I have #CPTSD .
I am a #Highly Sensitive Person or HSP now.
I am an #emotionalempath .
I suffer from #ChronicFatigue , #MentalHealth issues, #ChronicPain , #chronic dizziness, #ChronicNausea #chronicunsteadiness , falls, bruising I can't explain, memory issues, dry mouth, weight gain, swelling in the legs and feet, sleep disturbances, insomnia... you name it.
Still pissed that I can't be who I was before this. Still wish I could turn back the clock. Still angry. Still venting.

Still reading? Why?