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The Silent Horror Show - What it’s like to live with Trauma induced Panic Attacks
Here we go, an impulsive seemingly random dreaded wave of panic washes over me.
What is it this time? What triggered the sudden rush of adrenaline? I was feeling so good today!?!? No time to process or identify the trigger; I have to prepare for the tsunami I feel building up inside of me.
Great, another "episode" of mental paralysis buddied-up with the terrifying physical sensations that radiates throughout every fiber of my body. The unwelcomed duo have arrived and the horror show will begin within seconds; silently engulfing all of me with its insidious fangs as the world around me keeps turning. I grow quiet as my mind is the first participant in to be tortured behind invisible curtains from the people around me.
It's time. I prepare to fully surrender and get comfortable with the uncomfortable; to “let go” and "float" so I can get through this internal nightmare labeled “Panic Attack.” The psyche is always the first to be victimized into the trance repeating the lyrics of the corrupted broken record stuck on a loop of false reality that I am going insane and with then drop dead from a heart attack, stroke, seizure or brain aneurysm.
How can this just be all in my head!?!! Something that’s medically non-threatening produce such extreme symptoms!!? No matter how many hundreds, probably closer to thousands, of full blown panic attacks I’ve experienced in my life; my brain refuses to believe we’re going to be okay. Everytime single time; the thoughts race around my head like a dog chasing its tail; exerting energy and getting nowhere.
I whisper to myself “Please don’t let me lose it or kill me this time.” At this point, I am just waiting for the day permanent insanity joins the dynamic duo, mental paralysis and bodily dysfunction become the three musketeers, the ring leaders of the horror show.
The intensity increases rapidly as it pulls me into a dissociative state of tear like a riptide's tumultuous force dragging you out to the depths of the dark sea.
Great, another “episode” of traumatic flashbacks inducing full blown panic. My body is extremely tense, my chest is tight, my limbs are wobbly and trembling, my breathing is labored from the rapid inhalation of hyperventilation resembling what feels like drowning in air.
I obsessively start mentally scanning my body frantically checking in on every little sensation of anything that could resemble a heart attack. "This is it. It has to be!" My inner dialogue intensifies growing louder with each overly drawn breathe. #PanicDisorder #Anxiety #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PanicAttacks
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