Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

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When Today Isn't Today

Have you ever leapfrogged over your present self and wound up in the future?

It does feel like I'm living in a sci-fi series that hasn't been written yet; in a world where I pass between timelines as easily as through waterfalls; where mirrors are portals to communicate with distant selves, to reflect hope from a nearby future.

The current Now is my grounding magnet, my northern star, the center of the storm. It's the strongest anchor I have to myself; it's our "You Are Here" dot; it's the middle where all the Motley can meet.

I hadn't lost my grip on reality, I just had to wait until it came into focus, and when it did, I realized I don't have to squeeze so hard.

#DissociativeIdentityDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MentalHealth

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You survived…

Sometimes there’s so much chaos, we have to hide away.
We lose connection with our selves, in an attempt to be okay
My darling, you’ve been through so much, but things are finally starting to change.
You’ve found a strength you didn’t know you had, though it feels unfamiliar and strange.
Things will never be ‘easy’.
That’s just not how life works.
I just hope you’ll always remember, you weren’t to blame for the abuse and all the hurt.
It’s ok to take things slowly.
You don’t need to earn rest.
Just keep taking each moment as it comes, and be proud that you’ve always done your best.
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MentalHealth #Abuse

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The Weight of Remembering: A Journey from Darkness to Clarity

I woke with a heaviness I know all too well. It's been prominent for years; however, the intensity has dimmed over time. The longer I'm free, the easier it gets to maintain the grief of it all.

I'm realizing that nothing I remember was real. All lies, to forget the pain of their lies, suffocating, until the explosion of my shadows.

They came raging out in defiance, strangling me to undo the mask, sewn into my skin. I rage, I scream, I cry.

My eyes bleed with sorrow. My nails dig into my skin, trying to tear it off. Still in-tach, my cheeks now bleed with my eyes, the horror, what is happening?

How much did I forget? Why wouldn't I learn to fight back? Oh, that's right, my father physically hurts people, not people, my mother. So it wouldn't surprise me if I were hit in my younger years. He almost hit me when I was 17. It frightened me to my core, something I was all too familiar with.

Nothing was making sense anymore. What's worse is that over time, we moved past it. Like it was normal.

The longer you are away from your abuser, the more you learn the truth. The truth about the pain, the suffering, the sleepless nights, the physical tension, the anxiety - all of it.

And now all I think is, why didn't I see it before? Blaming myself yet again.

I am the victim. I am the survivor. I am a warrior ready to fight the battle for others.

Everything coming into focus, I see where my path is leading.

#MentalHealth #healingjourney #CPTSD

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The Weight of Remembering: A Journey from Darkness to Clarity

I woke with a heaviness I know all too well. It's been prominent for years; however, the intensity has dimmed over time. The longer I'm free, the easier it gets to maintain the grief of it all.

I'm realizing that nothing I remember was real. All lies, to forget the pain of their lies, suffocating, until the explosion of my shadows.

They came raging out in defiance, strangling me to undo the mask, sewn into my skin. I rage, I scream, I cry.

My eyes bleed with sorrow. My nails dig into my skin, trying to tear it off. Still in-tach, my cheeks now bleed with my eyes, the horror, what is happening?

How much did I forget? Why wouldn't I learn to fight back? Oh, that's right, my father physically hurts people, not people, my mother. So it wouldn't surprise me if I were hit in my younger years. He almost hit me when I was 17. It frightened me to my core, something I was all too familiar with.

Nothing was making sense anymore. What's worse is that over time, we moved past it. Like it was normal.

The longer you are away from your abuser, the more you learn the truth. The truth about the pain, the suffering, the sleepless nights, the physical tension, the anxiety - all of it.

And now all I think is, why didn't I see it before? Blaming myself yet again.

I am the victim. I am the survivor. I am a warrior ready to fight the battle for others.

Everything coming into focus, I see where my path is leading.

#MentalHealth #healingjourney #CPTSD

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So, my new therapist thinks I may have been misdiagnosed. She thinks I have autism. As a nearly 40-year-old woman, I've learned to mask pretty well, but not without obvious struggles. My original diagnosis of borderline personality disorder has been thrown out, and my PTSD diagnosis remains. This feels kind of weird, but it also makes so much sense. Anyone else around here get a later-in-life diagnosis?

(Photograph by me)

#MentalHealth
#PTSD
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
#ADHD
#AutismSpectrumDisorder
#Autism
#Anxiety
#Depression

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What It's Like to Live With Trauma That No One Sees

Just another day of surviving C-PSTD. Everything looks good on the outside. But on the inside, my stomach is twisted, my nervous system is barely functioning from overuse, and my soul is deeply exhausted.

The other day I was triggered by an employee at the DMV who did nothing but her job. I spiraled hard that day, I screamed and cried for hours. It wasn't just about the missing paperwork. It was the fact that I was never guided on how to do life or how to navigate adulthood. So every time I come face to face with a obstacle, and it doesn't pan out - Triggered.

First, I feel the weight hit my chest, then my stomach starts to churn. Tears are inevitable. But it's not just sadness. It's blinding hot rage and anger. I went home and collapsed into screams and sobs. At one point, I yelled at the photos of my departed mother, I find it harder to feel empathy for her with each passing day. It's hard to describe what I'm feeling on the inside or what it's like to heal from everything I experienced, so I'll try, it's word vomit, plus real vomit with a tidal wave of emotions with only one way out. Eventually, I passed out from exhaustion. My afternoon naps - those are the only times I really sleep. At night, the real demons come. In the dark. Where the other monsters reside.

Healing is a rollercoaster in my life. One minute I would be perfectly fine. The next - chaos.

I've learned this: healing is step by step. You define what that looks like.

I've noticed a pattern: first the emotions explode, then I sit. Then my mind starts sorting the facts. I need timelines,. Logic. The 5 W's: who, what, when, where, why.Eventually both sides of me - the emotional and the logical - meet. I can begin to co-exist with what happened. In the present and the past. Because once the emotional attachment releases, it's just a fact about me. And facts can't hurt me the way memories do.

I remind myself daily, I am not broken, I am merely carrying more weight than anyone should. About this post... these words... I've held them in my soul far too long.

To the reader that made it this far, I see you and I see your pain. I hope that you find what's been missing and reclaim it as your own.

#CPTSD #healingjourney #TraumaRecovery #MentalHealth #youarenotalone

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What It's Like to Live With Trauma That No One Sees

Just another day of surviving C-PSTD. Everything looks good on the outside. But on the inside, my stomach is twisted, my nervous system is barely functioning from overuse, and my soul is deeply exhausted.

The other day I was triggered by an employee at the DMV who did nothing but her job. I spiraled hard that day, I screamed and cried for hours. It wasn't just about the missing paperwork. It was the fact that I was never guided on how to do life or how to navigate adulthood. So every time I come face to face with a obstacle, and it doesn't pan out - Triggered.

First, I feel the weight hit my chest, then my stomach starts to churn. Tears are inevitable. But it's not just sadness. It's blinding hot rage and anger. I went home and collapsed into screams and sobs. At one point, I yelled at the photos of my departed mother, I find it harder to feel empathy for her with each passing day. It's hard to describe what I'm feeling on the inside or what it's like to heal from everything I experienced, so I'll try, it's word vomit, plus real vomit with a tidal wave of emotions with only one way out. Eventually, I passed out from exhaustion. My afternoon naps - those are the only times I really sleep. At night, the real demons come. In the dark. Where the other monsters reside.

Healing is a rollercoaster in my life. One minute I would be perfectly fine. The next - chaos.

I've learned this: healing is step by step. You define what that looks like.

I've noticed a pattern: first the emotions explode, then I sit. Then my mind starts sorting the facts. I need timelines,. Logic. The 5 W's: who, what, when, where, why.Eventually both sides of me - the emotional and the logical - meet. I can begin to co-exist with what happened. In the present and the past. Because once the emotional attachment releases, it's just a fact about me. And facts can't hurt me the way memories do.

I remind myself daily, I am not broken, I am merely carrying more weight than anyone should. About this post... these words... I've held them in my soul far too long.

To the reader that made it this far, I see you and I see your pain. I hope that you find what's been missing and reclaim it as your own.

#CPTSD #healingjourney #TraumaRecovery #MentalHealth #youarenotalone

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Life Before and After: The Experience of Nostalgia and Trauma

It's normal to have moments of nostalgia. Maybe you see something that recalls a memory from the past, or you hear a certain sound, smell a particular scent, or even just an old familiar feeling washes over you in a moment that takes you back momentarily. These moments can be bittersweet—the memories can serve as reminders of a time that likely was meaningful, but also perhaps combined with a sense of loss of that time in your life. This is a common experience.

Deeply Consuming Nostalgia Goes Beyond a Momentary Memory

Many people can struggle with deep, heavy, and frequent moments of painful nostalgia. There may be an overwhelming yearning or craving to return to times or places in life in the past. Perhaps times like holidays, or experiences with certain family members, or places that have meaning, or even just returning to simpler times with less responsibility where so many possibilities still lay ahead in life. Whatever it may be, some people can become embedded within deeply consuming nostalgic emotional states.

Within this heavy experience of nostalgia, it goes beyond the bittersweet, once-in-a-while moments. Emotional memories can come up throughout each day and become fully consuming. Often when in these states of deep nostalgia, the memories can be filled with idealized moments, and in turn can be riddled with grief and longing for them in the present. It's even possible that many memories contain a euphoric lacquer brushed over them that makes them appear ideal now in the mind's eye—as if getting back to these moments in time will be the key to happiness and the cure to pain.

How Trauma Can Play a Role in Deep Nostalgia

This deeply yearning form of nostalgia can often happen when people struggle with depression, or the experience of Grass Is Greener Syndrome (which I've written about on my blog if you would like to see more). However, it's also common to experience deep and heavily consuming nostalgia when you've been through certain types of trauma.

If you're a survivor of trauma, you may recognize how trauma can have a way of dividing a person's world. When trauma (it doesn't only have to be one traumatic moment, necessarily, but various types of trauma including ongoing trauma) happens, it can often have a "before" and "after" effect. Basically, the mental and emotional experience can be that there is life before the trauma, and then life after. Trauma is generally a painful and very real turning point in one's life.

Traumatic Impact on the Mind and Body

Traumatic experiences have a strong impact on the mind and body. Trauma is often the result of experiences that you likely didn't how to process in the moments you were faced with. In the experience of trauma, the mind and body wrestles with something overstimulating, scary, painful (and more), and too much to take in and make sense of all at once. It creates not only an earthquake in the mind and body to contend with in the present and going forward, it also often creates a feeling of loss of a certain type of innocence prior to the trauma.

When trauma happens, there is often a new sense of danger, threat, and vulnerability in the world that maybe wasn't experienced before. This can lead to all sorts of emotional responses, such as panic attacks, anxiety, gaps in memory, escapism, difficulty letting one's guard down or relinquishing control, and more as the mind and body struggles to process these overstimulating and overwhelming experiences. This internal shift can result in dividing life into a before-and-after experience as you move forward carrying the impact of trauma.

Comfort in Visiting the Past Before Trauma

When it comes to nostalgia, it is actually quite common for people who've been through trauma to sometimes find safety and comfort in accessing experiences in the past—traveling within themselves back in time to a time and place that made more sense and was perhaps more pure and grounded. Maybe listening to certain music, watching familiar TV shows or movies, engaging in activities that can almost create a cocoon in the past, prior to the trauma. At times, this can serve as a useful coping mechanism.

However, simultaneously, the frequent time spent revisiting the "before" can also create a strong sense of dwelling and paralysis away from life in the present. Within deep and frequent nostalgia, whether it's depression and/or trauma experiences, there can often be a sense of unprocessed grief when dwelling frequently in certain memories. As comforting as these emotional memories may be, the experience of dwelling can sometimes tell us when we haven't processed something painful.

In fact, it is not uncommon for people to begin understanding when they've been through trauma because of their deep nostalgia.

Healing From Trauma and Finding the Path Through

To clarify, having nostalgic moments is completely normal and doesn't mean you're automatically struggling with trauma or depression. But if you're spending a lot of time or emotional energy dwelling in memories of the past, are deeply yearning to relive these moments, or are regularly looking to find escapes to "life before", it may mean that there's at least something unprocessed—perhaps something to be grieved or understood—calling for your attention.

When I work with people who struggle with trauma, depression, Grass Is Greener Syndrome, or even just when frequent experiences of nostalgia show up, we take the time to explore and understand the emotional meaning of these moments and memories. The road to healing can be found through these memories.

#Trauma #Depression #MentalHealth #grassisgreenersyndrome #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

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Feeling all of the anxiety and weight

I hate somatic symptoms. They override every rational part of my brain and take over. It leads to panic attacks and dysregulation. I dissociate more and cannot focus. Even my coping skills (which are diverse and usually very helpful) are too hard for me to even access. My brain cannot stop focusing on the fear. I feel like the only lighthouse operator (what are they called), hypervigilance kicking in because a storm is approaching and I am the only one and must be ready. Complex ptsd- you know?

Lately I have been extremely anxious. We all know why. I have been posting about it. And as things are progressing, it is leading to more somatic symptoms.

It is triggering emotional flashbacks that leave me paralyzed- unable to think about anything other than making sure I am safe. It reminds me of the somatic symptoms I got when I was calling agencies every morning begging for the resource of housing because my friends were kicking me out, again, because they didn’t think it would take this long for me to get housing. The disability system is really hard to survive. And the focus of health care now in its target- how could it not trigger these flashbacks.

GoFest, one of my favorite annual events I have participated in during almost every year despite my situations (which we have seen have been pretty dire at times), was hard for me. I also have been having an increasingly hard time taking care of myself, sleeping, brushing my teeth, leaving, thinking, showering. I am terrified and activated. My medication isn’t working. I’m throwing up purely from anxiety. I literally just throw up now. I am coping through all of this. My therapists have nothing but validating things to say. There are no changes that can be made. I am just existing. I’m not sad. I just am anxious.

And angry. Thank you to my friend who reminded me of this recently. I am angry that my life has become a system of begging for resources when I could be doing so much more! I have a great education and was a great school psychologist- a profession that consistently has openings because the demand is so great. However, because of a combination of trauma and chronic illness, I am disabled and have to spend my time and energy on fighting for resources that are now being fought over in politics. This isn’t about politics. This is about basic human needs.

I have been trying to get well, with so many inhumane barriers, while sick, just so I can return to work and have a normal life. I don’t want money or status or power. I just want a normal life. I want to live with dignity and safety. (People who have been read posts a couple of years ago probably know these barriers)

My boyfriend told me my words and thoughts matter. That I’m a good advocate. He tells me that for every person who does respond to my post, there are probably five others who do read it. Which is why I took the time to post today.

I am so scared today. Thank goodness I have both a therapy and a psychiatrist appointment with my wonderful providers.

#MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #ADHD #ChronicIllness #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Disability #Anxiety #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AutonomicDysfunction #Migraine #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #POTS #ChronicVestibularMigraine

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Hi, there 👋

Are there people around who are looking to build potential friendships? I feel like I've been contacted by bots or something lately. Not sure what's going on, but I hope I can meet some people here who want to make actual connections. That being said, I hope you're all doing well.

#MentalHealth
#CheckInWithMe
#Anxiety
#Depression
#PTSD
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
#ADHD
#ADHDInGirls
#Addiction
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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