Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

I haven’t said much here. But I have had a lot going on in my head. So I guess here are some of the things.

Last time I tried to speak out about my fears on the mighty, I felt mostly supported but sometimes dismissed in the comments. I have been hesitating to talk about it again here, because it is hard. However I need support and I don’t feel like this is about politics.
I am more concerned for my future. As someone who uses my health insurance multiple times a week, at places that receive some funding from Medicaid and Medicare- I am terrified. If you haven’t been watching- there are proposed significant cuts to Medicaid and Medicare that will affect anyone who uses these services (even if you are disabled). These cuts will have system wide impacts (think of the places you receive care- they will likely have to shift things around with reductions). Oh- and also cuts proposed to SNAP/food benefits. I have been actively calling my Representatives and Senators. It’s a really scary time right now. When I talk to some people in office, they lie to me on the phone and I have to correct them. They do not argue with me, and usually end up providing me with clearer answers. Which is alarming, to say the least. Not only that, people who receive benefits are being called things by “leaders” in the government that are demoralizing to say the least. They say they are protecting vulnerable populations while calling us names on social media or interview clips. And cutting our benefits and putting more obstacles in the way that have been proven to fail and make citizens sicker when adopted on a state level.

My boyfriend has to change jobs because the place he works cut pay “as an experiment” for just a few branches of a national company. At a time when financial insecurity is even more greater, I am experiencing a significant increase in my trauma symptoms and my flight response has been kicking in hard. But there is no sense of normality anywhere I go.

I’m having a lot of emotional flashbacks from previously being unhoused. We are working through things in therapy, but again- I don’t feel safe even with knowing I will be covered by my insurance.

I think it’s hurting me more than I realized that I cannot access my old places and friends that I used as coping mechanisms since I ended up being displaced. Of course I can still go back and visit, talk to them on the phone or online (and I have done all of these) but we all know that is much easier said than done for people who are also managing chronic conditions.
When I panicked before, felt constrained, needed a safe place- I had them. I grabbed my dog and we went a few minutes down the road and looked for fossils or shells. I played pokemon go with casual friends. I had built up a net of accessible options. I was familiar with people there and it was a smaller town.
I live in a much bigger city now. I have tried to do things here, but the panic attacks got way worse when I moved. I have a list of a few places I can sometimes go, but no friends to just hang out with. And I have tried many ways to make new friends. I just don’t have close ones. It takes time, you know? Especially when so much of your time is managing your chronic illnesses.
The thing is- I’m doing the things most people will say to do. But being displaced really has been hard on me. And the benefits to being in this bigger city (my amazing boyfriend and my great care team) feel like they are getting further from me. I am feeling terrified of losing my health insurance and my care. The political climate is making things feel tense and uncertain. And for the first time in some time- I feel like the future might be worse. I do not hope for things anymore because I am so scared.

I know this feeling will pass. I just also know the things I am saying are also very true. My fears are valid, just as they were four months ago.

#Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Disability #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #ADHD #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome

Hi everyone,

I just joined yesterday and I am really hoping to find a feeling of connection on here. But I have to admit, the thought scares me, too.

I have been struggling with mental health breakdowns for a long time, almost 20 years. The past 8 years have been a constant up and down with a big focus on the down. For the past 4 years I've been chronically ill, at home, unable to work and really unable to stay in touch with friends and family. To speak in diagnoses: cPTSD, ADHD, autism, some depression sprinkled in as well. The big trauma and neurodivergence thing I only found out about within the past few years.

I feel so isolated in the world of my brain, thoughts and feeling, it feels like no one will ever really get it. I get angry, annoyed, exhausted, when I am staying in touch with friends, but I also really crave connection. Do you get it?

I know I am mighty powerful and resilient. I keep pushing forward and standing up. I can take a lot. But I also just wish I wouldn't have to do it all on my own. Well, not entirely alone. I have a wonderful partner. But he is healthy (thankfully!), and therefore his brain operates a different way. And I? I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to open up. I don't want to commit. I don't want to promise friendship. I don't want to give. But, I also crave finding my tribe. I have to find my tribe. I want to find my tribe. So I can be understood and not have to explain anymore.

Will you have me?

#Trauma #attachmenttrauma #EmotionalNeglect #CPTSD #PTSD #Autism #ADHD #Neurodiversity

Hi everyone,

I just joined yesterday and I am really hoping to find a feeling of connection on here. But I have to admit, the thought scares me, too.

I have been struggling with mental health breakdowns for a long time, almost 20 years. The past 8 years have been a constant up and down with a big focus on the down. For the past 4 years I've been chronically ill, at home, unable to work and really unable to stay in touch with friends and family. To speak in diagnoses: cPTSD, ADHD, autism, some depression sprinkled in as well. The big trauma and neurodivergence thing I only found out about within the past few years.

I feel so isolated in the world of my brain, thoughts and feeling, it feels like no one will ever really get it. I get angry, annoyed, exhausted, when I am staying in touch with friends, but I also really crave connection. Do you get it?

I know I am mighty powerful and resilient. I keep pushing forward and standing up. I can take a lot. But I also just wish I wouldn't have to do it all on my own. Well, not entirely alone. I have a wonderful partner. But he is healthy (thankfully!), and therefore his brain operates a different way. And I? I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to open up. I don't want to commit. I don't want to promise friendship. I don't want to give. But, I also crave finding my tribe. I have to find my tribe. I want to find my tribe. So I can be understood and not have to explain anymore.

Will you have me?

#Trauma #attachmenttrauma #EmotionalNeglect #CPTSD #PTSD #Autism #ADHD #Neurodiversity

Another night of no sleep because the pain won't give up.
I spend so many nights not being able to fall asleep when the meds don't help.
I tried for 2 and a half years trying to get my doctor to listen to me.
This started in 2019 with a list of things I wrote down and tried to tell my doctor.
But he insisted on only letting me talk about "the worst thing", which was diarrhea and stomach pain.
I told him that those symptoms were only one percent worse than the rest of the things on my list, but that didn't matter to him. For dozens of appointments with him, four different GI doctors, and seven emergency room visits, nobody would let me talk about anything except the stomach problems.
Dozens of tests with no idea what was going on.
After I stopped seeing my primary care doctor because he wouldn't listen, I tried four other doctors with the same result, nobody would listen to my list.
Finally, in 2014, I found a new doctor who still cares about her patients, and she listened to me and my list.
They ordered an xray of my stomach, and accidentally found a compression fracture in one of my thoracic virtabra.
Then she ordered an MRI for my thoracic portion of my spine, and saw that there are actually 3 fractured virtabra in my spine.
All of those things on my list are all connected to the same thing, including the stomach problems.
Thanks to the doctors who refused to listen, nothing can be done to fix the nerve damage in my abdomen, and the compression fractures are so bad that it will take a major surgery to fix.
But being on Medicaid, they won't do anything about it until it's a life threatening issue.
So now, I get to live with all of the terrible pain for who knows how long.
Aren't doctors who won't listen to their patients awesome?
Doctors have destroyed my quality of life because they refused to listen to me, and a psychiatrist destroyed my mental health.
What does a person do now 🤔?
Why is He not letting me die so everything stops hurting?
I pray for the exact same thing every night, but I keep waking up anyway.
What did I do to piss God off in my past lives?
When there is no quality of life, you can't live and enjoy everything life has to offer you.
I can't do anything I used to enjoy so much, so what's the point 🤷?
I can't make it end because of my youngest son and what it would do to him 😪, but I can't keep going like this anymore.
I don't want to keep going like this, I want it to end.

But, I also want to be able to live again.