Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

I heard it from the senator’s legislative aide when I had a 35 minute conversation about how the bill will affect everyone, including disabled people. They mean it in a direct hit. I mean it in an indirect hit.
People with disabilities rely on a lot of community resources. I get a lot of services from a community mental health agency. Ultimately, they are going to have to cut costs and are figuring out how to do it with the least impact to those who will still have their insurance.
Two health agencies closed in the general area I lived in before being displaced.

My heart aches because at 38 years old I am torn by perspectives of my mom at my age and me at my nieces age- and the stark difference in reproductive rights and future opportunities.

How is it that my mom had more reproductive rights at my age than I do now? Or that my niece has less options for her future than I did at her age?

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MentalHealth #ChronicIllness

TW: selfharm and suicidal ideation

As I am preparing for my 3rd endometriosis surgery I feel stuck in so many places in my life. I don’t do therapy anymore cause I have no money to pay for it. I’m done with the medication. No more antidepressants for me. None of them help me. My Endometriosis is taking over every part of my life. My relationship is going really bad. I can’t work, the daily pain is sooo bad I can’t do anything. I’m thinking about cutting or ending it all because the pain, my mental health, my relationship and I feel like I’m rotting in bed and have no future.. I take so much supplements which kinda help but I wouldn’t be here without oxycodone unfortunately and I’m so tired It’s hard to get the right pain treatment after being called a medicine shopper and addict. Like I would ever take oxycodone for fun and have this much pain for fun or lie about it. The amount of gaslighting I’ve been through either medically or in relationships is too much too still be treated this way. They took my painkillers away and replaced them with paracetamol :/ I wanted to kill myself of the pain and the doctor said maybe you need to check yourself in the mental health ward. No b*tch I need to get meds for the pain. I tried everything. Now I’m afraid to take them or to ask something about my dose. Or even a new prescription. My ovary and uterus are fused together with my sigmoid/rectum and had cysts on them. Anyone else would’ve gone to the ER by now. #Endometriosis #CPTSD #medicalgaslighting #complextrauma #Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicPain

TW: selfharm and suicidal ideation

As I am preparing for my 3rd endometriosis surgery I feel stuck in so many places in my life. I don’t do therapy anymore cause I have no money to pay for it. I’m done with the medication. No more antidepressants for me. None of them help me. My Endometriosis is taking over every part of my life. My relationship is going really bad. I can’t work, the daily pain is sooo bad I can’t do anything. I’m thinking about cutting or ending it all because the pain, my mental health, my relationship and I feel like I’m rotting in bed and have no future.. I take so much supplements which kinda help but I wouldn’t be here without oxycodone unfortunately and I’m so tired It’s hard to get the right pain treatment after being called a medicine shopper and addict. Like I would ever take oxycodone for fun and have this much pain for fun or lie about it. The amount of gaslighting I’ve been through either medically or in relationships is too much too still be treated this way. They took my painkillers away and replaced them with paracetamol :/ I wanted to kill myself of the pain and the doctor said maybe you need to check yourself in the mental health ward. No b*tch I need to get meds for the pain. I tried everything. Now I’m afraid to take them or to ask something about my dose. Or even a new prescription. My ovary and uterus are fused together with my sigmoid/rectum and had cysts on them. Anyone else would’ve gone to the ER by now. #Endometriosis #CPTSD #medicalgaslighting #complextrauma #Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicPain

!!!TW!!! [Trigger Warning]: homicidal thoughts, animal abuse (!!childhood only and it was one incident!!), for pretty f*cked up things that happened in my childhood, and some that happen still. I'm sorry.

This will be a very long post, so feel free to skip it if you feel like it. I just don't know where else to post this anymore. Or how to go about getting help when nobody listens to me.

I don't know where to start. I feel like this life has never been worth living, despite not having it as bad as many other people currently. Thing is, I always manage to slip back into certain patterns and loops, and I'm tired. It diminishes the quality of my life greatly, and because of that I'd like to get help. But the problem is, it's so hidden that nobody considers it a problem. Not my close circle, or my SO, or even the psychologist I go to. Regardless, I feel like I have to explain my situation first. I think it all stems from my childhood, and my psychologist claims PTSD, so even though I don't believe it's only that, that's why I'm posting on this mental health platform.

My upbringing was mostly stressful. My parents were mostly absent, so my grandmother had to raise me. My grandma was always mean, moody, bossy and hot-headed. Since she was stuck with raising a child she didn't want to care for, she pretty much gave up on me. Refused to talk to me or appease my curiosity just as well as she failed to nourish my interests, beat me up whenever I'd refuse to eat something she'd made (because her cooking was god-awful and always had to contain raw meat which I despised back then (possibly why she felt she had to include it every time)). Constantly devalued, insulted my intelligence or even just doubted my ability to function. There were multiple attempts at gaslighting me about things I attributed to myself, some worked, some I saw through. Neglected me a lot emotionally while being hot and cold. Sometimes, she would do a 180, like when I'd start having major tooth pain and she would suddenly sympathize with me and genuinely feel for for me and make me sliced toast.

I think this was the basis for many things I feel (and don't feel) in my life currently. I detached from most of what I feel, never ever felt affective empathy in my life but pretended to, so she failed to instill that in me too I suppose. I always felt that my real self is dangerous to expose, so I created a false self instead, and now maintain it to the best of my ability. If it collapses externally, I collapse internally, cue another loop.

I do everything for short-term pleasure. I still do. It sucks because I can't maintain my connections because I just genuinely don't care about any of these people that walk into my life. I never truly bonded with anyone or liked them unconditionally and I struggle with expressing that to the outside world because I don't want to be found out.

It'll go great at first, like I'll be super charismatic because I'm amazing at talking to strangers because I'm never myself because I don't HAVE a self except the controversial one that would drive everyone away and so I hide it and everything looks good, but once that initial interaction with them becomes constant, I start thinking now that I have to be in character and it just kinda spoils them for me, so I ghost them.

If I can't ghost them and I still need to be in contact for whatever reason, and I'd witness the person does something that is a trigger to me - so whenever I'd perceive somebody think lowly of me, whether it'd be by underestimating me, taking me for granted, thinking I'm stupid, thinking they're better than me or more aware than me, misunderstanding me, misunderstanding the POINT of me or just plain not noticing me for a skill they'd normally notice in other people, I'd get these intense homicidal urges to just jump them because I'd start thinking that because they think that of me, they must be really self-absorbed (projection?) and because of that, "worthless" to me, and no longer deserved the time I attributed to the activity I was previously trying to make work with them. The same would happen if they started taking me for granted or just being arrogant for no reason, or they didn't and obviously still cared about me but in my head I perceived them to think of me as stupid.

Naturally I NEVER let anybody know about this, so nobody ever really suspected anything.

But it's still always a really miserable experience for me. I can't describe why it is, because I mostly don't feel anything during those times, so why should it be? But it's either an extremely good feeling in the form of a social high, or indifference, or this extremely unbearable feeling of indifference and alienation at the same time that more often that not makes me collapse and I have to excuse myself so nobody sees. Like I'll be socializing with them and suddenly I'll just feel alienated from them because they'll never understand me, they'll never see me in full authenticity, not because I oscillate between not wanting them to + exposing myself in full glory to get short-term satisfaction feelings (though that plays a part), but because they just have to BELIEVE that I'm this person my false self claims to be. They refuse to believe I could truly just not care about them unless they are beneficial to me in any way, they refuse to believe I could feel zero empathy because I always hide those things from them. It kills me inside because I want to be authentic with the world, but I can't because my authenticity would spell disaster for other people, on top of myself.

It also really doesn't help that I don't look threatening. I'm a woman, average height, with a ditzy persona. I have a sense of personal style which is quite eclectic, and all of this makes people open up to me naturally and in their mind we are great friends. When really it takes just one thing for me to go from indifference to despising them with all of my being to the point that I just want to strangle them for perceiving even once that they are thinking of me badly. But I still mask all of this, so like I stated multiple times in this post, nobody knows about this. End result, I come off completely unbothered and probably just like I have depression because I tend to cry really easily with anything (apathy, sadness, happiness, anger, jealousy, blinding rage....).

Or maybe they are just being ignorant of me because what do you mean I throw a family cat into the pool and nobody cares. Or my cousin into a nearby nettle field because I was jealous that her birthday was being celebrated unlike mine and although my folks are pissed, they don't take it as a sign that something is wrong (even though I was literally 8 years old at the time). Or I fully confess to the fact that I never felt empathy MULTIPLE TIMES, but just because I look like I do and I have a shit ton of cognitive empathy, everybody thinks I'm bluffing or delusional.

Fast forward to now and I just realize I genuinely despise most people I know. I'm extremely hyper aware about everything I do and it sucks, because I'm effectively a nobody in the end but nobody will ever know that, or even affirm that, because it looks different to the outside world. I'm selfish as fuck, but that's not me just being humble or depressed or anything, it's just genuine self-awareness. But I'll never get that confirmed. Not until I actually DO something that will warrant people to think I am the way I am. I don't want it to get to that point. I know exactly what kind of problem I have, but nobody wants to acknowledge that I do have it, and it's driving me insane. Please help me.

edit: grammar

#CPTSD #MentalHealth #Trauma #help #EmotionalNeglect #noempathy

!!!TW!!! [Trigger Warning]: homicidal thoughts, animal abuse (!!childhood only and it was one incident!!), for pretty f*cked up things that happened in my childhood, and some that happen still. I'm sorry.

This will be a very long post, so feel free to skip it if you feel like it. I just don't know where else to post this anymore. Or how to go about getting help when nobody listens to me.

I don't know where to start. I feel like this life has never been worth living, despite not having it as bad as many other people currently. Thing is, I always manage to slip back into certain patterns and loops, and I'm tired. It diminishes the quality of my life greatly, and because of that I'd like to get help. But the problem is, it's so hidden that nobody considers it a problem. Not my close circle, or my SO, or even the psychologist I go to. Regardless, I feel like I have to explain my situation first. I think it all stems from my childhood, and my psychologist claims PTSD, so even though I don't believe it's only that, that's why I'm posting on this mental health platform.

My upbringing was mostly stressful. My parents were mostly absent, so my grandmother had to raise me. My grandma was always mean, moody, bossy and hot-headed. Since she was stuck with raising a child she didn't want to care for, she pretty much gave up on me. Refused to talk to me or appease my curiosity just as well as she failed to nourish my interests, beat me up whenever I'd refuse to eat something she'd made (because her cooking was god-awful and always had to contain raw meat which I despised back then (possibly why she felt she had to include it every time)). Constantly devalued, insulted my intelligence or even just doubted my ability to function. There were multiple attempts at gaslighting me about things I attributed to myself, some worked, some I saw through. Neglected me a lot emotionally while being hot and cold. Sometimes, she would do a 180, like when I'd start having major tooth pain and she would suddenly sympathize with me and genuinely feel for for me and make me sliced toast.

I think this was the basis for many things I feel (and don't feel) in my life currently. I detached from most of what I feel, never ever felt affective empathy in my life but pretended to, so she failed to instill that in me too I suppose. I always felt that my real self is dangerous to expose, so I created a false self instead, and now maintain it to the best of my ability. If it collapses externally, I collapse internally, cue another loop.

I do everything for short-term pleasure. I still do. It sucks because I can't maintain my connections because I just genuinely don't care about any of these people that walk into my life. I never truly bonded with anyone or liked them unconditionally and I struggle with expressing that to the outside world because I don't want to be found out.

It'll go great at first, like I'll be super charismatic because I'm amazing at talking to strangers because I'm never myself because I don't HAVE a self except the controversial one that would drive everyone away and so I hide it and everything looks good, but once that initial interaction with them becomes constant, I start thinking now that I have to be in character and it just kinda spoils them for me, so I ghost them.

If I can't ghost them and I still need to be in contact for whatever reason, and I'd witness the person does something that is a trigger to me - so whenever I'd perceive somebody think lowly of me, whether it'd be by underestimating me, taking me for granted, thinking I'm stupid, thinking they're better than me or more aware than me, misunderstanding me, misunderstanding the POINT of me or just plain not noticing me for a skill they'd normally notice in other people, I'd get these intense homicidal urges to just jump them because I'd start thinking that because they think that of me, they must be really self-absorbed (projection?) and because of that, "worthless" to me, and no longer deserved the time I attributed to the activity I was previously trying to make work with them. The same would happen if they started taking me for granted or just being arrogant for no reason, or they didn't and obviously still cared about me but in my head I perceived them to think of me as stupid.

Naturally I NEVER let anybody know about this, so nobody ever really suspected anything.

But it's still always a really miserable experience for me. I can't describe why it is, because I mostly don't feel anything during those times, so why should it be? But it's either an extremely good feeling in the form of a social high, or indifference, or this extremely unbearable feeling of indifference and alienation at the same time that more often that not makes me collapse and I have to excuse myself so nobody sees. Like I'll be socializing with them and suddenly I'll just feel alienated from them because they'll never understand me, they'll never see me in full authenticity, not because I oscillate between not wanting them to + exposing myself in full glory to get short-term satisfaction feelings (though that plays a part), but because they just have to BELIEVE that I'm this person my false self claims to be. They refuse to believe I could truly just not care about them unless they are beneficial to me in any way, they refuse to believe I could feel zero empathy because I always hide those things from them. It kills me inside because I want to be authentic with the world, but I can't because my authenticity would spell disaster for other people, on top of myself.

It also really doesn't help that I don't look threatening. I'm a woman, average height, with a ditzy persona. I have a sense of personal style which is quite eclectic, and all of this makes people open up to me naturally and in their mind we are great friends. When really it takes just one thing for me to go from indifference to despising them with all of my being to the point that I just want to strangle them for perceiving even once that they are thinking of me badly. But I still mask all of this, so like I stated multiple times in this post, nobody knows about this. End result, I come off completely unbothered and probably just like I have depression because I tend to cry really easily with anything (apathy, sadness, happiness, anger, jealousy, blinding rage....).

Or maybe they are just being ignorant of me because what do you mean I throw a family cat into the pool and nobody cares. Or my cousin into a nearby nettle field because I was jealous that her birthday was being celebrated unlike mine and although my folks are pissed, they don't take it as a sign that something is wrong (even though I was literally 8 years old at the time). Or I fully confess to the fact that I never felt empathy MULTIPLE TIMES, but just because I look like I do and I have a shit ton of cognitive empathy, everybody thinks I'm bluffing or delusional.

Fast forward to now and I just realize I genuinely despise most people I know. I'm extremely hyper aware about everything I do and it sucks, because I'm effectively a nobody in the end but nobody will ever know that, or even affirm that, because it looks different to the outside world. I'm selfish as fuck, but that's not me just being humble or depressed or anything, it's just genuine self-awareness. But I'll never get that confirmed. Not until I actually DO something that will warrant people to think I am the way I am. I don't want it to get to that point. I know exactly what kind of problem I have, but nobody wants to acknowledge that I do have it, and it's driving me insane. Please help me.

edit: grammar

#CPTSD #MentalHealth #Trauma #help #EmotionalNeglect #noempathy

Hi, I'm bells_. I'm here because I believe I have been emotionally abused my whole life, but no one in my family wants to acknowledge it. I feel exhausted and alone and am stuck in a house where the people who hurt me act like nothing happened. Has anyone else gone through this?
#CPTSD #EmotionalAbuse #Childhoodtrauma #MightyTogether

Hi, I'm bells_. I'm here because I believe I have been emotionally abused my whole life, but no one in my family wants to acknowledge it. I feel exhausted and alone and am stuck in a house where the people who hurt me act like nothing happened. Has anyone else gone through this?
#CPTSD #EmotionalAbuse #Childhoodtrauma #MightyTogether

Hi Mom,

It’s me again. I tried calling a few times last week. I know I’m not allowed to call on Sundays because those are your days.

I just wanted to tell you how i really feel lately. When I do get you on the phone, you rush off because you are tired. I miss you. You are the only one who has known me for my whole life who still has any contact with me. I try to not annoy you, but you’re the last thing that ties me to my childhood.

I don’t know what I did to make it so I was the least favorite. You made comments everyone knew weren’t jokes about Anthony being the favorite. I tried really hard to make you proud. The worst I ever did was refuse to call your husband my stepfather. You tell me it’s because I believe in fairy tales and think step parents are evil. At 30 years old i pointed out that it was actually because he was abusive and has never treated me respectfully. I understand that it’s the story you tell yourself.

I don’t think you and I have the same measures of success. I worked really hard while going to college. I was the first of your children to graduate high school, college, and graduate school. I moved out at 19, the earliest of your children, proving I could be independent; even though you wouldn’t let me take driver’s ed like my other siblings. Someone else taught me to drive when I was 18 and I got my license. I worked full time while going to school, but you forget to mention that part when you talk about what your children have done, only mentioning Anthony working. I was the planner and organizer of the shared custody between you and dad when I was young. Dad bought me a pager so he wouldn’t have to call the house. Do you remember when we all had corded phones and voice mail boxes? And pay phones! I remember those from the mall. I would ask if you’d pick me up but sometimes you’d forget and fall asleep and I’d have to walk home late at night a few miles. It kind of scared me then. I was always so anxious. Did that make me problematic? You always called me a crybaby.

I wish we celebrated my birthday. I know we did a think with the extended family. But I wish we celebrated it as a family. I wish you didn’t give me a card saying you’re sorry but you’re going to bingo instead of spending the evening with us. We were left alone a lot. If Amber watched us- I knew I would be hurt- emotionally or physically. If she wasn’t, that meant I was in charge. The hardest part was trying to find food to eat. Sometimes you left us money so we could walk the several blocks to the Burger King or cross the busy intersection for breadsticks. Anthony got hit by a car when we crossed it. I was so scared. You were at work. I locked myself in the bathroom because I didn’t know what to do. I was still so young. Looking back at it now- I was too young for that responsibility. You got home from the hospital but I don’t remember us talking about it. We never really did talk.

There were years when I wanted to have a relationship with you and you never answered or called me back. When I lived somewhere else for 15 years, you only took the 3.5 hour road trip three times- when I graduated the first time from grad school, my wedding, and when I needed to move to a different apartment after the DV. It made me sad that even though you traveled for work, often through or by the city I lived in, I wasn’t worth the time because, again, you were tired.

You and Amber got close when she had kids. Those kids brought us all a little closer for a few years, until she started using them as pawns to control all of our behavior. I was the first to go no contact. My oldest niece, your granddaughter, is the second. If I had children like I wanted to before my health and stability was taken from me, would we be closer? Would that make you value me more?

I know you tried so hard, Mom. I recognize it and feel emotional every time I think about how you didn’t get the opportunities to pursue your dreams. I think about all of the things you lost. Instead you worked two jobs while trying to make ends meet. I never understood if the second job was to pay the bills or to pay for you to gamble, drink, and smoke. Either way- I understand. Life was hard. Life is hard.

I just wish we could talk sometimes. I tell you that you are my only connection to my past. But you’re tired. I am too. I am too. I want to tell you about my life but I know I only get a few minutes every couple of weeks or so, and you don’t want to hear much from me. But I’m struggling. It was really scary for a lot of years. I lost a lot of people, mom. People you still get to talk to. I wish you defended me when I was a child. And as an adult when I wasn’t there to defend myself.

When I was homeless, these feelings got really intense. I needed someone who I could talk to. I was so scared and hemorrhaging support. You didn’t like to hear about my circumstances. You didn’t want updates. You really never have wanted them. I don’t think I lived up to what you wanted for me. I’m not sure if you ever really had dreams for me.

I won’t ever say this to you. One time you asked me if you were a bad mom. I told you no. I wasn’t lying. I think you did your best. It still hurts, but that is life. You’re not supposed to be perfect. I still have a hard time seeing how my childhood connects to the symptoms I have now. I’m working on it in therapy though.

I miss you. And I love you. I tried really really really hard. I’m sorry if I failed. Maybe you’ll answer the phone next time I call you. I promise it won’t be on a Sunday.

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder