Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

I wanted to share something I experienced last night.

I had an emotional breakdown and released all emotions I had suppressed for a long while…

I prayed and gave everything I struggled with to Yahweh. This time aloud.

Somewhere along my prayer I realised that there was calm in my heart.

This calm extended to a feeling of total peace, being loved and safety. So intense that I can’t really put it into words. It was really beyond that. Like the total opposite of feeling overwhelmed by the pain of the world, if you get my meaning.

The last time I felt Yahwehs presence so intensely was when I was thirteen and eight.
So it’s been a while.

I must confess, in the last years I have been lukewarm.
I realised that and tried to get my fire back.
Anyways that experience rekindled the fire inside me and I just wanted to share it.

The knowledge that I’m not alone in this fight, that His presence is always there was so calming. At that time I felt ready to face anything.

And that’s something I want to achieve later in life. I struggle so much with my mental health. But someday I want to be someone who stands so firm in her faith and relationship with Yahweh that she isn‘t shaken by the things of the world.

This was quite personal but it really meant much to me so I wanted to share this.

#Christian #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD

I wanted to share something I experienced last night.

I had an emotional breakdown and released all emotions I had suppressed for a long while…

I prayed and gave everything I struggled with to Yahweh. This time aloud.

Somewhere along my prayer I realised that there was calm in my heart.

This calm extended to a feeling of total peace, being loved and safety. So intense that I can’t really put it into words. It was really beyond that. Like the total opposite of feeling overwhelmed by the pain of the world, if you get my meaning.

The last time I felt Yahwehs presence so intensely was when I was thirteen and eight.
So it’s been a while.

I must confess, in the last years I have been lukewarm.
I realised that and tried to get my fire back.
Anyways that experience rekindled the fire inside me and I just wanted to share it.

The knowledge that I’m not alone in this fight, that His presence is always there was so calming. At that time I felt ready to face anything.

And that’s something I want to achieve later in life. I struggle so much with my mental health. But someday I want to be someone who stands so firm in her faith and relationship with Yahweh that she isn‘t shaken by the things of the world.

This was quite personal but it really meant much to me so I wanted to share this.

#Christian #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD

#artastherapy #Music #Selfcare #CPTSD #Relationships #MentalHealth #MightyTogether

#artastherapy #Music #Selfcare #CPTSD #Relationships #MentalHealth #MightyTogether

This post is strange.
It’s a picture of a tree I really liked.
But what I actually want to talk about is the fight with my catatonic depression.

My depression has gotten better, outwardly at least. I still struggle on mornings and nights with hopelessness, anxiety and despair.

That’s when the catatonic episodes begin.
If I’m emotionally overwhelmed they come.
Normally I could feel it coming.
The way I was exhausted and didn’t want to move. Until my body got heavy, my limbs tingled and I couldn’t move anymore.

I‘m accustomed to this.

But now it’s different. And it’s scary.

Now I get trapped in my own thoughts so much that I don’t even realise that it has started.
I get lost in my thinking and I want to move but I can’t. I’m frozen in place. My body is heavy, my limbs are disconnected from my brain. I can’t move my fingers or toes. I just lay there.
If anyone where to move me (my mom once did and I hated it) my body would stay this way even when it was an uncomfortable pose to hold.
Not feeling my body wouldn’t be so bad.
But it starts to hurts. It’s like a burning, cramping sensation. And sometimes my limbs twitch and cramp but I still can’t move them.

Luckily it’s over after ten to thirty minutes.
Movement always comes back.
But it’s hard still…

It’s like my mind has gotten better but my body still hasn’t caught up.

I know most of you don’t struggle with it but I just needed to share this… It’s kinda difficult to live with…

P.S.: I got in contact with a mental health hospital, they asked specific questions and told me they would talk about it in a meeting, but they haven’t called back yet. I’m hopefully nonetheless. Even though I’m scared out of my mind…

#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Catatonia #CPTSD #PTSD

This post is strange.
It’s a picture of a tree I really liked.
But what I actually want to talk about is the fight with my catatonic depression.

My depression has gotten better, outwardly at least. I still struggle on mornings and nights with hopelessness, anxiety and despair.

That’s when the catatonic episodes begin.
If I’m emotionally overwhelmed they come.
Normally I could feel it coming.
The way I was exhausted and didn’t want to move. Until my body got heavy, my limbs tingled and I couldn’t move anymore.

I‘m accustomed to this.

But now it’s different. And it’s scary.

Now I get trapped in my own thoughts so much that I don’t even realise that it has started.
I get lost in my thinking and I want to move but I can’t. I’m frozen in place. My body is heavy, my limbs are disconnected from my brain. I can’t move my fingers or toes. I just lay there.
If anyone where to move me (my mom once did and I hated it) my body would stay this way even when it was an uncomfortable pose to hold.
Not feeling my body wouldn’t be so bad.
But it starts to hurts. It’s like a burning, cramping sensation. And sometimes my limbs twitch and cramp but I still can’t move them.

Luckily it’s over after ten to thirty minutes.
Movement always comes back.
But it’s hard still…

It’s like my mind has gotten better but my body still hasn’t caught up.

I know most of you don’t struggle with it but I just needed to share this… It’s kinda difficult to live with…

P.S.: I got in contact with a mental health hospital, they asked specific questions and told me they would talk about it in a meeting, but they haven’t called back yet. I’m hopefully nonetheless. Even though I’m scared out of my mind…

#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Catatonia #CPTSD #PTSD

“Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
….It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you.”
~~~~~~~
“A heart can break a thousand times
No hands can take what’s ours”
No hands can take what’s inside
~~~~~~~
“You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now…
This is the part of me that you’re never ever gonna take away from me…
Throw your sticks and your stones Throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
…You will never put me out again.”
~~~~~~~
“The same tricks that,
that once fooled me
They won't get you anywhere
I'm not the same kid from your memory
…Now I can fend for myself…
The friends who stuck together
We wrote our names in blood
But I guess you can't accept
that the change is good…
You treat me just like another stranger…
I guess I'll go
I best be on my way out”
~~~~~~~
“Would I be that monster,
scare them all away,
if I let them hear what I have to say…
I can’t keep quiet
for anyone,
not anymore…
They may see that monster
They may run away
But I have to do this…
I can’t keep quiet
A one woman riot”
~~~~~~~
“Never forget who you are”

(Various lyrics from several different songs)

#artastherapy #Lyrics #Music #CPTSD #Relationships #Trauma #EmotionalAbuse #Grief #Healing

“Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
….It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you.”
~~~~~~~
“A heart can break a thousand times
No hands can take what’s ours”
No hands can take what’s inside
~~~~~~~
“You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now…
This is the part of me that you’re never ever gonna take away from me…
Throw your sticks and your stones Throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
…You will never put me out again.”
~~~~~~~
“The same tricks that,
that once fooled me
They won't get you anywhere
I'm not the same kid from your memory
…Now I can fend for myself…
The friends who stuck together
We wrote our names in blood
But I guess you can't accept
that the change is good…
You treat me just like another stranger…
I guess I'll go
I best be on my way out”
~~~~~~~
“Would I be that monster,
scare them all away,
if I let them hear what I have to say…
I can’t keep quiet
for anyone,
not anymore…
They may see that monster
They may run away
But I have to do this…
I can’t keep quiet
A one woman riot”
~~~~~~~
“Never forget who you are”

(Various lyrics from several different songs)

#artastherapy #Lyrics #Music #CPTSD #Relationships #Trauma #EmotionalAbuse #Grief #Healing

Here I am
Sensitive, with a sense of confidence
I survived, made it through the worst of it
Can't heal unless it hurts a bit

Here I go
Day by day, the world it gets more colorful
Learnin' that the broken road is beautiful
The more I learn to let you go
The more I see the

Wild parts I never met
The way that I built you up in my head
And you weren't easy to love, just hard to forget
But I'm gettin' close, now I know

The bеst part of losin' you
Was findin' I could make it through
When you left mе on the dark side of the moon
The best part, best part
Is even though a heart can break
I'm startin' over, that's ok
Found a side of me I never even knew
That's the best part of losin' you…

Here I am
This is what it feels like to begin again
Bittersweet, but better off, I take it in
Forgive it all, but don't forget
Don't forget the

Wild parts I never met
The way that I built you up in my head
And you weren't easy to love, just hard to forget
But I'm gettin' through, now I know

The best part of losin' you
Was findin' I could make it through
When you left me on the dark side of the moon
The best part, best part is
Even though a heart can break
I'm startin' over, that's ok
Found a side of me I never even knew
That's the best part of losin' you…

You were a wildfire
You burned it all away
I might have lost myself, but I
Found flowers in your place

The best part of losin' you
Was findin' I can make it through
When you left me on the dark side of the moon
Oh, the best part, best part is
Even though a heart can break
I'm startin' over, that's ok
Found a side of me I never even knew
That's the best part of losin' you
…

#artastherapy #Music #Lyrics #Relationships #Trauma #EmotionalAbuse #CPTSD #Grief

Here I am
Sensitive, with a sense of confidence
I survived, made it through the worst of it
Can't heal unless it hurts a bit

Here I go
Day by day, the world it gets more colorful
Learnin' that the broken road is beautiful
The more I learn to let you go
The more I see the

Wild parts I never met
The way that I built you up in my head
And you weren't easy to love, just hard to forget
But I'm gettin' close, now I know

The bеst part of losin' you
Was findin' I could make it through
When you left mе on the dark side of the moon
The best part, best part
Is even though a heart can break
I'm startin' over, that's ok
Found a side of me I never even knew
That's the best part of losin' you…

Here I am
This is what it feels like to begin again
Bittersweet, but better off, I take it in
Forgive it all, but don't forget
Don't forget the

Wild parts I never met
The way that I built you up in my head
And you weren't easy to love, just hard to forget
But I'm gettin' through, now I know

The best part of losin' you
Was findin' I could make it through
When you left me on the dark side of the moon
The best part, best part is
Even though a heart can break
I'm startin' over, that's ok
Found a side of me I never even knew
That's the best part of losin' you…

You were a wildfire
You burned it all away
I might have lost myself, but I
Found flowers in your place

The best part of losin' you
Was findin' I can make it through
When you left me on the dark side of the moon
Oh, the best part, best part is
Even though a heart can break
I'm startin' over, that's ok
Found a side of me I never even knew
That's the best part of losin' you
…

#artastherapy #Music #Lyrics #Relationships #Trauma #EmotionalAbuse #CPTSD #Grief