Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

My body doesn't absorb medications properly so I no longer am a walking pharmacy.I am to the point of wanting to numb all of it now.Mentally, Im saying.There are two meds that cross my blood barrier and clock me out, completely.This last three days, hurt me, physically, from seeing the truth,again.My face looks like a peel went wrong, my chest is hot,heart hurts and now Im having nightmares again.so that one medication is the thing that will erase this past three years and what they've,people not meds, have done to me.
I have zero, value, to them, because I need communication and affection.All it comes down to.I had expectations and I am too emotional.To paint a picture to all, that I wasn't sick, that I, am ungrateful, is the biggest lie, and hurtful, more than they will ever understand and honestly, now, I do not believe any of them, are capable of grasping that. What has been done is wrong.in no comparison, to any private matter.it was wrong.Any one involved, should have to answer, as I have, had to endure, so shall others.And that isn't within my control, thats their delusion, not mine.I own my desperation.Others use people to fight their own battles and then cry victim.im ashamed for them.A woman, deserves to be treated with care and respect.
Not with your ego and your boy gang tactics to intimidate or ruin her reputation, for sport, because she tells the truth.
Now, Im ready to get medicated to forget what their version of support and care means.Strangers would give more compassion and care.But if Im dosed and numb, they can keep being them and I wont feel a thing.Just like 1960s, how they'd like it.Look at that, Karen, Im vintage afterall, just like you.
They will be happy, free of guilt and say Im, crazy still, but medicated and dedicated.That way, nothing needs to be informed, run by me or involved.I will have zero expectations and zero interest. No different than before. But then it also means, my own care, will, need care.
And I can't trust them, to do that.So, I just made my decision.Its sad that All the women, in my husband's life, never tried to help me.They never called me, stopped or questioned about long term care.I guess because they were told it wasn't needed. They can experience the same now.I am not wrong for concerning myself with the things in my world, for wanting a say, for expecting improvement. It's called growth and as long as I stay here, it's never going to happen.I feel less trust, faith and hope now, than ever before.And thats the truth.I am punished for telling the truth, always have been.That makes me an arshole and I am alone because of it.I would do anything to be a room, with all of them and Him, to listen, absorb and take, all their insults, accusations and mockery, all for him.I would love to hear his version of our life.I can guarantee, it is the furthest from the truth.I "served" this man for half my adult life, by choice.Let him, anything.so yes, Im mad, regretting all now and no longer need to be purposely pushed out.im out.Hard meds or truth, those are, the options now.Since none of His, most loyal will have principles and the women in his life, have no self respect, I have to pay with the denial, they've created.But he's upset about the $$ and ego.Not my heath, my heart or mind.He never should have gotten married then and thats the sad fact.But we don't deal in facts.All smoke and mirrors here.

My body doesn't absorb medications properly so I no longer am a walking pharmacy.I am to the point of wanting to numb all of it now.Mentally, Im saying.There are two meds that cross my blood barrier and clock me out, completely.This last three days, hurt me, physically, from seeing the truth,again.My face looks like a peel went wrong, my chest is hot,heart hurts and now Im having nightmares again.so that one medication is the thing that will erase this past three years and what they've,people not meds, have done to me.
I have zero, value, to them, because I need communication and affection.All it comes down to.I had expectations and I am too emotional.To paint a picture to all, that I wasn't sick, that I, am ungrateful, is the biggest lie, and hurtful, more than they will ever understand and honestly, now, I do not believe any of them, are capable of grasping that. What has been done is wrong.in no comparison, to any private matter.it was wrong.Any one involved, should have to answer, as I have, had to endure, so shall others.And that isn't within my control, thats their delusion, not mine.I own my desperation.Others use people to fight their own battles and then cry victim.im ashamed for them.A woman, deserves to be treated with care and respect.
Not with your ego and your boy gang tactics to intimidate or ruin her reputation, for sport, because she tells the truth.
Now, Im ready to get medicated to forget what their version of support and care means.Strangers would give more compassion and care.But if Im dosed and numb, they can keep being them and I wont feel a thing.Just like 1960s, how they'd like it.Look at that, Karen, Im vintage afterall, just like you.
They will be happy, free of guilt and say Im, crazy still, but medicated and dedicated.That way, nothing needs to be informed, run by me or involved.I will have zero expectations and zero interest. No different than before. But then it also means, my own care, will, need care.
And I can't trust them, to do that.So, I just made my decision.Its sad that All the women, in my husband's life, never tried to help me.They never called me, stopped or questioned about long term care.I guess because they were told it wasn't needed. They can experience the same now.I am not wrong for concerning myself with the things in my world, for wanting a say, for expecting improvement. It's called growth and as long as I stay here, it's never going to happen.I feel less trust, faith and hope now, than ever before.And thats the truth.I am punished for telling the truth, always have been.That makes me an arshole and I am alone because of it.I would do anything to be a room, with all of them and Him, to listen, absorb and take, all their insults, accusations and mockery, all for him.I would love to hear his version of our life.I can guarantee, it is the furthest from the truth.I "served" this man for half my adult life, by choice.Let him, anything.so yes, Im mad, regretting all now and no longer need to be purposely pushed out.im out.Hard meds or truth, those are, the options now.Since none of His, most loyal will have principles and the women in his life, have no self respect, I have to pay with the denial, they've created.But he's upset about the $$ and ego.Not my heath, my heart or mind.He never should have gotten married then and thats the sad fact.But we don't deal in facts.All smoke and mirrors here.

I have felt double triggered for the last few days and my mind/body is in spin mode.
I recently realized that my narcissistic mother never loved me. It wasn’t a surprise. Looking back, everything makes sense.

I’m in my 60’s and she died about 5 years ago at age 91. I tried to cut contact a couple of years prior but I never could fully do it. She was very sharp, no sign of Alzheimer’s, nor did she have any real physical issues other than not being able to hear well, so she didn’t need care. But she often faked issues for attention.

The last time I went to attend to her, she actually was sick. I took her to the hospital. She was there for a couple of days getting hydrated, then stayed with my younger brother for her last 2 weeks. Literally up to a couple of days before she died, she was still trying to manipulate me.

Anyway, I started to heal after that. Like I said, I have only recently had the full realization that she never loved me. Even though I mentally understand, I am still triggered and my body is in anxiety mode.

My second trigger is way more intense for me. It’s everything going on in the Epstein files and what was done to the children. I will not go into that further out of caution to not trigger anyone else. Suffice it to say that my mind is constantly racing, my body is activated and I am having a really hard time.

I can’t read (which I normally love), can’t do anything right now. My system is just all out of wack and literally trembling off and on.
I have set up an appt with my therapist but it isn’t until March 6.

I am posting here because I know it’s a safe space and just needed to share with kind people. Thank you for reading this. I appreciate you all.

I have felt double triggered for the last few days and my mind/body is in spin mode.
I recently realized that my narcissistic mother never loved me. It wasn’t a surprise. Looking back, everything makes sense.

I’m in my 60’s and she died about 5 years ago at age 91. I tried to cut contact a couple of years prior but I never could fully do it. She was very sharp, no sign of Alzheimer’s, nor did she have any real physical issues other than not being able to hear well, so she didn’t need care. But she often faked issues for attention.

The last time I went to attend to her, she actually was sick. I took her to the hospital. She was there for a couple of days getting hydrated, then stayed with my younger brother for her last 2 weeks. Literally up to a couple of days before she died, she was still trying to manipulate me.

Anyway, I started to heal after that. Like I said, I have only recently had the full realization that she never loved me. Even though I mentally understand, I am still triggered and my body is in anxiety mode.

My second trigger is way more intense for me. It’s everything going on in the Epstein files and what was done to the children. I will not go into that further out of caution to not trigger anyone else. Suffice it to say that my mind is constantly racing, my body is activated and I am having a really hard time.

I can’t read (which I normally love), can’t do anything right now. My system is just all out of wack and literally trembling off and on.
I have set up an appt with my therapist but it isn’t until March 6.

I am posting here because I know it’s a safe space and just needed to share with kind people. Thank you for reading this. I appreciate you all.

Nothing has improved or been acknowledged.I am grateful for having known better and seeing the patterns early.to bad they are the delusional ones, believing I had no clue.I am not complacent when,,I have been asking, begging for it to STOP, the entire time.Because I'm aware of your games, I'm wrong? No, doesn't work like that. I would forgive them if they were forthcoming but they are not.I will be finding ways to protect myself.I no longer feel safe, secure or appreciated, in any capacity now. I have been showed by all involved, let go or be dragged, I have no right to expect any help, initiating home repairs are a no go, anything I say, is over, now.But at the same time, no final plans, no commitments or future endeavors, are fantasy and fake.I will forever be in a stalemate as long as I stay.That is, the message I have been shown for the last two years.The longer I stay, the biggest the health, financial and emotional cost? That's what I'm being told.Makes no sense and not to or by my rules.I can have a good life living here.I do not need to answer to "his" life anymore.He can do it alone.
He can, have all of it, for himself.
I will be here, I will have my say for myself, if he can't include me....It is that simple.im included or I am not, easy.Including me casually, when it works in his favor.no I'm over that.it is in or out, in or over.

Nothing has improved or been acknowledged.I am grateful for having known better and seeing the patterns early.to bad they are the delusional ones, believing I had no clue.I am not complacent when,,I have been asking, begging for it to STOP, the entire time.Because I'm aware of your games, I'm wrong? No, doesn't work like that. I would forgive them if they were forthcoming but they are not.I will be finding ways to protect myself.I no longer feel safe, secure or appreciated, in any capacity now. I have been showed by all involved, let go or be dragged, I have no right to expect any help, initiating home repairs are a no go, anything I say, is over, now.But at the same time, no final plans, no commitments or future endeavors, are fantasy and fake.I will forever be in a stalemate as long as I stay.That is, the message I have been shown for the last two years.The longer I stay, the biggest the health, financial and emotional cost? That's what I'm being told.Makes no sense and not to or by my rules.I can have a good life living here.I do not need to answer to "his" life anymore.He can do it alone.
He can, have all of it, for himself.
I will be here, I will have my say for myself, if he can't include me....It is that simple.im included or I am not, easy.Including me casually, when it works in his favor.no I'm over that.it is in or out, in or over.