Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

Hi

I am 45 years old, I like to read, and trying out all things in the arts and crafts area.

I live DID and C-PTSD as a result of highly organised and transgenerational severe abuse throughout childhood and adolesence.

Also diabetes 1 since I was a kid, fibromyalgia for as long as I can remember but diagnosed when I was 35, osteoarthritis in knees and hips diagnosed at the same time, and a few years after I developed psoriatic arthritis (no, that did not make either the diagnosis or the symptoms of fibro go away, and you're not the first to ask as this can just be confusing)

So I am used to living with fatigue, pain, nausea, thd fun package of 'self-regulation' that comes with diabetes type 1. And chaos, hypervigilence, etcetera in the mental department. I've long made my peace with that and try to make tomorrow a little better by coping well today (and then there's those days...)

But last Autumn I got a covid-19 infection and developed post covid/long corona. I have been told by thd medics that my autonomous nerve system has been affected by the virus during the acute infection state. That leads to different symptoms for everyone, fatigue being the most prevalent.

In my case the symptoms are that mild exercise or stress can cause severe illness that may last from hours to days (pem), palpitations when I stand for more than 10 seconds (oi/pots, shortness of breath, nausea and digestive problems, muscle tension and spasms, problems expressing myself, problems with concentration, coordination, memory, focus, language processing and reading. And of course the fatigue which is FAR worse than I am used to.

I feel powerless and lost.

I hope to find some peers here who know what I'm going through.

#Diabetes #Fibromyalgia #PsoriaticArthritis #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #DID #PTSD #PTS #CPTSD #postcovid #long_corona #Fatigue #PEM #post_exertational_malaise #POTS #BrainInjury #pais #post_acute_infection_syndromes

Hi

I am 45 years old, I like to read, and trying out all things in the arts and crafts area.

I live DID and C-PTSD as a result of highly organised and transgenerational severe abuse throughout childhood and adolesence.

Also diabetes 1 since I was a kid, fibromyalgia for as long as I can remember but diagnosed when I was 35, osteoarthritis in knees and hips diagnosed at the same time, and a few years after I developed psoriatic arthritis (no, that did not make either the diagnosis or the symptoms of fibro go away, and you're not the first to ask as this can just be confusing)

So I am used to living with fatigue, pain, nausea, thd fun package of 'self-regulation' that comes with diabetes type 1. And chaos, hypervigilence, etcetera in the mental department. I've long made my peace with that and try to make tomorrow a little better by coping well today (and then there's those days...)

But last Autumn I got a covid-19 infection and developed post covid/long corona. I have been told by thd medics that my autonomous nerve system has been affected by the virus during the acute infection state. That leads to different symptoms for everyone, fatigue being the most prevalent.

In my case the symptoms are that mild exercise or stress can cause severe illness that may last from hours to days (pem), palpitations when I stand for more than 10 seconds (oi/pots, shortness of breath, nausea and digestive problems, muscle tension and spasms, problems expressing myself, problems with concentration, coordination, memory, focus, language processing and reading. And of course the fatigue which is FAR worse than I am used to.

I feel powerless and lost.

I hope to find some peers here who know what I'm going through.

#Diabetes #Fibromyalgia #PsoriaticArthritis #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #DID #PTSD #PTS #CPTSD #postcovid #long_corona #Fatigue #PEM #post_exertational_malaise #POTS #BrainInjury #pais #post_acute_infection_syndromes

Most of my fear is coming from what is happening in the world. Things that I have talked about and many things I have not.

Sometimes comments can really feel dismissive. Most of the time they are really supportive.

If I were to talk about the panic that is setting in without discussing why, or if I intentionally cut out the “politics” of it- I don’t think I would have the dismissive comments. Because what I am panicking about is tied to politics, it seems like some people are quick to dismiss my fears because they don’t believe the information I state.

It’s hard because as a community, I have always felt we support each other. And most of the time- we do. We have a lot of differences. We share a lot of similarities. But if someone is talking about something they are struggling with, commments are usually encouraging and validating rather than saying “that’s not going to happpen.” It makes it feel like more work to post and filter out comments when I really need support.

So instead I have been holding it in more.

I thought this was a safe place to talk, and maybe I am just having a moment. But my posts where I actually talk about what I am afraid of, things that are validated in therapy and based on what is happening, are almost becoming triggers. I do not comment on other people’s posts to dismiss their concerns and say it will all be fine. So instead I feel like I have to put some shiny paint over my posts or not post at all. Because what I’m really afraid of, what is driving many of my symptoms, is what is being proposed in the government.

Politics and religion- two things you don’t talk about- right? But when politics are putting your health in danger- do you just shut up because people don’t believe what is happening? I don’t comment on other people’s posts about religion and argue with them about whether or not I believe what they believe.

But I am still scared. And I am angry. I am angry this is happening. I am angry that talking about this is causing me more pain. I am angry that people have dismissed my fears in the past rather than listening to me. It feels like a repeat of the conversations I had right before I became homeless. “It won’t happen.” Right now- I have health insurance. I am disabled. I am “protected.” “It won’t happen.”

I’m trying to decide what I want to do with these feelings. I can’t tie a bow on this anymore. And every time I get triggered by something like this, it feels like I shouldn’t come back for awhile because it is embarrassing. It is frustrating not actually be able to talk about what I am feeling on a place that has been safe until I opened my mouth about health insurance and disability and the US government.

It’s just feeling a lot harder lately.

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PanicDisorder #CheckInWithMe

Something I talk about a lot is how much I am given as a U.S. citizen on SSI. This is relevant because it has put me in situations that caused me more trauma (homelessness, food insecurity, and very few resources and options to get and stay well). I receive $970 a month and I used to get $75 a month for food assistance- less than one dollar per meal, per day. Not enough to survive on, and definitely not enough where I had any room for spending any extra money- I have been afraid to drop my food because it would mean i wouldnt have anything to replace it with, unless I cut into the next day’s food). When I was living alone it was not possible to afford my life- even the basic necessities. The options for assistance never panned out for me due to a number of factors (where I live, there is a large population of people with substance use disorder where resources are funneled to bc of the need; since I do not have that, or children, I was rarely accepted for things that most people would think i qualified for even though I am disabled- I still continue to get denied for services I need today because I still don’t have those factors).

The other side of the coin is I have an Ed.S., spent 7 years in college, and have a student loan debt. I was the first in my immediate family to graduate from high school, college, and attend and graduate from grad school. Something that used to be seen as an accolade but not so much because it seems not to “count” now that I am disabled. My family repeats the lines of “if you take out the loans you have to pay them back.” Which of course I planned to. I also don’t really understand why this mentality exists when many people in my generation/SES were told if we don’t go to college we won’t get out of poverty, did not understand financial literacy, and these decisions were made to feel urgent in our late teens and early twenties. And also- how are we supposed to predict our lives? This isn’t a car loan. Some can be more like a home loan- especially with the interest rates charged and how they get moved around.

Anyways, I recently found out that my student loans can actually be forgiven because of how long I have been disabled. I will be submitting my application as soon as possible (60 months from my disability date- even though I was disabled before this- I had to take out my retirement and spend it down first). I was able to speak with someone today about it and I feel very relieved.

I know this is a somewhat unique intersection (both as a US citizen who had to take out loans for college, and being disabled under SSI where the rules are extremely restrictive), but I wanted to share it with anyone else who may also share that intersection.

#PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Disability #ChronicIllness #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ADHD

Learning to thrive doesn’t mean we never struggle again. Recovery is a lifelong road; it doesn’t mean we’re done. It just means we’re learning how to grow with and around everything that happens to us, good and bad, and travel well with it.

We keep coming round the corkscrew of recovery, circling up the spiral of growth. It’s not only about the approach, but in looking back to see how we’re doing it differently. To see how much better we’re managing everything, even when it feels we’ve backslid.

Living; surviving; recovering; thriving; and there’s still another step to go in that continuum. I don’t know what Excelling While Multiple will look like, but you can be sure once I do, we’ll be writing all about it.

#DissociativeIdentityDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MentalHealth