Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

Last week Wednesday, I went into psychotic depression. I had so much anxiety about my mom being in the hospital. That same week I had a nightmare about my son that added icing on the cake. My son is 23 and I could literally see 3 years old little Andrew(my sons name) sitting on my carpet playing with his cars. My therapist of course didn’t see him or hear him. I saw black shadows on my wall and one off them got really big. I wanted to walk around my neighborhood usually walking helps my depression. By the lake I saw a sign that said “Drown your psychosis “ that would mean I would have to jump in the lake but I didn’t. My walk didn’t help so I laid in bed most of the time. My therapist and I had two sessions a week and finally I called my psych NP and she gave me 2 weeks worth of 15mg of Zyprexa. I take the last pill this Wednesday the same day I see her via zoom. So far I feel better but some paranoia is still here.

When you give the ones you love, the benefit of the doubt, everytime, giving them the out, a white flag, after they betray you, and they dont take it. Thats your answer. Do not beg and do not spend years trying. They do not want repair, if communicationis nonexistent. https://Everytime.If you are the only one initiating the repairs, https://stop.The lack of discussions and communication about problems are crippling and the mistakes are https://mistakes.Its all a mess from lie after lie, to https://me.l
Do I give up on my kid? Uh,no!Never.
Is he sick? Is he on hard drugs or something?Or is the motivation only $$$ and a future without me? I dont see how and to continue pushing me far away again, confirms, all of it.
Why would he do this to me?Why are people hurting them like this, having them do these things to me? Using a person, whos already struggling and lying about it, to cover up something more heinous? For what? A https://house.A peice of something he will never work for? What everyone accused me of, even though I did work my ass off, for https://years.Im sad and sorry, for all the hurtful things I have said, the anger, the the lies they feel I deserve, upon my https://name.I thought it was protection.it was not, it was to harm, isolate and save eachother, not US as a family. I wanted me and Will, now thats impossible for https://me.I am alone. To purposely, harm me,in a way, that would push me over the https://edge.Theyve spent, three, years, doing https://it.Something is not adding up, still.

When you give the ones you love, the benefit of the doubt, everytime, giving them the out, a white flag, after they betray you, and they dont take it. Thats your answer. Do not beg and do not spend years trying. They do not want repair, if communicationis nonexistent. https://Everytime.If you are the only one initiating the repairs, https://stop.The lack of discussions and communication about problems are crippling and the mistakes are https://mistakes.Its all a mess from lie after lie, to https://me.l
Do I give up on my kid? Uh,no!Never.
Is he sick? Is he on hard drugs or something?Or is the motivation only $$$ and a future without me? I dont see how and to continue pushing me far away again, confirms, all of it.
Why would he do this to me?Why are people hurting them like this, having them do these things to me? Using a person, whos already struggling and lying about it, to cover up something more heinous? For what? A https://house.A peice of something he will never work for? What everyone accused me of, even though I did work my ass off, for https://years.Im sad and sorry, for all the hurtful things I have said, the anger, the the lies they feel I deserve, upon my https://name.I thought it was protection.it was not, it was to harm, isolate and save eachother, not US as a family. I wanted me and Will, now thats impossible for https://me.I am alone. To purposely, harm me,in a way, that would push me over the https://edge.Theyve spent, three, years, doing https://it.Something is not adding up, still.

Must be difficult living a lie, day in, day https://out.Chasing the stories and narratives you fabricated for years and with dozens of people...Telling people how difficult it is, to be with me, as an excuse for all the problems in the house, in your life and the reason why nothing is https://resolved.Im the reason? Ok.
After years in therapy, I know now, it is me.I, am the problem and now,my anger towards this frail image ego, you and your mother, https://built.I no longer will cater to the lies you have told people through your family and friends.
I didn't build it. I was home here,fighting my best, alone.

Telling people, Im out of it, having a bad day, on drugs, incapable and https://violent.When the emotional abuse from you and yours has been going on for years.Years.
I will heal, https://alone.I will be https://alone.I am alone and have been for years now in this home. I am tired of these two believing, a body is presence and bills paid is enough for a woman in the https://home.A provider doesn't only pay the https://bills.A provider, leads, gives grace, teaches,has patterns that are consistently growing forward, not stagnant and cruel. I will take all the blame, the fall and the hit, as https://usual.Thats what I do, for https://them.They can find a passive, mouse dumb good girl to dote,a yes girl,she can excuse and enable their aweful ways, all day. Call a woman names, belittle and talk to her like shes https://stupid.Mock her, go ahead.
A maid can clean theirs and make them eat, go to the Dr and still, take care of life, outside their one job. They do no wrong, the Boys, they, have never apologized, ignore the concerns and they, want to be left https://alone.That is my answer to all issues now, let it lie, sweep it away, ignore it, she'll shut up.

Must be difficult living a lie, day in, day https://out.Chasing the stories and narratives you fabricated for years and with dozens of people...Telling people how difficult it is, to be with me, as an excuse for all the problems in the house, in your life and the reason why nothing is https://resolved.Im the reason? Ok.
After years in therapy, I know now, it is me.I, am the problem and now,my anger towards this frail image ego, you and your mother, https://built.I no longer will cater to the lies you have told people through your family and friends.
I didn't build it. I was home here,fighting my best, alone.

Telling people, Im out of it, having a bad day, on drugs, incapable and https://violent.When the emotional abuse from you and yours has been going on for years.Years.
I will heal, https://alone.I will be https://alone.I am alone and have been for years now in this home. I am tired of these two believing, a body is presence and bills paid is enough for a woman in the https://home.A provider doesn't only pay the https://bills.A provider, leads, gives grace, teaches,has patterns that are consistently growing forward, not stagnant and cruel. I will take all the blame, the fall and the hit, as https://usual.Thats what I do, for https://them.They can find a passive, mouse dumb good girl to dote,a yes girl,she can excuse and enable their aweful ways, all day. Call a woman names, belittle and talk to her like shes https://stupid.Mock her, go ahead.
A maid can clean theirs and make them eat, go to the Dr and still, take care of life, outside their one job. They do no wrong, the Boys, they, have never apologized, ignore the concerns and they, want to be left https://alone.That is my answer to all issues now, let it lie, sweep it away, ignore it, she'll shut up.

I understand my reactions, for the past year have https://escalated.I know why, how, who and recently, too much to process.Cruel, mean and sadistic beyond my mother's https://doings.My Son, mocked, belittled and has stolen my https://identity.I am frozen with https://fear.He wants to hurt me, bad, both of them https://do.I get it,they think I can go back to the maid, the cook, the driver, fun moments, https://only.People have said very aweful hurtful things to him against https://me.There is Never commitments or communication, no standard, no interaction and nothing to build together as a family.it was set up this way, to teach me a lesson.it backfired.
I would like to know, when, what moment, was I not, valued here?After what part of recovery.
Prior to my settlement because the wheels were just getting https://greased.And no one believed me then, from his https://world.All his and his mothers, friends and cousins impression, implications and gossip from outsiders and research behind her laptop." Shes having a bad day"And the people they brought back into my life that hurt my https://son.If you Abandon him, like all the rest, he will only get https://worse.He hurts and he makes poor choices and then he blames https://me.Its all my https://fault.My fault there's nothing, not this or didn'ttell https://him.Anything outside his schedule, is an https://inconvenience.I have patience but not when they create the chaos, and onto to others he's been https://told.Hes been hearing all against me his entire https://life.Hes my kid, they treated him the same way.
I want him and me out or Brian out. Or, All three https://separate.If he wants to stay with him, thats on them.one or the https://other.But they, want me out.im the odd one https://out.I will take time, put holds on all creditors, cards and make my lists of https://names.Why would he?

I understand my reactions, for the past year have https://escalated.I know why, how, who and recently, too much to process.Cruel, mean and sadistic beyond my mother's https://doings.My Son, mocked, belittled and has stolen my https://identity.I am frozen with https://fear.He wants to hurt me, bad, both of them https://do.I get it,they think I can go back to the maid, the cook, the driver, fun moments, https://only.People have said very aweful hurtful things to him against https://me.There is Never commitments or communication, no standard, no interaction and nothing to build together as a family.it was set up this way, to teach me a lesson.it backfired.
I would like to know, when, what moment, was I not, valued here?After what part of recovery.
Prior to my settlement because the wheels were just getting https://greased.And no one believed me then, from his https://world.All his and his mothers, friends and cousins impression, implications and gossip from outsiders and research behind her laptop." Shes having a bad day"And the people they brought back into my life that hurt my https://son.If you Abandon him, like all the rest, he will only get https://worse.He hurts and he makes poor choices and then he blames https://me.Its all my https://fault.My fault there's nothing, not this or didn'ttell https://him.Anything outside his schedule, is an https://inconvenience.I have patience but not when they create the chaos, and onto to others he's been https://told.Hes been hearing all against me his entire https://life.Hes my kid, they treated him the same way.
I want him and me out or Brian out. Or, All three https://separate.If he wants to stay with him, thats on them.one or the https://other.But they, want me out.im the odd one https://out.I will take time, put holds on all creditors, cards and make my lists of https://names.Why would he?