Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

Hi, my name is hcathy1967. I'm here because

#MightyTogether #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

For the last few days, I feel like I'm in survival mode and just overall not feeling great. I wake up with anxiety and I'm just full of resentment, sadness, and anger over the things I have experienced at home. Things may be getting bad again for me. Trauma seems to always be in front of me and it feels like a mountain that I can't see the top of. It's exhausting. I hate everything right now. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma

I decided to get back to Journaling yesterday and I forgot about how much I actually put on paper. I could spend hours Journaling. But I did look back at the old entries that I had from the past couple of years and noticed that everything I had written about my family has not changed. The cycle has kept going to this day. Anxiety has been the big factor in my writing again. I've got other outlets like drawing and reading, but writing helps because eventually I'm able to piece things together later on. In this process, I'm constantly confronted with my ideas of trying to address my traumatic experiences. I liken it to trying to climb a mountain that I can't reach or see the top of. The terrain changes often, the weather is weird, and I'm not wearing the appropriate shoes. It's lonesome for me because I don't really have anyone that I feel safe with to express myself to. I've felt unsafe all of my life, and all the while, I'm trying to figure out who I am in the process. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma

I am not doing well. My anxiety has been ramped up, my panic attacks have been pretty bad lately.

The cost of living is becoming really burdensome. I have already felt like I am a burden because I cannot work and only have an income less than $1,000 a month from SSI. I’m 39 years old and want nothing more than to manage my conditions and return to work in some capacity.

I have been trying to do a few different approaches for trauma therapy and my trauma therapist is amazing. Unfortunately she doesn’t work within the insurance system. We were able to afford the private therapy for awhile but now we cannot. I have luckily been able to get a grant to cover the last several months, but that will run out soon.

I am going to have to stop or significantly reduce my trauma therapy. I don’t know how I am going to be able to work through my trauma, but I’m just going to have to.

My bf asked to borrow some money from his mom and she lectured him about how I need to work or move in with my mom (and if you saw my more recent post about my mom- we all know that is not an option). He has never borrowed money from her before, and we have told her in great detail my health problems. I had a feeling she wasn’t listening because she never really acknowledged what I said, and would just make a comment about something else.

I cannot tell you how infuriating it is to be seen as an object that can just be moved so me and my disability are someone else’s problem. Obviously and thankfully, my bf is not going to stand for that. But the hurt is still there because people don’t see my worth and haven’t seen I became disabled. The stigma is really bad for people with disabilities and it’s honestly getting so much worse.

The idea that I should just move somewhere else is a common refrain I have heard since being disabled. My friends and their families kept deciding what was an option for me and often would just tell me to move somewhere else, which would not fix my problem at all. It’s hurtful, so hurtful, that this is coming up again. I am so tired of not feeling like a person because I have chronic conditions. I’m tired of the way people have treated me. I’m so upset that this is coming up again.

Before I became disabled, I was respected by my friends and family. I have no idea how my value seemingly did a 180 because of my disability status. And honestly- if health insurance wasn’t as big of a deal here as it is, I would have significantly less things to worry about. I would be more likely to return to work sooner because I wouldn’t be worried about how much it costs to keep me alive and if the job I take will provide adequate and affordable health care for someone who will still need treatments, medicine, and support on a consistent basis.

Not only that, as a previously unhoused person, I am very triggered about the comments and policies that are happening around the United States about the unhoused population. I am so scared I’m going to end up homeless again. So scared. And this time, I wouldn’t just go hungry and without adequate living conditions. Social safety nets and programs to help people like me already were lacking (especially with housing) before these cuts. Now there is talk of sending the National Guard to other cities, including in my state.

I went downtown with my boyfriend this weekend and we saw people who are unhoused sleeping where they could; and i couldn’t help but feel so scared for them, and for people like me. I am so scared.

Please note this is not a political post. I am not engaging in a discourse about how my triggers are related to politics and what my reality is. I am also venting and will talk to my therapist about this, as she has a bigger picture of my circumstance and options.

While i appreciate advice, today I need support.

#MentalHealth #ADHD #Anxiety #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Disability #ChronicIllness #Trauma #CheckInWithMe