Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

I used to have titles.Climbed the ladder from nametags to negotiating administrative benefit packages and without a degree. I started working young.The food industry was easy and titles were Cook or manager.in education, I never wanted to be a T.A.,that was earned and given over years of classroom hours.I had been in Early Childhood development for years,after classes.I ended in Behavior.Certifications,trainings all provided by NYS.Head Start and Early Intervention, when the school closed.Titles are for Academia and class climbers.Judgeful and shamefuls, in my opinion.If my name isnt sufficient and you need a title,I have one.I am an artist, a woman, a mother.I am not employeed.That does not negate my value or opinion.I once was employeed, for over forty years.I put in my time.my title now,shouldn't matter.
I am a person starting over, Trainee.

I used to have titles.Climbed the ladder from nametags to negotiating administrative benefit packages and without a degree. I started working young.The food industry was easy and titles were Cook or manager.in education, I never wanted to be a T.A.,that was earned and given over years of classroom hours.I had been in Early Childhood development for years,after classes.I ended in Behavior.Certifications,trainings all provided by NYS.Head Start and Early Intervention, when the school closed.Titles are for Academia and class climbers.Judgeful and shamefuls, in my opinion.If my name isnt sufficient and you need a title,I have one.I am an artist, a woman, a mother.I am not employeed.That does not negate my value or opinion.I once was employeed, for over forty years.I put in my time.my title now,shouldn't matter.
I am a person starting over, Trainee.

How are you? Are you happy?
Have you been sleeping and getting enough to eat?Are you at peace.
Have you met with your family?Has your spouse been helpful? Do you have enough support,emotionally? Are you going to therapy or any groups? Have you given yourself grace? Have you questioned your motives? Have you looked back or ahead? How do you feel after seeing the end of an era?How do you see change?Where would you like to be and how would it be different?

How are you? Are you happy?
Have you been sleeping and getting enough to eat?Are you at peace.
Have you met with your family?Has your spouse been helpful? Do you have enough support,emotionally? Are you going to therapy or any groups? Have you given yourself grace? Have you questioned your motives? Have you looked back or ahead? How do you feel after seeing the end of an era?How do you see change?Where would you like to be and how would it be different?

Today,was my wedding anniversary.it was not like the others.We have been apart for years.I went outside after begging and he threw in the towel before my Disability was approved.He thought I'd "be better" by now.I have an inoperable cerebral AVM that has been deconstructing for a couple years.I have some thing, that, does not, get better, just maintenance.He hates me for getting sick,not being able to bounce back I guess.I don't know.He literally has no care for me.I want to be cared for.is that wrong? Not coddled or babied but cared about,cared for.I stopped asking him for help.today I had to ask for money, talk about demeaning,I was beside myself, but I did it.I wish there were words that would help him understand, this is because of us.Not me, or my brain or the doctors, appointments or medications.it is Us.Am I waiting for a answer, no.A break, no.I have been in therapy for four years.If, he Is,Not, going to attend,what is my point in trying to rebuild? That,is my answer.it is not my job to teach someone what I am currently learning,is it? If I'm trying to navigate my own? I am going through it alone, still.He feels because he was physically here that I was not.I was, I am, alone in this.I have been, emotionally yes, spiritually no and that has been my grace to others.I am unable, myself to be there for some, I get the contradiction.But my spouse, it was brief and came with conditions from his mother.Not the anniversary I imagined.Tomorrow will be better Tomorrow is new and I will get through another week.

Today,was my wedding anniversary.it was not like the others.We have been apart for years.I went outside after begging and he threw in the towel before my Disability was approved.He thought I'd "be better" by now.I have an inoperable cerebral AVM that has been deconstructing for a couple years.I have some thing, that, does not, get better, just maintenance.He hates me for getting sick,not being able to bounce back I guess.I don't know.He literally has no care for me.I want to be cared for.is that wrong? Not coddled or babied but cared about,cared for.I stopped asking him for help.today I had to ask for money, talk about demeaning,I was beside myself, but I did it.I wish there were words that would help him understand, this is because of us.Not me, or my brain or the doctors, appointments or medications.it is Us.Am I waiting for a answer, no.A break, no.I have been in therapy for four years.If, he Is,Not, going to attend,what is my point in trying to rebuild? That,is my answer.it is not my job to teach someone what I am currently learning,is it? If I'm trying to navigate my own? I am going through it alone, still.He feels because he was physically here that I was not.I was, I am, alone in this.I have been, emotionally yes, spiritually no and that has been my grace to others.I am unable, myself to be there for some, I get the contradiction.But my spouse, it was brief and came with conditions from his mother.Not the anniversary I imagined.Tomorrow will be better Tomorrow is new and I will get through another week.

Now this is a diary vent, so I wont forget. Im upset, he takes my son and spends time alone with him after, this past three months of messing with our life.
Are you seriously thinking boots and dinner will erase what you and your mother have done? I am making sure he has access to a place before I leave.He was put in the middle again and I cannot have it go on.I cannot stay here for six more months.I will be gone.She will never understand what she's done.If I find out my family is involved, I don't know what will happen.I am devastated.I don't know how two people can do that to someone they care about.to phase someone out, to set them up for distrusting them instead of communicating, it is wrong.They never tried,not once.I told her too much and she played me the entire time.I will never forget that day and how it felt seeing him again.That isn't helping someone, that's malicious.Your son is a 55 tear old, let him be for once.

Now this is a diary vent, so I wont forget. Im upset, he takes my son and spends time alone with him after, this past three months of messing with our life.
Are you seriously thinking boots and dinner will erase what you and your mother have done? I am making sure he has access to a place before I leave.He was put in the middle again and I cannot have it go on.I cannot stay here for six more months.I will be gone.She will never understand what she's done.If I find out my family is involved, I don't know what will happen.I am devastated.I don't know how two people can do that to someone they care about.to phase someone out, to set them up for distrusting them instead of communicating, it is wrong.They never tried,not once.I told her too much and she played me the entire time.I will never forget that day and how it felt seeing him again.That isn't helping someone, that's malicious.Your son is a 55 tear old, let him be for once.