Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

I am not doing well. My anxiety has been ramped up, my panic attacks have been pretty bad lately.

The cost of living is becoming really burdensome. I have already felt like I am a burden because I cannot work and only have an income less than $1,000 a month from SSI. I’m 39 years old and want nothing more than to manage my conditions and return to work in some capacity.

I have been trying to do a few different approaches for trauma therapy and my trauma therapist is amazing. Unfortunately she doesn’t work within the insurance system. We were able to afford the private therapy for awhile but now we cannot. I have luckily been able to get a grant to cover the last several months, but that will run out soon.

I am going to have to stop or significantly reduce my trauma therapy. I don’t know how I am going to be able to work through my trauma, but I’m just going to have to.

My bf asked to borrow some money from his mom and she lectured him about how I need to work or move in with my mom (and if you saw my more recent post about my mom- we all know that is not an option). He has never borrowed money from her before, and we have told her in great detail my health problems. I had a feeling she wasn’t listening because she never really acknowledged what I said, and would just make a comment about something else.

I cannot tell you how infuriating it is to be seen as an object that can just be moved so me and my disability are someone else’s problem. Obviously and thankfully, my bf is not going to stand for that. But the hurt is still there because people don’t see my worth and haven’t seen I became disabled. The stigma is really bad for people with disabilities and it’s honestly getting so much worse.

The idea that I should just move somewhere else is a common refrain I have heard since being disabled. My friends and their families kept deciding what was an option for me and often would just tell me to move somewhere else, which would not fix my problem at all. It’s hurtful, so hurtful, that this is coming up again. I am so tired of not feeling like a person because I have chronic conditions. I’m tired of the way people have treated me. I’m so upset that this is coming up again.

Before I became disabled, I was respected by my friends and family. I have no idea how my value seemingly did a 180 because of my disability status. And honestly- if health insurance wasn’t as big of a deal here as it is, I would have significantly less things to worry about. I would be more likely to return to work sooner because I wouldn’t be worried about how much it costs to keep me alive and if the job I take will provide adequate and affordable health care for someone who will still need treatments, medicine, and support on a consistent basis.

Not only that, as a previously unhoused person, I am very triggered about the comments and policies that are happening around the United States about the unhoused population. I am so scared I’m going to end up homeless again. So scared. And this time, I wouldn’t just go hungry and without adequate living conditions. Social safety nets and programs to help people like me already were lacking (especially with housing) before these cuts. Now there is talk of sending the National Guard to other cities, including in my state.

I went downtown with my boyfriend this weekend and we saw people who are unhoused sleeping where they could; and i couldn’t help but feel so scared for them, and for people like me. I am so scared.

Please note this is not a political post. I am not engaging in a discourse about how my triggers are related to politics and what my reality is. I am also venting and will talk to my therapist about this, as she has a bigger picture of my circumstance and options.

While i appreciate advice, today I need support.

#MentalHealth #ADHD #Anxiety #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Disability #ChronicIllness #Trauma #CheckInWithMe

For the past week, my level of anxiety has been high. I'm mentally shifting myself towards the goals I want to achieve. On the other hand, I'm dying for someone to protect me for once. I haven't really been sleeping properly and my body is tense. I'm trying to figure out how to regulate my nervous system, and I'll take any help I can get. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma

Asking for help is complicated for trauma survivors— and it’s not just about our “trust issues.”

(I don’t even really love describing them as “trust issues,” actually. That term frames them as our “issues,” when the reality is that we are having understandable reactions to having been hurt or betrayed, often by people we trusted. Or should have been able to trust, anyway.)

It’s complicated for many trauma survivors to reach out for help because our culture very often doesn’t know what to do with or for trauma survivors.

Many people in our culture misunderstand the nature of post traumatic injury.

They think we are struggling with “the past.”

We are not struggling with “the past.” We are struggling with symptoms and reactions that are weighing down our decisions, relationships, and work performance in the present— right here, right now.

Yes, some of those symptoms and reactions are rooted in things that happened to us in the past— but nobody who is struggling with trauma symptoms or reactions is “fixated” on “the past.”

No survivor is “choosing” to “hold on” to it. Nobody is “refusing to let it go.”

Yet, that’s what we’re very often told we need to do: “let t go.”

“Move on.”

“Suck it up.”

If that’s how the culture around us thinks about our injury— why on earth WOULD we reach out for support or resources?

One of the reasons I devote space on these pages to describing what CPTSD, DD, and other conditions adjacent to complex trauma are really all about, is because I want everyone to have a more accurate understanding of what trauma is and how it injures us.

Trauma survivors do need specific kinds of support when we’re struggling— but not the condescending, shaming, or infantilizing reactions we often get when we’ve reached out in the past.

It’s an unfortunate reality that many people are going to assume survivors reach out or are in need of support because they’re “weak.”

Many survivors are, in fact, exhausted— but that’s not the same as “weak.”

You are not crazy or stubborn if you are reluctant to reach out for support with your trauma symptoms and struggles.

The world is getting better— a little bit— about understanding and appropriately responding to trauma survivors in the last few years, as the trauma informed movement has gained ground.

But the fact that we need to be judicious and cautious about who we reach out to and who we let into our world is very real.

I wish reaching out was easier and more realistic for more survivors.

But all we can do is what we can do— keep speaking the truth of what trauma actually is, how it actually impacts us, and what we actually need.

Keep speaking our truth, even if our voice shakes.
(Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle)

Asking for help is complicated for trauma survivors— and it’s not just about our “trust issues.”

(I don’t even really love describing them as “trust issues,” actually. That term frames them as our “issues,” when the reality is that we are having understandable reactions to having been hurt or betrayed, often by people we trusted. Or should have been able to trust, anyway.)

It’s complicated for many trauma survivors to reach out for help because our culture very often doesn’t know what to do with or for trauma survivors.

Many people in our culture misunderstand the nature of post traumatic injury.

They think we are struggling with “the past.”

We are not struggling with “the past.” We are struggling with symptoms and reactions that are weighing down our decisions, relationships, and work performance in the present— right here, right now.

Yes, some of those symptoms and reactions are rooted in things that happened to us in the past— but nobody who is struggling with trauma symptoms or reactions is “fixated” on “the past.”

No survivor is “choosing” to “hold on” to it. Nobody is “refusing to let it go.”

Yet, that’s what we’re very often told we need to do: “let t go.”

“Move on.”

“Suck it up.”

If that’s how the culture around us thinks about our injury— why on earth WOULD we reach out for support or resources?

One of the reasons I devote space on these pages to describing what CPTSD, DD, and other conditions adjacent to complex trauma are really all about, is because I want everyone to have a more accurate understanding of what trauma is and how it injures us.

Trauma survivors do need specific kinds of support when we’re struggling— but not the condescending, shaming, or infantilizing reactions we often get when we’ve reached out in the past.

It’s an unfortunate reality that many people are going to assume survivors reach out or are in need of support because they’re “weak.”

Many survivors are, in fact, exhausted— but that’s not the same as “weak.”

You are not crazy or stubborn if you are reluctant to reach out for support with your trauma symptoms and struggles.

The world is getting better— a little bit— about understanding and appropriately responding to trauma survivors in the last few years, as the trauma informed movement has gained ground.

But the fact that we need to be judicious and cautious about who we reach out to and who we let into our world is very real.

I wish reaching out was easier and more realistic for more survivors.

But all we can do is what we can do— keep speaking the truth of what trauma actually is, how it actually impacts us, and what we actually need.

Keep speaking our truth, even if our voice shakes.
(Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle)

I'm very familiar with abandonment. I know what it's like to not be chosen by people who I've wanted so badly to be in my life. So, I've realized that in many ways I've grown up with my mom. I've seen things, been exposed to things, and been scarred in more ways than one. Today, I realized that my mom constantly keeps choosing people who have chosen their vices over her. My grandfather chose drugs, my grandmother chose my grandfather, and her husband continues to choose pornography. Even though she keeps choosing him, I'm deciding to choose myself and continue to do that. I know that I have to work through my own issues along the way, but tearing myself apart in that way is no longer an option. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma

I think the low feelings are setting in right now. My chest is tight, my sleep has been terrible, I haven't been eating much, and I'm fatigued. I'm still trying to figure out my plans for moving out and getting a car in the process. It's just that right now, I'm dealing with a lot of emotions. I feel like I'm losing things. I feel like I've been getting a lot of things wrong. That I'm doing everything wrong. I wish I had some immediate people who I can talk to about this because it's all so heavy, and it's only been a few days. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma