Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

This morning was busy. I went crochery shopping. My husband took the car for wax shopping; honey season is just around the cornor.
The afternoon I'm at home on my own. My husband is at work - a workshop about time management.
Being on my own feels heavy.
These days I'm dealing with selfharm intensions a lot.
This on/off contact leaves me pretty insecure. Much space for fear to consume my mind.
It's beyond challanging to build containment on top of that old trauma fear.

I made it successfully through the day. (It's already evening in Germany.)

This morning was busy. I went crochery shopping. My husband took the car for wax shopping; honey season is just around the cornor.
The afternoon I'm at home on my own. My husband is at work - a workshop about time management.
Being on my own feels heavy.
These days I'm dealing with selfharm intensions a lot.
This on/off contact leaves me pretty insecure. Much space for fear to consume my mind.
It's beyond challanging to build containment on top of that old trauma fear.

I made it successfully through the day. (It's already evening in Germany.)

When I was 4, you told me I'd never see you again and part of me wishes you would've kept your word. I allowed you back into my life (38 years later) only for you to abandon me all over again. This morning I woke up to multiple missed calls and voicemails from you. Not heard a single word in almost 2 years and now, in the middle of one random night, it's so damn important for you to talk to me. I'm left feeling guilty for not answering or calling you back, but I just can't do it. I can't keep opening my life and heart to people who are ok with abandoning me. I made my peace with my father a while ago, but that doesn't mean I'm obligated to have a relationship with him. He can sit with his choices, as cruel as that may sound. He had no problem abandoning me, afterall.

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

Nothing in life is permanent. Starting anew with hope when everything is taken away or destroyed. Spontaneous combustion was the first suspect and although that’s not the case it sure does sum up the experience so far Something very profound is happening as we regain our sense of self, identity, home, stability and strength. It’s leaving survival mode and returning to ourselves inside our hearts and connections to others. It’s a new normal we’re building and learning as we go. But what I know is communication and connection isn’t possible when you are in survival mode. My energy is shifting and the ability to listen, learn, and communicate have somewhat returned. It’s been a drag. Too much self imposed anxiety and preoccupation with the actual fire and not enough on the now. But I guess that’s the healing process. Little by little. Sometimes alone sometimes with guidance. I’m grateful and everyday I pray for the grace of God to live in my soul and guide me. and all of the angels, saints, and deceased. Especially my mom who died on Easter. (🤭so Italian to pray to the masses)#housefire #Grief #Loss #MentalHealth #ADHD #Pain #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

I wish every time I felt attacked I could leave and blame https://others.I wish I had multiple people saying its not you, https://ever.I wish I could video tape the eye rolls, the sighs,the avoidance and https://hatred.I wish my life had someone who tried, talked and took action instead of being forced, bought and https://framed.I wish he had a complete transparency button, but it will never https://happen.I know his ego,pride and family have him https://now.I didn't have a chance, never https://did.And now, I definitely do not have a https://reason.He will frame me, set me up again and this time I know he will get meaner, uglier and they will blame ne, like they are https://now.I was accused of hiding, from what? I have put up with enough.Cruel, rude, mean, unhealthy, dysfunction, all over with no one wanting growth or https://resolve.Fake and hypocrisy all https://around.I spent an entire week hoping for it somehow some change, he couldn't wait.

I wish every time I felt attacked I could leave and blame https://others.I wish I had multiple people saying its not you, https://ever.I wish I could video tape the eye rolls, the sighs,the avoidance and https://hatred.I wish my life had someone who tried, talked and took action instead of being forced, bought and https://framed.I wish he had a complete transparency button, but it will never https://happen.I know his ego,pride and family have him https://now.I didn't have a chance, never https://did.And now, I definitely do not have a https://reason.He will frame me, set me up again and this time I know he will get meaner, uglier and they will blame ne, like they are https://now.I was accused of hiding, from what? I have put up with enough.Cruel, rude, mean, unhealthy, dysfunction, all over with no one wanting growth or https://resolve.Fake and hypocrisy all https://around.I spent an entire week hoping for it somehow some change, he couldn't wait.