darkthoughts

Hey. I write myself notes at night to help slow my thoughts down. I end up turning them into some sort of poem, lyrical thing and I wanted a safe space to share. This is what I recently wrote last night at 3am:

Tonight's got you up again

Thoughts are spiralling out of control

It's so hard you just want it to end

You consider suicide but you know it's all lies

You tried once when you wanted to die

Remember the regret that came with that lie?

It's just in your head man, you've got so much more to give

Allow me to spill the secret, wait for the reveal

You are strong enough, you've been here before

Gone off to war with yourself, you are so much more

I know these words are true

But it's so hard when it starts to feel unglued

You think, "hey I'm progressing" but then you're in this mood

Feels like nothing can break through

Except for the drums of war

Constantly banging, always wanting more

You feel like you can't breathe, everyone feels so far

You hide inside your own head,

Or considering drowning your thoughts at the bar

Which leaves your mind in a state, with dark thoughts for only you to explore

It's all too easy to be untrue and rude

How can a mind be so crude?

Remember how far you've come?

Let's go to where it began

It sounded like this, when you felt so split

"Fuck this, I want to quit

What's the point in all of this?

I'm going to cut myself for a quick fix

It numbs all the pain, but only brings more rain

It's fine, I've only got pain

It leaves scars but who cares?

Is anyone even there?

Maybe I'll swallow a bunch of pills

I hear that can really kill

I hope it does, I don't have the will"

That isn't you anymore, you know it's true

It's okay sometimes to feel like it's all blue

It's all a process, when your mind is a zoo

Believe in yourself like I do, you've won the war before

You are so much more,

Than those thoughts at your door

Just listen to that voice that's growing ever louder

Its saying, "you got this and I couldn't be prouder"

#MentalHealth #Depression #Selfharm #darkthoughts #Insomnia

I have been sober 5 years with zero cravings. The past 2 weeks, nearly daily, I have struggled with the urges to drink. It is concerning since I've no desire for alcohol. If anyone could reach out and talk to me, maybe that would help understand better

It is the vacation period and my friends are spending time with their loved ones. I am happy for them.
I don't have family support and am single, so I do feel extremely lonely at times like this. I don't think I want to keep bothering my friends. Vacations are precious, and I don't want my dull mood to bring gloom to people who matter to me.
I know I should pick up a book or go for a walk. But I am not in the mood for anything in my own company. Not today. Haha. I even detest my own company, so I think it is even more so for my friends.
My list of work tasks is still long but I do not want to switch on the work laptop.
Haha.
Does the post make sense? #Depression #Loneliness #darkthoughts

It is 9.38am, and I am still in bed. I have work to do, but I don't feel like doing it. I know that a walk outside now will help, but I don't want to walk alone. I want to just end this. I want to reach out to my friends to tell them how I feel but I don't want to trouble or impose on anyone. It is a Sunday morning and I am a 41 year old. Surely, I can do better than imposing on people who matter to me? I want to end this rut. This useless pain. But I want to hold on too, to see if things will get better. What do I want? #useless #Depression #darkthoughts

Does anyone else ever feel tired of life? Not that you can't go on or want to end things, but just tired of living like this, or, for the minutest of seconds feel disappointed that you have woken up that day? I'm just so, so tired #ChronicPain #Depression #darkthoughts

If someone else were to share with me the thoughts that have been going through my head lately, I would be seriously concerned for them. But, somehow, when these dark thoughts are in my own head, they seem quite normal. I've lived with similar thoughts for years, and they are just a bit worse than usual, right? I feel that I don't know how to appropriately assess my own thoughts because I'm just so used to them. I spoke with my therapist this morning and she was definitely concerned and started talking with me about the possibility of making a visit to the hospital. It's just hard to know - when are these thoughts just run of the mill depression heightened by life stress vs. go get help now thoughts? How do you figure this out?

#CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #abusesurvivor #darkthoughts #Selfassessment #Decisions #Hospitalization #SuicidalIdeation

So, I'm new here and I woke up kinda down. I don't really know why but when I woke up, I just wanted to go back to sleep. After not sleeping really well for a few hours then tossing and turning, listening to music, than reading fanfiction about my anime. I cut different parts, just small ones, and I just want to actually sleep.

Today I might lose my battle with depression. My daughter is so young she would not remember me. Half of me says how could I do this to her. My brain is eating me alive.

Q: How do you get rid of Type One Diabetes?
A: You die..

#Depression #SuicidalThoughts #darkthoughts
#type1diabetic