I came to The Mighty app as I have grown to feel very safe here in sharing my mental health struggles. Unfortunately, I am no stranger to abandonment and abuse in all forms. These extremely painful experiences have been with me every day of my life. I've experienced the love of a soulmate and complete peace in my life for a brief 7 years and since then I feel like I some how ended up on the hamster wheel of insanity. The last 4 years have contained a few high's jumbled in with many blows. Back in November I was forced to exit a relationship that was filled with Domestic Abuse. It ripped my family apart. Some days I think I'm okay but most days I'm lucky to walk out of my bedroom. This next part is super embarrassing for me...I have so much anxiety and a huge lack of energy that I havent showered for months or really any proper hygiene. I get anxiety just thinking about having to leave the house to get groceries or even go to my doctors appt. I have expressed these things to doctors and even a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist actually made me feel 10 times worse then when I entered our appt. Figured she would know not to kick a dog when they're down. She referred to me as "a survivor that's never seen justice" and it really took me back because I don't want to be a survivor anymore. If I'm just surviving then I'm not living. Most days I literally want to fade away in to the background. How do you fix a life that seems with very little effort to always go wrong? The educated side of my brain sees all these red flags within my mental health while the human side of me says I just cant help it. I feel utterly broken and damaged. On top of which mom guilt eats me alive because I want to be so much healthier for my children and be able to give all of myself and I cant even get out of depression?! That part makes me angry. I've looked up mental health treatment centers but as a single mom I dont have the ability to just up and leave on top of it feeling extremely selfish. On top of my ex husband using it as leverage within our custody agreement to try and claim I'm unstable. This is the same man that has taken legal action to try and strip me of my parental rights for literally no other reason then wanting to appease his new wife and pretend I never existed. I desperately need and want to find happiness and love again and I just don't see it. Why would I? I have nothing to offer except a crap ton of baggage and I would never put that on someone else. My anxiety and depression medication don't seem to be working and you know it's bad when they're running out of options. I don't know if I've ever felt this lost and broken.
#PTSD #Deperession #severeanxiety
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