discard

New here today I can texts a few of the issues I'm going through that have me really numb and emotnaly drained empty. First I have PTSD and BPD not sure about the complex. To my surprise after 4 very unimaginable years of having unimaginable things done said in the most subconscious ways Ihave absolutely no clue about anything. All I know is pain anger confusion numbness. Stripped of everything in the end other then the clothes on my back currently at a safe house for men. Who am I ? Like the bpd I've always had small issues about my identity but no all I know is what my name is and even then it's no longer familiar. My family believe her how did she convince everyone I abandoned her ? And that I'm on drugs and gamble and cheated I've never done any of that but I catch myself doubting myself about it. The intensity of our love and now I'm absolutely meaningless. Everything I've read about says she just used me for what they call supply . I was food deprived convinced I wasn't enough unless she was with me that without her I wouldn't succeed. I've always needed guidance. Without getting into detail imagine how I felt when my aunt molested me as a child multiply it by 20 and that's close to how she made me feel and the damn feeling is I'm in instilled but now I don't have her to make me feel better again like it always happens . Everyone else is at her side I'm alone with not 1 single person and honestly can't be around one what if there like that too? How will I be able to tell who's who . I've never believed in demonic possession but that's gotta be the answer she's gotta be possessed. The way even the kids got treated unforgivable. No human could be like that. Or am I imagining it? Whoever reads this thank you . I ask for whatever you can give me I'll take it all I have nothing.

Today I'm able to muster enough to do this . Usually I'm completely isolated constantly confused intensely emotionally drained so drained I'm numb I don't know who I am or what my core values are anymore . I just know what everyone says that I'm a monster I'm so unlovable that after my suicide attempt I couldn't come home and my soul mate had a new man living already at the house I bought that while I was in the psych ward she drained ever dollar I had . But before it got to that point she stripped me of my dignity my self worth my identity my values I had no voice no opinion other than her if I went in any way against her either it was a death match which was completely controlled by her or she would disappear. She convinced me without her I was nothing that my own family was against me I wasn't allowed out of the bed room in the last 6 months . She would food deprive me I tried running away but she called the police said I hit her and put me in jail to find out she made movies while I was jail of the adult kind and had them on adult sites . The betrayal was unimaginable the amount of confusion control this girl had somehow over me that I could not get out of today I say was insanity . I'll never be myself again I honestly am just stuck my brain is not right . I'm already borderline now my psychotic voices when ever they come are of her . I see her in the shadows I wake up drenched . I jump at sudden movement. I have a inability to say no I've never had a problem telling someone no in a way that wasn't offensive I can't now I just do it . How have I become like this I couldn't even kill myself right is what she told me . Two days no contact but I wanna contact her why? What is wrong with me? She had monitoring devices in my phone . Nothing of mine was mine . I had nothing . I was hers to do as she wished for 4 years how could I be so foolish . No other girl has ever or person and I was molested as a kid has ever made me feel like this I'm dead but alive I'm alive but in a dream . I'm just going through motions I don't know if I can ever bounce back . I start to try and something or another will trigger me into either a major panic attack to where I'm in a ambulance or I melt balling in front of whom ever I feel safe nowhere I trust nobody . I can't isolate myself enough.

New here looking for anyway to make myself feel think be unstuck . To feel think that I am not worthless or that I'm not always wrong or that I have a voice . Or that I'm able to be honest about how I feel and not mad fun of . Today I found enough in me to look on line for some sort of support. Short version of 4 years I am borderline decided to keep it real with my next true love . We'll hook line and sinker soulmate matched my every quality knew me and my most deepest secrets was the financial one because she claimed jokingly to be more responsible only to ruin me . Empty me hollow me I feel as if I am nothing without her now I've found out she's a covert narcissist. My damaged abandoned childhood BPD the intensity of my feelings she convinced me to attempt to kill myself. Only to survive and find out that in the three weeks I was in the hospital she was already living with another guy . Currently at a homeless shelter she ruined everything everyone is against me it's all my fault I have nobody just the clothes on my back terrified to get my stuff if I take the police it'll make her mad and she'll come after me . I'm so defeated depressed numb. I don't recognize myself I have vivid nightmares. Thanks for reading had to get it out in the shortest form .

it happened so suddenly, and sometimes we still casually chat at #Work, but I find it so hard to accept that she has completely forgotten our former #Friendship.

#Borderline #friend now treats me like a complete #Stranger . So #depressed since I cannot stop #caring about her.

#childlessness #involuntary #unstable #relationship #Friendship

She started talking to me suddenly as if nothing at all ever happened. Like we travelled six months back in time!! Same inside jokes and everything. #Borderline #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #narcissistic #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #unstable #relationship

I know this #friend wasn’t really a friend, and she #Abuse me, #discard me. And yet I still miss her, the good times we had, the friend I thought she was.