I go through ups and downs with my relationship to food and my body. I started graduate school this semester and I have a group of friends who are skinny and attractive and lately they’ve been talking a lot about how they need/want to gain weight because they’re medically underweight.
I have a final tomorrow that I kind of studied for but I totally wasted my night because I couldn’t stop thinking about food and how gross my body is (I ate PLENTY today, believe me). I ended up making a stress ball of a pig for me to squeeze when I am craving but not hungry.
By the way, I don’t like it when people tell me “looks don’t matter” when I express concerns about my appearance because it’s just confirmation that I am ugly and this phrase is just for consolation. So please, I would rather not hear anything like that right now.
I have complicated feelings about food because I do love food and I hate it at the same time. My boyfriend is a wonderful cook and his love language is cooking for people. So I still will eat well with him. TOO well lol. I’m trying to train myself to have better self restraint when I’m not with him. He has some awareness that I am insecure about my body but I don’t talk about the details.
Seeing myself in the mirror and in pictures is emotionally and physically painful because I am so disgusting. But I haven’t tried hard enough to lose weight. I always gain it back plus some more every time. I’ve tried counting calories, drinking water when I’m craving, taking fiber to feel full, etc. I don’t like exercising or being active which makes it harder, I’m a lazy person. I’ve been watching fitness and body transformation videos for inspiration.
I don’t have like an eating disorder. I’ve told my therapist about my insecurities except for the piggy stress ball because I made it just now. She said it’s normal to feel insecure about your body. And when I said I was struggling to lose weight, she asked if I’ve looked into GLP-1s but I don’t want to take meds because I already have meds for other things.
There’s more about what goes on in my mind when it comes to food and my body, but this is already way too long lol I don’t know what to do, I hate that I can’t resist my cravings or stop thinking about food