When two Borderlines collide
A while ago in January, through a sequence of unusual happenings it seemed that the universe had perfectly aligned me with THE missing puzzle piece of my life. I was diagnosed 3 years ago at the age of 36, and since then have done extensive research, therapy and other self work techniques so that by knowing and understanding more I would have greater self awareness when it comes to me, my BPD and my interactions with the world. Right, back to the puzzle piece... I'm a member on a what's app group for a night club, someone posted a link to one of his mixes on Mixcloud, so I clicked, and loved what I heard and left a comment. A few days later this guy had figured out where he would find the author of a very erudite and perceptive and knowledgeable comment, he wanted to thank me and tracked me down on the E.S.P. Group. And as it so happened we found our common ground and started chatting daily and incessantly about everything. And as a borderline I'm thinking this is it, my life's at its lowest low, I'm lonely, I've got nothing to lose and I give in and fall for this guy, a DJ, isn't it every girls dream to be with a DJ? What was strange that I now only realise with hindsight was that as enamored as I was with him, he was giving it right back to me. There wasn't any fear that he might not reply, that I'd say the wrong thing... It felt so perfect that I packed my car and drove to the other side of my country because we had decided we had to be together.
At first it was like "Oh it's you, I know you." There was no initial feeling of insecurity, wariness, or even apprehension. This was us, together, and it was a perfect sync. Until slowly little things turned into issues from his side, and were always generally expressed in anger directed towards me. It was something I had done, or not done, or it was my fault that some untoward event happened. And we'd ride these cyclical waves of me being criticised because I had displeased him to an argument where I was inevitably apologising as I always do to avoid an abandonment and back to semi normal amd we'd both idealise each other again. Now knowing what I know about being borderline and how it plays out am at an advantage in this situation... I began to notice a pattern of this kind of "triggered anger storm" directed towards me by devaluation,
having to continually defend myself from false accusations, to being the peacekeeper and making sure nothing fell apart, until he'd eventually say "I'm.sorry, but..." As time has gone by the rage attacks have increased in intensity and frequency. I understand now that I'm dealing with another borderline but this is an undiagnosed borderline. So I'm losing my battle to help him see the pattern in his behaviours. As he's opened up to me it's allowing me to make more and more sense of it, the one minute we're going to get married the next minute it's over and he "doesn't have time for me to make up my mind, I'm perfectly happy being single"
I suppose the reason for my post is that I feel I'm the stable rational logical one experiencing his chaos, yet at the same time questioning my own thoughts and feelings. I just know that I'm not strong enough in any way to keep being the punching bag. Patient I have been with him, understanding and supportive too. But I'm desperately confused because I don't know where the boundaries are, where do I draw the line. When I point out things to him he just laughs and blames my BPD which he knew about before I arrived in this situation. It's a tragedy because he holds the key to my heart in the music (I wanted to study sound engineering, and i can play classical piano, and absolutely love electronic dance music) I want to learn from him and he wants to teach me, (he's even booked me to mix at an event that's coming up), and sometimes we have really deep moments together. But where do I end and where does he begin?
I see all the symptoms, I've experienced the idealisation and devaluation, the bouts of rage, the splitting...... but I feel that it's him in his unawareness of self mind state that is the source of all the drama. The only thing I feel I'm guilty for is not ending it because I can't bear to be alone again. Or perhaps I'm deceiving myself.
Does anyone have any comments or questions or suggestions which might help me sort through my mind. Because my emotions or reactions are not disproportionate to the his insane reactions to his triggers......so I don't believe they're a problem except getting defensive and fear of abandonment. Thank you for reading.