Getting Fat* with a history of ED/Anorexia #EatingDisorders #weightgain #Fatshaming #Dysphoria
First off I use the term Fat* as an empowering self identifier, based off the work of Roxanne Gay.
So i had an eating disorder in high school. I didnt gain weight from the time I was 12 to 15, and I was skinny, underweight. At 15 I started recovery and have been in remission for 5-6 years. In that time, my weight has almost doubled (for a bunch of reasons). In the last few months especially, I've put on a good share of that weight. I was fine with being plus size, at least when I was a Small Fat* (RG's term) and could hide the weight with looser clothes. Now I'm reaching the point where I can't. And I hate it and I'm ashamed of hating it bc I know there is nothing wrong with being my size. But I just feel ugly and unattractive and huge and I don't like how I look in just about anything. I have almost nothing that I had a year ago because it doesn't fit me/I dont like it anymore. Im uncomfortable in anything except pajamas and hate going on the bus because of the space I know I take up. I feel like I dont know how to express who I am which makes me feel like I don't know who I am. So I want to loose weight (just a few pounds) but my body won't do it which is bringing back fasting/restriction habits, especially since I have no apeptite and nothing sounds or tastes good (due to meds Im on and other disabilities I have). So in the last couple days, I've barely eaten anything and I don't want to because nothing sounds good, I'm rarely hungry and most of all because I dont want to gain weight.
And no one in my life understands. Everyone thinks I should be loosing weight (fat shaming) and that I just need to have discipline to eat and eat "healthily".