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    Getting Fat* with a history of ED/Anorexia #EatingDisorders #weightgain #Fatshaming #Dysphoria

    First off I use the term Fat* as an empowering self identifier, based off the work of Roxanne Gay.

    So i had an eating disorder in high school. I didnt gain weight from the time I was 12 to 15, and I was skinny, underweight. At 15 I started recovery and have been in remission for 5-6 years. In that time, my weight has almost doubled (for a bunch of reasons). In the last few months especially, I've put on a good share of that weight. I was fine with being plus size, at least when I was a Small Fat* (RG's term) and could hide the weight with looser clothes. Now I'm reaching the point where I can't. And I hate it and I'm ashamed of hating it bc I know there is nothing wrong with being my size. But I just feel ugly and unattractive and huge and I don't like how I look in just about anything. I have almost nothing that I had a year ago because it doesn't fit me/I dont like it anymore. Im uncomfortable in anything except pajamas and hate going on the bus because of the space I know I take up. I feel like I dont know how to express who I am which makes me feel like I don't know who I am. So I want to loose weight (just a few pounds) but my body won't do it which is bringing back fasting/restriction habits, especially since I have no apeptite and nothing sounds or tastes good (due to meds Im on and other disabilities I have). So in the last couple days, I've barely eaten anything and I don't want to because nothing sounds good, I'm rarely hungry and most of all because I dont want to gain weight.

    And no one in my life understands. Everyone thinks I should be loosing weight (fat shaming) and that I just need to have discipline to eat and eat "healthily".

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    Dear Caregiver, Fat is Not Evil.

    Dear Caregiver,

    I think you are constantly obsessed with my weight, it makes me feel confused and deeply sad, and humiliated.

    Why do you need to focus on my weight?

    What is your ultimate logic in focusing on my weight? I don’t believe it adds to your finances, makes you achieve your goals faster, or bring forth any positive challenges.

    It doesn’t make you a good caregiver. It makes you a bully.

    If you’re a bully, then you’re not a caregiver who is looking to engage in healthy relationships.

    Your behavior is costing you this relationship.

    #Fatshaming

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    My own family hates me #Anxiety #Fatshaming

    So i'm a few sizes bigger than the other girls i admit that. But do they have to rub it in that hard to the wound? I already had a hard time accepting myself. Everytime i eat something, every single time, all those disgusting looks they gave me, those knife-like words just tear my heart into pieces. I can only cry myself to sleep. I tried working out, tried to even starve myself but everything just didn't work. Now i dont even want to go out because i dont want to be seen. I feel ugly, i feel disgusted by myself. My family always said that if i'm going to stay in that body, i'm never going to meet someone (as in a boy). And i'm starting to believe that now. No one has ever taken any interests in me whatsoever. Seems like my family is tearing me down from the inside.

    161 comments
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    I’m a fat anxious girl 😞 #Anxiety #weightgain

    My anxiety has made me so fat... I used to think I was beautiful and but now every time I see myself in the mirror I just see a fat full of acne ugly person. My self esteem is so low right now, my parent tell my I’ve gained weight and the tell me I should stop eating and excercise more (which is true) but sometimes I think I’ve got like this because of my lack of mental health... A few months ago I told them that my psychiatrist diagnosed me with anxiety and depression but although they listened to me I don’t think they really understand what’s all of this about or maybe they just think I’m not serious... The thing is that I just feel so ugly inside and out... Not to mention all my worries and regrets and self loathing... I’m a mess I wish I could just disappear...
    #Anxiety #Fatshaming

    3 comments
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    fingers crossed

    Going to the doctor again today, hopefully I'll get a different answer than the usual 'lose weight' - fingers crossed #Fatshaming #doctorappointment #weight

    2 comments
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    Primary care doctor is #Fatshaming

    My primary care doctor is really getting on me for my weight and I’m afraid it’s making me want to be #bulimic and #Anorexic. She doesn’t understand that I was doing really well mentally until that appointment!