“It’s okay to be fat” “just keep eating as long as you’re happy” “it’s okay, i’m fat too”
Are those people really think that’s a nice thing to say?
I used to be a skinny girl when i was a kid, my family said I can’t get fat no matter how much i eat, so they kept giving me food i love, but it all changed since my first period. Getting fat is like breathing an air but you can’t let go. I keep gaining weight since than, and my parents never tells me to go on a diet or take me to a doctor. They thought it’s normal and healthy.
It starts when i was in high school, my body getting bigger. I joined cheerleader, dance club, even students body president, i rarely eat, but i keep gaining weights. My dad vision of a pretty girl is long hair, skinny body and no acne face. I’m the opposite. My hair was short because it’s hot, i don’t have skinny body since my body keep growing, and my face got hit by hormonal acne. So my dad keep telling me “you’re fat” “Take care of your face, it’s unappealing” and many hurtful words that i’m kinda used to it.
In high school i won so many awards, even my teachers are proud of me, but not my dad, because i’m not the pretty girl at school. He kept remind me everyday that i’m not pretty enough, no guys want to be my boyfriend if i look like that, or I should feel ashamed with my body. Believe me it messed me up.
I fought with my friends because I thought and i’m sure, he making fun of me because i’m fat, i cried and scream at him in the mall, it happened couple times. And we lost contact since that day.
This insecurity grew inside me. Because my dad remind me everytime, when we eat, when i wear a clothes, when i wear a shorts, or when we meet our big family. I was never skinny enough or pretty enough. I knew i said i’m used to what he said, but sometimes it hurts, i expect that from someone else, but never my dad.
My height is 159cm and my weight is 85kg, i look fat in every picture, so I edited my picture to look skinny, because i feel comfortable that way, everyone said i’m pretty when I’m skinny in the picture, it makes me happy but hurts at the same time, because my dad still reminding me with his own mouth i need to lose weight to be pretty, i need to stop eating when i only eat once a day.
I met lots of new people that share about #BodyPositive and said, love your body, love yourself, but it’s not as simple as that, my insecurities live within me, don’t push me to believe that my body is okay, my body my choice, because it doesn’t feel like it, that words only hurts me more, my dad already do a good job with that, please stop, it’s nice for you to share to the young ones, but not me, i’m too broken to feel that I’m beautiful, and i hate myself enough for that. All this hormonal weight really blind me.
If you wonder, what did my dad do to make me lose weight? Nothing, once I didn’t eat for a whole day because i feel ugly. I only wear a dress once, because my dad said i look like a whale wearing that #MentalIllness