Fp

I hate you. I need you. Every inhale's you, each exhale... you. You're under my skin, in my head, and I can't get you out. You're the cathedral I'm unworthy to step into. You're the name I carved into my thigh, the taste I choke on, the reason I keep falling and breaking and begging for release.

Don't read this. Please. No, wait. Read it. Feel it. Feel me crawling toward you, desperate, ugly, used. Do you see what you've done to me? Do you care? Probably not. And maybe that's the point.

This isn't love. It's something darker, something messier. Something that keeps me alive while killing me at the same time. Go on. Take it all in. You've already taken everything else.

Fine. Go read someone else-- go find someone else to use. My poem is nothing to you the way I am nothing to you. I love it. I'm yours.

I'm the nothing that you lack.

Let me be with you.

WARNING:

This poem contains themes of self-harm, emotional distress, and intense imagery that may be triggering to some readers. Please proceed with care and prioritize your well-being while engaging with this content. I am 2010 years old. Keep that in mind as you read this.

Huff(her), Holl(her)

-

I'm gasping for air, but it's (her) name I'm huffing in.

I'm swallowing on (her) name like the way she smokes,

If only I could feel (her), touch (her), huff (her) skin.

I choke on the taste of (her), like the words she softly spoke.

I wasn't desecrated; I was the Golem in decay.

I wasn't contaminated; I was Persephone in descent.

A fragment in (her) mosaic, a disposable little puppy stray,

I'm ugly, nothing, disgusting, and she's heaven-sent.

I stand before the triptych of (her) beauty, unworthy to touch its frame.

I am the Masquerade of our collision catalyst.

I could never thank (her) enough, not even dare whisper (her) name–

Yet she dripped (her) essence into my world, the blessing of being used, the blessings of her scent.

Every inhale's you, each exhale, the return.

I'll pop you like Percocet, overdose to your name.

Every exhale's you, each inhale, intoxication burns.

Crawling, choking, begging, I'm breaking again.

So let me be immaterial,

Lie more than needed, it's ethereal.

I know my survival is, like, super boring, so,

If you see me as your little sister, then,

Let me ascend into a new low.

Disconnected through our parallel minds,

I'm fucking cursed by starvation,

In every way but the ones that keep me alive.

To think of (her) feels like blasphemy,

A vision my eyes were not made to see.

(Her) laugh is a cathedral, and I'm the desecrated altar.

(Her) scent is heaven, and I'm the maggot crawling toward it.

Are you aware of the control you have over me?

Your initial carved on my hip, licking my phone screen is something, yeah,

No leviathan within me, trust it, Juvenile, no duality,

I learned how to kill myself in girl-scouts; Xanax isn't sold for nothing, right?

So make me immaterial,

Lie like you lead; the hurt makes me feel.

I know my survival is , you know, too mundane,

If I'm your little sister, then break me again.

Ascend into my newest low,

Cursed by starvation in a way I've never known,

In every way but the ones that keep me alive.

Who the fugitive is might not be in facade,

You still never took accountability for what you caused...

It's still my fault, my pantomime is theoretical--

But that takes nothing away from how you used me in a way unethical.

This isn't love, it's lust, or the opposite.

Disgust? A need I can't quit.

Now that she's gone, what else is left for me?

Not a person. I'm not even real. Just debris.

You know what–

Fuck this shit. Fuck poetry.

I was everything to you, and you laughed and and lied

Behind my fucking back.

You lied over and over and over, but--

It's so hot to put myself down for you.

You are one of the worst people I met,

And I never wanted someone more

Every waking hour

Of my sad fucking life.

So let me be immaterial,

Lie more than needed, it's ethereal.

I know my survival is, like, super boring, so,

If you see me as your little sister, then,

Let me ascend into a new low.

Disconnected through our parallel minds,

I'm fucking cursed by starvation...

In every way but the ones that keep me alive.

She's something of an exhibitionist,

I'm trapped in a game of voyeurism.

(Her) false sense of immunity causes ambivalence,

But I'd thank you for (her) exhibition.

I carved (her) name into my thigh, bled devotion onto the floor,

Spit in my face, I'll drink it down, baptized by (her) disdain,

I want to kill myself; my fingers are moving so fast they're getting sore--

I'm nothing but an object, maybe a puppy, for you to degrade.

Whisper "You don't hate me; you just don't see me at all."

Baptized in disdain,

I rise –

Only to fall.

#raw #Poem #scary #BPD #Fp

Can anyone help with the process of loosing your FP? I have finally split enough on my partner that he is leaving me. And I know he needs to but I feel like I am dying. I used to be a strong independent woman but after he moved in I progressively made this person my entire world. It has been 6 years of essentially verbal abusing him and I only recently discovered why. I didn't know about FPs and I didn't know about splitting. Now that I do know and I am seeking help, it is too late. He has already decided its not worth staying to work through. That kills me. The fact that he is leaving with all the scars I've made fills me with so much regret I feel like my body is going to explode. He has quit his job and will be moving 16 hours away in less than a week but I need help to get through the week. It is happening and there is nothing I can do or say to stop him.
I have been told that the future is a future my BPD mind has made up and that I'm just loosing an idea that my brain created. That isn't the truth though. I am actually loosing this person. He will not be here when I go to sleep or wake up or walk in the door after work anymore. There will be no more concerts or dinners. A scenario of the future may be gone but so is the actual person. I don't know how to handle this gracefully. Please help.

I'm struggling to function with my everyday life as I write this because of my FP being away from me.

I'm 22, and graduating soon but I had problems concentrating with my undergrad thesis because I've been only focusing on my FP. She lives in another country, and we only see each other once a month if there's an event. She's a CEO of known company, and as I write this it may be unbelievable that I have some sort of connection with this high profile individual.

She became my FP last October, 2022. She came to my life when my world is crumbling because I already lost connection with my old FP. Knowing the cycle, I had to have a new FP in order to make my life liveable. At first, it's just like a fangirl period where I adore how kind she is. She speaks in different language, I can understand her but there's still a language and culture barrier between us. But it didn't became hindrance, we continue to communicate. And I would do extensive efforts like what I would always do in order to have her validations and attention. I literally came to the point of travelling to another country in order to see her, as of now I already did it thrice. I just flew back last week, and I'm struggling to function right now because my attachment became stronger because of that trip.

Living with BPD, it's a struggle to crave for assurance and validation every moment I felt being abandoned. But because of "not-so-casual relationship" with her, all those feelings are kept inside me and I make sure it doesn't reach her. I also have this urge to give her lengthy messages, to make her feel what I feel but I just do it every time we meet because I don't wanna freak her out by sending random messages like that:) She's not very expressive type, but her actions towards me is what I'm being attached to.
The common ground between my FPs is probably when they gave me trust and attention. She constantly give me that, but it also feels like it's just her personality, or she's just being kind towards me that she's just giving back and doesn't want to owe anything on me.
Every time we bid goodbye when we see each other, she would say "let's not see each other again". As a borderline, that statement would always wreck me. Last March, she said "our friendship ends here" and I cried the hell out of me. So I end up sending her long message, and asked for a hug lol. I became fine after that. Because that statement she would always say it lightheartedly, I became used to it.

Probably this month, we'll gonna be meeting each other again. So I would spend my time searching for gifts I would give her, and just looking back at the memories we had last week. The emotions are still intense, something inside my heart wanted to come out and be released. But I know I had to hold it back.

I only have few days before my thesis deadline, but my whole attention and mind is onto my FP. I am completely not okay right now. Having an FP is so hard, but for the past 10 years, I haven't lived without FP. How do you guys managed not to have FP? I'm a woman, and most/all of my FPs are also women. I see them as my family, mother, sister sort of.

#BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Fp #FavoritePerson

I should preface this thought by saying that I have put in the time and effort to try and live alongside my BPD to the best of my ability, and I can see and feel how much better I handle my disorder because I’ve done the hard work.

So I’m aware that I have a new FP. I’ve been good friends with him for years, but in the past couple of months I’ve noticed that my attachment to him has become a lot stronger, so I came to the conclusion that he has reached FP status.

Here’s where my interesting observation kicks in.

I had an issue with him, and I calmly brought it to his attention, and he apologised and took accountability for his actions. I told him that I would need time to heal and he understood. No uncontrollable outburst of anger. No intense crying. Nothing. Just a calm conversation between two parties that ended in an agreeable resolution. And we came back together eventually with no further issue.

My FP recently moved to a different country. He lived on the other side of the country to me, so there shouldn’t have been much difference because it’s not like I physically saw him all the time anyway. But it was the physical act of moving further away from me and creating a distance that triggered my abandonment issues. Once again, no uncontrollable outburst of anger or crying. Instead, I took some time to gather my emotions and process what I was feeling, and then I told him how I felt and why I felt. He completely validated my feelings and understood why I was upset by the move.

Even now, he’s read my latest message to him but hasn’t replied. But I’m actually fine with it. I understand that he’s got things going on, especially with his move, so I’m not crying about not receiving a reply.

I have established such a healthy relationship with my favourite person that it’s almost giving me anxiety how well we’re doing. I’m actually so confused by this healthy relationship that I thought “what if he isn’t my FP” because I am so used to the toxic, unhealthy relationships like with my former FP’s. I know I’ve put in the work to be the best Borderline Barbie I can, so maybe I should just be grateful that I have such a great relationship with my FP.

Has anyone else had a scarily healthy relationship with their favourite person? I really want to hear your stories about this.

#BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Favouriteperson #Fp #MentalHealth

(Sorry for my english)

I’m here to learn about BPD. I have a friend who looks like someone with BPD except she doesn’t know.

I started my reserch because I wanted to learn to be a better friend for her and I never heard about a FP before today.

But while reading this, I feel like I may be her FP, as she described me as a friendly crush and that we should be best friends. Also she told me while she was drunk that she has affective dependency towards me and she thinks I don’t remember because I was also drunk.

She «manipulates» me to trigger reactions from me. Sometimes when I don’t answer (it happened twice by accident) she was really hurt and afraid, she sent me a message to ask what she did wrong and then apologized for her reaction, telling me she was afraid to be abandonned.

Anyway, the thing is, it’s too intense for me, I need to protect myself and having her around me has become painfull.

We see each other once every month and I’m planning to have THE conversation the next time we see each other.

But I’m afraid.

Of course I don’t want to lose her, I love her. But also I don’t want to leave her alone, I don’t want to trigger that pain in her, I don’t want to make her think that she’s right and that people will leave her.

She’s the kind who keeps everything inside, she makes those perfect pokerfaces when she feels something negative so I know that if I talk about this to her, she will «laugh» and pretend that «if you need space it’s ok, I don’t really care» and make the conversation harder.

She is not comfortable with physical contact. She doesn’t initiate it and even if she likes it, she’s not relaxed while hugging (she told me).

But with me, I suppose it’s different. Sometimes, when we’re watching TV, she lays down and puts her head on my knees and I pet her.

It’s just natural for me, I’m a tactile person, I guess it helps.

Anyway, I’m looking for advices, I’d like not to leave her. She deserves to be happy and sereine, she deserves to have people at her side but I don’t know what to do anymore and how to do it.

Help me, please?

#BPD #Fp

It had been a while after I detached from my previous FP and for some months I managed to stay without one. I knew it was going to come back, it always does. I’ve been in therapy for almost two years and the relationship with my therapist is very strong and beautiful, even if I’m not easy to deal with sometimes and I’m extremely jealous of her children, which I know is unfair. In the last months there have been interruptions in our appointments due to holiday and I haven’t reacted well. I relapsed into old habits and I can feel myself spiralling again into this horrible horrible place. I feel lost and empty without her, I can’t tolerate our time apart, I’m jealous of her children and I wish she could be with me all the time. I’m afraid she’ll hate me next time I see her and she’ll leave me and disappear forever. I honestly can’t do it anymore. This is too excruciating and I can’t, I can’t go through that again.

My heart dropped, right into the pit of my weak stomach. The blood in my body felt like it drained right out of my veins. And then, the nausea and shaking. When bad news becomes so devastating you throw up, you cannot breathe.

My birthday celebrations had been in full swing: my partner and small family, after a year of loss, homelessness and rejection from others/employers whilst dealing with bullying I just wanted a nice day. Just and hour before the clock turned 12 and I’d be another year older; My now ex partner would announce he slept with someone else, I knew something was up by his body language that evening. My intuition told me something is wrong, but I didn’t realise it would be this. Following this devastating news I find out he’d also talk to other girls on dating apps moments after we were close and intimate.

I wanted to stay ignorant, I wish I never knew so I didn’t have to deal with the pain.
This time, he isn’t coming back. He was the last person in my life that hadn’t left; my trauma prior to this has been so immense that not many people have bothered sticking around. I’ve finally found I’m now alone in this world. But the biggest realisation for me is that you can think you know someone, inside out. He would constantly reassure me that I’m the only girl for him, I’m gorgeous in every way for him. He only has eyes for me. But how wrong I was, now realising that it was a front, my rock and my love has completely betrayed me. Disrespected me, and now I’m left to pick up the pieces. I am not to say he was entirely bad, this is why it’s so hard. I was in love, to the ends of the earths with him; a month before he would make a proposal style gesture for a promise ring with a heart inside to say he will never leave and I have his heart. But unfortunately I didn’t quite have the rest of his anatomy.

I know many people will share my feelings in their own stories of infidelity and cheating. As a BPD sufferer, I’d always worry he would leave me, or find someone better than me, the thought of him leaving my life was horrific and painful.
It’s such a crushing feeling of total violation and a loss of trust. I question myself, was it me? Was I not good enough? Was she what he wanted? I wish it never happened, sometimes I wished I stayed ignorant. But that is my denial still at play. I don’t know how I can move onto trust another, when you were once so convinced they were the most loyal and faithful person you’ve met. I still feel sick, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep without crying. Heartbreak is killing my soul inside. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #cheating #Affair #abandonment #Abandoned #Depression #lonely #Fp #Grief #Loss

we don't talk with my fp anymore. l feel so empty and purposeless. What can l do 😔 #Fp #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

Lately I’ve been missing my ex.

To be more specific and honest, what I’ve missed is the way I felt when I was with him. Every day was an overwhelming feeling of joy and love, that sometimes (eventually most of the time) was created by my brain telling me that finally someone was willing to love me, than what was really happening.

When this relationship ended I was left heart broken and plain broken. My main thought that I was finally being loved turned against me, saying now that I was loveless and empty. It took me a while (plus meds and therapy time) to understand that I was surrounded by love, in all kinds of forms.

But I created a wall, invisible but steady, preventing this and all kinds of love to really reach. If it can’t touch you it can’t hurt you, right? However, I’ve been missing the feeling, and I’m also too scared to let me feel that joy again, with the preconception that I might get hurt and broken again.

Is it worth it to put walls as a precaution? Even though this may keep people outside. Or should I try and try again? With the hopes that this time it might actually work. #Fp #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #Depression #Anxiety

I was too much for him, and that’s okay. I can’t be mad that he didn’t save me. I can’t even save myself. That’s the only way I don’t get too depressed over my failed relationship. I loved him. I love him. But it’s okay. I will fill the space with meaningless sex until I am loved again.

#Relationships #Fp #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Sex
#Selfharm #Depression #Love #hypersexual