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Competitive Sport

By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

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#PositiveThinking #goingout #Birthday Sometimes we are more

Sometimes we are more than we think we are. For almost all my life and ESP since I became sick I have always been confused about my personality. Sometimes I'm super confident or I feel super confident like I can conquer the world but then other times I feel helpless like I can't cope with anything and I need help and support. Not saying I don't need help or support but for someone like me who has a degree and looks a certain way, asking for help gets met with 'you look fine there's nothing wrong with you' 'You don't look like you have a mental illness' 'Living in supported housing doesn't suit you. ' All these things have crushed me so much because I have so many goals in life. I want love, I want close friendships I want fun, financial stability. Everyday I go round and round in my head how I can have these things as in the past i always fucked up trying to get these things (sorry for swearing don't know if its allowed.) I know I'm not going to figure out all these things in one day. However days like today give me hope that I'll get there and I'll tell you why. Every year, my birthday I get the blues and anxiety. I gave up on trying to get myself to feel good on my birthday by asking people to let's do things. They would always either let me down or sometimes it would just me me and another person and it would feel awkward and I would be reminded of how much of a "loser" I was. Tomorrow is my birthday. As usual I woke up with anxiety today. My anxiety began last night. I was in tears when I was sleeping and I had to take medication. Today I woke up with my period coming on a 2nd time this month 😴. I told myself 'YOU DESERVE LOVE. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO WANT TO HAVE PEOPLE AROUND THAT LOVE YOU TOMORROW' I know that's obviously not what's going to happen. However I decided I needed to go out anyway to the doctors for prescription meds for my periods. I was surprised when I left the house. I'd been nervous all week about going out because I need to do my shopping. I put in my earphones and felt noting but confidence and bravado. Yes my anxiety was still there but I felt so happy. I'm not sure why because the last time I went out I was really down.. Positive thoughts filled my head. It's possible for us to be happy and not sad alll the time. It's possible for us to have days when we believe that we can actually have that life we want. I don't have many days like when I feel like a 'normal person' like I'm having today so I'm savouring it for as long as it lasts . Not to sound cheesy but I deal with negative thoughts nearly every day. If ((I)) can feel inspired hope this inspires someone never to give up hope