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Competitive Sport

By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

#self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

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My Ginger Cat

#Cats are among the best snuggle buddies besides my #Dogs . I love my furbabies. They have gotten me through some really tough times. Tonight when I sat at the table, my cat came back up to me, just like he did in this earlier photo, just to spend time with me. He will meow at me with this sort of purr sound, and slowly bat his paw at me. I can hug him and he lets me. I really needed the hug.

It has been a difficult week for me. Particularly Saturday, when I had a #PanicAttack and could not seem to catch my breathing. The hyperventilating was something I kept working with as my chest just wanted to keep going fast. It's almost as if it was an involuntary muscles reaction, vs something I was choosing to do. I cried. I could not work. I felt like I have been fighting the attendance points system for so long.

I had refused to accept #defeat or #failure from causing me to be held back. I keep trying and keep thinking about what it is that I want to do. My disorder won't let me forget that it is there... Lurking in the shadows for when my body is hormonally sensitive then it makes it's attack. I hate it.

While I await intermittent FMLA qualifications to be met, I am left curious and hoping that I reach the required federal hours worked soon. I am going to continue to try to do my best in a very awkward way.

Please pray for me that I do not fall victim to the attendance points system and lose my job over the disorder I cannot control from never happening or experiencing symptoms or flare ups. I refuse to give up. I close to stay gold sndbi-hh



Continuous #Pain #Heartache #defeat #lost

Hard to motivate myself with out my babies. Tried so hard for sobriety and change & even while clean ,in a program & housing where you raise your babies she was taken away.... Was strong in recovery for a few months after and now I've fallen and can't get up. Now court & trial is coming up fast for my middle child and I feel defeated & stale getting through the days slowly and unhappy and terribly lost without my littles. My social worker is inexperienced and rather go against me and then with me helping my kids and helping me help my kids and being with them. The effects of not mothering them hurts to a painfully crippling speed...
#mcfd #can #suck #It


I'm tired #Depression #defeat #abyss

I'm tired. It seems like there is no end in sight. I don't remember where the weekend went. I wasn't drunk. I don't want to do anything. I don't like my life. I am applying for jobs and trying to motivate myself to do things, but being isolated is much harder than I thought. I'm in a waiting period. I'm in limbo. Thee is no light at the end of the tunnel.



Over the last few weeks, I have been really digging in with a lifestyle change. I decided to use #myfitnesspal and really try and make a difference for myself.
I began a #ketogenic change, and over the course of two weeks, I lost 6 pounds!
For someone like me, my weight is a huge self esteem issue. I was 95 pounds soaking wet as a teen, and in my early twenties I weighed 116.
Now, at 26, I weighed in at 243.8 Saturday. When I began this change, I weighed in at 252. I felt such a sense of #dread and #defeat looking at the almost 300 lb monster I had become.
#Depression had consumed me and I became a #stresseater .
Now, I am happily on my way to changing this, with the mindset #ireallycandothis !
I hope this continues because even just 6 pounds and I feel like a hero.