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Competitive Sport

By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

#self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

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Life is a blessing #HiddenBlessings #Life #Concuring #winning

I usually just post when I’m in a bad place but for once I wanted to post at a good time.
I haven’t been able to eat or really drink for the past 2 months due to #Gastroparesis Well guess what?! They have me scheduled for a feeding tube and fluids for the next month, however all of our prayers have been answered! Yesterday I ate and drank like I was trying to make up for what I’ve missed. This morning I don’t have any ill feeling except a sore throat. I feel very blessed and fortunate! Thank you for celebrating my achievement with me! Have a wonderful Sunday!


I Finally Didn’t Get Crucified on FB!!! #winning

Lol! I actually didn’t get hate trolled on FB on my Handmaid’s Tale article! I think it’s a first. I’m celebrating like a boss. 😂😂😂😂

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Little “wins” for the week

I made bread for the first time and DID NOT mess it up. I cannot express how happy this made me. What was your “win” this week? Caregiving doesn’t leave much time for anything sometimes. This dough comes together in MINUTES and all you have to do is toss it in the oven for 30 minutes.

#winning #Accomplishments #ChronicIllness #RareDisorder #Caregiving


I'm feeling good today! #winning #Anxiety

Today I received some amazing news! After having issues with a fellow employee and after several complaints about them, I am getting moved to a different position that I had interest in within my company! After I received the news my mood just instantly went up and my nausea from my #Anxiety went away! I hope my mood stays like this since I don't have to directly work with that employee any more :)

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Winning in Losing #Loss #winning #ToxicRelationships #Lettinggo

I’ve lost a lot this past year. Abusive marriage, friendships I thought would last, maybe my job, my many things. But I’ve gained a completely new and stronger self. So I’ll take this as a win instead of a loss. And I hope you also can find hope in the messiness of life. 🌻


Control. I have my own desires, dreams and beliefs. I have a domineering person in my life that is a part of my Mental Illness support network.

Freedom and peace. Freedom and peace. I am 44 years young and have been controlled by a domineering person in my life. I am in need of freedom and peace. I unfortunately and fortunately got myself into financial/legal trouble. My only help was/is the domineering person. I recently was hospitalized for a psychotic break. I had made so much progress. The root cause was depression/suicidal feelings acted out by disrupting my Mental Illness self care regimen. I lied about my thoughts and behavior to family and community friends. Despite having a lot of love and support in my life, I struggle with self hate/fear and GUILT. Fear of being alone when this domineering person passes away and fear of the evil in the world. Paranoid thoughts centered around religion. I truly am HAPPY when I am creating. I'm a writer/indie published author and graphic designer (Novice but love it). I am overwhelmed by constantly stressing out about FIXING EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. I am learning that GOD has that job I am supposed to recovering from my recent hospitalization. All day everyday I obsess over fixing my life myself. I'm an ambitious, egotistical visionary. I am not going to give up. This is all a big test and resilience is in my DNA. If you feel like I do I welcome your thoughts
and experience. God bless you and keep on Winning by being yourself, enjoy your gifts/talents. Smile, laugh and focus on Light instead of darkness. You're here for a reason. Love Light Optimistic beliefs are tools to succeed/endure/ WIN😉 #mental Illness, #successful Life, #winning , #Gratitude ,#overcoming Fear, #overcoming Depression

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Oh No #Thursdaysgiggles #Youhavetolaughorcry #laughterisgoodmedicine

Oh No

That stupid moment when you have your pill bottle in front of you
You cant remember if you took it or not !!!!!

Do you laugh! Cry or ? What !?

Hope n pray you took them already 😳❣💞🙀🐱😂🤞😘🤗

#Giggles #Chatspace #laughter #giggleswithafriend #Chatting #Vent #rant #Talking #Havingalaught #Lovenhugs #Bekind #checkonyourneighbours #Loveyourselffirst #Kindness #winning #winningatlife #Selfcare #Hugsallround

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I haven't worn makeup in a while. It's definitely been over a year. Not because of any mental thing, or anything like that. I just thought I didn't need it; that I was pretty enough without it. And that is still the case. But my roommate has been talking about teaching me how to do my makeup, because she thinks I will feel much more of my badass self when I wear it. Well, today I did my makeup, step by step with her directions. And you know what? She was right! Tomorrow we're gonna do even more makeup stuff, but this is what I did today! I'm now gonna take those steps more often, just to help me feel even better and more my badass self!