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Dear bad pain day

What can I say about this bad pain day except im #Humbled to be in your presence. Am I startled and #hurt that you are here? Absolutely. Do I wish you were gone? 100% for sure.

In spite of that, today, I'm #choosing to #learn from you.

You see, I know I won't be able to do much today. However, I still have a house to maintain. I still have a dog to take care of. I still have to take care of #Myself .

You see, I choose to take this #painful #experience and try to see what all I can do on this day, knowing it won't be much if anything at all. I still walk today with the mindset of how much can I achieve on a day like today?

Not all days will be this rough, but as of today, I have #Hope .

May your days shine bright with hope 💜

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Competitive Sport

By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

#self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

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Shopping Addiction. When #Shopping is beyond #retailtherapy and Breaks the Bank 👀

This cat in the image gives me the face I make when my husband sees me reaching for something to put in the cart and tells me to put it back. I feel like I am so wrong or about to do something that will #hurt me. When things are #Wrong or #IAmStruggling it doesn't feel like I have #power . I feel #powerless .

#shoppingaddiction is real. My mother has it worse than me right now, whereas I have people telling me "No!" And "Put it Back!" Holding me accountable. It still feels hurtful.

I no longer go to stores just to "Look." I cannot go to a store just to "Look around." Especially an issue if I see something and cannot buy it. We are all experiencing some kind of #financial issues. #Medicine is so dang expensive, and that often causes us to fall into a pit. I do not know what to do, but I have been trying things other than talk #Therapy .

I decided to click online "Add to Cart" or "Add to Wishlist." This is common for websites like Amazon or Bath & Body Works. Especially now that the Christmas season is here.. I see things I want to #Buy for other people, or things I want for the #home or for #Myself . It feels #bad .

Have you experienced #shoppingaddiction ?

If so, what do you do?

I need #Advice .


#Myself AGAIN

This past Thursday I had my annual yearly checkup with DR DAVID FEINGOLD to see how my Cerebral Palsy and my Spastic Dysplasia were progressing and DR FEINGOLD came into the room after reading the test results and he said Holly your numbers were outstanding I'm so very proud of you. I never thought that I would hear a doctor tell me that they were proud of me because it has been so long since my numbers got back to an acceptable range. I owe DR DAVID FEINGOLD MY LIFE. He not only helped me to feel better about myself but he has gotten me to a place with my Cerebral Palsy that I never thought that I would see again. I owe DR DAVID FRUMBURG my life as well because he saved my life by referring me to DR DAVID FEINGOLD.Thank you for helping me .HERES TO MANY MORE YEARS TOGETHER I THANK YOU AND MY CEREBRAL PALSY AND SPASTIC DYSPLASIA THANKYOU. The best part is this I'm myself again



#Anxiety climbing and it won't stop until...

I sent a package to a friend overseas. I really don't like their customs system. They have ripped apart 2 teddy bears in front of a 7 year old looking for contraband. Put cuffs on my friend over a $10 bill in a birthday card (apparently I didn't read the fine print). Now, they have arrested him and his friend that accompanied him to pick the package up over a document that I put in the box because they think we are trying to scam their government. It is additional documentation their government requested for a tourist visa application. They have confiscated his phone, items sent, money and taken him and his friend home and searched both of their apartments for additional evidence. Seriously? I am #Heartbroken , #anxious and feeling totally #hopeless . This man has saved me from #si , #Myself , #MDD , and most days, #Anxiety . He borrowed a friend's phone to lmk what was going on but I am still #Worried , #anxious , and #lost . The PD says they are going to call me to confirm, really? From a foreign country? I am so #scared for them right now. He is one of the only people that checked in with me when I was in the hospital for #si . 🙏💔😭



When I look into the mirror I can’t recognize myself do you know why. Can u share ur experience with me please:) #mirror #Myself


I hate hating myself so much.. But I can't stop it either. I've tried so many different things. I get days where I feel like a 4/10 but most days I feel 0/10.
There's nothing I like myself and I know me having zero confidence brings my partner down too... But I can't stop 😭

#MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #Confidence #hate #Myself

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My Self #Myself #Depression #lonely

I am a colony of one
Standing firmly alone
Arm in arm with those who love only
The me that they have known.
I am my thoughts
Through them my actions are clear
My heart beats proudly
Yet I tremble in fear.
I have darkness inside
Too deep for most to see
There is pain deep within,
Most cannot fathom that me.
I stand for honesty
Yet lie, to myself and to you
I am not impervious to judgment
And hide what I wish I never knew.
The me you want, is who you will know
Even so, that me is not all that I am.
So I stand alone, a colony of one, many, all, and none.
Arm in arm with all I cherish, love, and have.
Willing to sacrifice everything to see you safe.

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selflove #Myself #careaboutyourself #mariner #seaman

Treat yourself to some special and amazing moments. No one deserves bette than you do!

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