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Competitive Sport

By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

#self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

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For those with #SexualTrauma , how did you (or have you) discovered the #triggers for your #PTSD ?

In my twenties, I experienced a total of 7 sexual traumas, from sexual assault, to molestation, to #Daterape . I was also drinking heavily at the time. Now, I’ve been married almost 11 years, have cut down my #Drinking (no drunkenness), but randomly I get #triggered , and it’s so bad I can’t let my husband touch me past anything but a hug. One time, it took a full year to get over one of these spells. My problem is, I don’t know what sets me off! Sometimes I’ll get creeped out by a strange person, or overhear conversations, but nothing concrete. Any suggestions? Should I try EMDR (again- I tried it a few sessions, but maybe the therapist wasn’t the right fit)?
Sorry this was so long. For context, I am a 37 yr old straight female married to a man. All assaults were perpetrated by men. None were caught or prosecuted. No Justice. #MeToo

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Managed to get to my PT appt

My caregiver came back today for few hours and oh my goodness was I glad!
#anxiett Y was brewing this morning.
Been managing lots of idle time this week.
#chronic pain #Distract me #positive thoughts #check in with me #using grounding techniques and distraction techniques to get through the week ##breast cancer survivor,#seasonal affective ##Drinking lots of water #
Getting ready to watch some TV and relax.
Signing off mighties


Big #Anxiety spike #CPTSD

Just did a deep dive #DBT technique. Not really good at it but it helped. I also poured out the alcohol.

The distress that #Drinking and COVID are catalyzing is now catalyzing positive change.

I can do this.
I can do this.


#Drinking #Bipolar2Disorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

I’ve been drinking and smoking more than usual. I know a lot of people say smoking is bad but I’m careful but when my mental health is declining my drinking and smoking increases and it’s getting bad and with everything going on I don’t even know where to start right now. I know I need to slow down but saying and doing are different things and it’s so hard.


Struggling to not #Selfharm

So much has been going on over the past year and my usual way of coping is to #Selfharm. My way of doing so is #Drinking excessively to the point of blacking out or engaging in other behaviors that are risky and possibly dangerous. I have managed to not do much of those things for a while now, but have been finding it harder to
resist retreating to old behaviors to
soothe my pain. I am unsure what to do here. #Sendhelp
#Depression #Anxiety


Confessing my rape from 3 yrs ago - mistake

My husband accused me of cheating for years ... I didn’t... the small town started so many rumors ... i lived with it kept it in; didn’t want him having images, didn’t report it only went to the ER for all the meds and stuff. Tox screen showed I was drugged. We’re already separating bc he thought I was cheating... I didn’t wanna tell him. Today I told him it all... everything I’ve been living with ... the pain, shame, guilt, disgust. We haven’t been talking much ... I think he doesn’t believe me ... even though a year ago he found the emails I sent my bosses of a sexual assault ... I lied and said I made it up. He says he loves me but he needs to be left alone right now. All I want is a hug. Say it’s not my fault.

#Rape #Shame #Drinking


was kind of wondering if I might have undiagnosed adhd because of the prevalence of it in my sister and dad because my ability to pay attention to and process pretty much anything from intellectual matter to regular conversations has gotten so much more impossible that usual in the last 2 weeks. but after a call to my psychiatrist and having her remind me of my alcohol intake.... I'm now panicking I have brain damage :). I've had a tendency to have 1-2 drinks most nights for the last few years with about 2 months worth of days overall (not consecutively) sober.... I've never hated myself more 😭🤦‍♀️ #Drinking #attentionproblems #ADHD

* I have had symptoms of adhd since childhood and persistently got low grades in school which i think promoted my depression, thinking I'm stupid - it just only got worse and unmanageable in the last 2 weeks. which is NOT good because I have an exam on Monday!!!!

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Does anyone else sometimes feel guilty when they go out and have fun with their friends?

I know it sounds bizarre but I always feel guilty when I have fun. That “why did I do that?” feeling. When I’m out and about my doctors are the angels on my shoulder and my friends are the little devils haha. My closest friends never treat me as though I’m different so I forget that I’m not normal for a few precious moments. I feel as though I should have stayed home, exercised, and eaten a salad, totally unappealing but still. Just wondering if anyone else feels this guilt when they have fun with their friends. #Health #Dystonia #CongenitalHeartDefectDisease #Stroke #Drinking #Friends