Hypertension

I wake up real early every morning with extreme anxiety thinking about my estranged son with undiagnosed BPD. My heart is racing at 85-90 bpm(I have an Apple Watch and I measure it). My average resting heartrate is around 60-65bpm. I have high blood pressure and this concerns me. I just don’t know how to shake this. My therapist tells me to continue to do what I feel is right in reaching out to him or I may regret it. However, it’s adversely affecting my health by doing so. The only time my son responds is if it’s something directly related to him. Anything else gets completely ignored. No acknowledgement whatsoever. We live 1224 miles from each other. I’ve been visiting other family 15 minutes away from him twice now since the estrangement and he doesn’t want to see me. How do I help myself? I feel helpless and hopeless when I wake up with this every morning.

I woke up at 11:30 or so to an urgent voice whispering that said: "good dog, good dog."

As I sat up, my eyes were drawn to one of my windows. It was someone in a Darth Vader mask who had peeked their head around my window cooler to look in my room.

Normally I sleepwalk and hallucinate, I never am fully awake but during this I absolutely was aware and terrified. I pretended to casually grab my phone. I called my mom and dad who take care of me but got only voicemail. I was shaking and so I called 911 so whoever it was would know I was asking for the police. The mask through my window disappeared and I ran to wake up my parents.

Years ago in our first house someone broke into our front window where my Lil bros room was. They cut the screen. But unexpectedly I had set the alarm that night so it went off. My parent thought I had wrongly set off the alarm and then fell asleep hard. It wasn't until my brother got home from school that he noticed the cut screen (we lived down the street from a drug house where we had people on drugs stealing and breaking in and scaring all our neighbors all the time. They even had an attempted murder where a girlfriend was chained up and stabbed multiple times.)

Yeah, dark stuff. We found out the alarm had been set off when the wannabe thief tried to open my brothers window. That scared the bad guy away. My parents thought it was me so they told the security it was nothing but after us all talking we filed a report and thanks to our cameras the police got him.

So flash forward to last night where it was my bedroom window at the front of the house hidden by a bush even. We have had people break into vehicles and take things so it makes sense to me that not only was I not sleepwalking but it was very real. But my parents don't believe me. Again. The people who mean the most to me never believe me and I have to fight hard against any tiny doubts in their minds. I am so sick of it and I was and still am terrified of what happened. But I seem to be the only one who cared.

Family can be great but they can also cut the deepest. 😥

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