highly sensitive

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Abuse recovery

I’m one week into my breakup with the most verbally abusive man I’ve ever been with. The neck grabbing, shirt grabbing, breaking my things in complete anger and yelling. How does one recover from this??? I know I need some serious help because I’m noticing a reliance of alcohol and medical weed, I’m debating on admitting myself into Shepherd Pratt which is an mental hospital which separates you by disorders. My parents are really telling me to just go to a psychiatrist and therapy but then I have to pay to go. You don’t have to pay anything supposedly. I don’t know. #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #PTSD #HighlySensitive #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #MightyQuestions #AbusiveRelationship #Selfharm #Therapy

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I suck

Not sure where to start been looking into councillors and psychologists and contacting them etc but does anyone have that poor of mental health where they think they are beyond help?

I’m on 40mg of citalopram a day and they help compared to not being on them, but it don’t cure what’s deep inside. The misery I’ve felt daily for 19 years that’s been patched up with pills.

Of course going to try with the support, but for a very long time 19 years exactly I have been stuck with these feelings of anxiety, depression, paranoia, HSP and low self esteem also fuelled by current and past trauma with bad relationships, some family and old friends. So it would be nice to hear others experiences to or expert advice. I’ve only ever seen a councillor once at the age of 17 and that was an unpleasant experience now 32.

I suppose opening up these thoughts today also gets me down then I’m thinking I really do suck.

Any psychologists on here let me know :-) I may even be able to help if someone has an issue with something to.

#deppression #Depression #Anxiety #MajorDepressiveDisorder #HSP #empathic #ParanoidPersonalityDisorder #Trauma #MajorDepressiveDisorder #HighlySensitive

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Is being sensitive different than being considered a #HighlySensitive Person? You bet it is.

So, I've only this week come to a new personal revelation regarding my awareness and sensitivity. I have #CPTSD and have been diagnosed with #Bipolar2Disorder , as well as some other things. I have always believed that I am SO hypersensitive and hyper-aware of other people and my external, and internal, surroundings because of the hypervigillance from my #CPTSD . And I still think that's true, to some degree.
But I've been delving into and learning about #HSP or Highly Sensitive People. I'd heard that phrase many times, but I thought it meant someone who gets their feelings hurt easily, which I do, so I assumed I fit that category and left it at that.
Well. It turns out getting one's feelings hurt easily can be a trait of these mysterious HSPs, but that's only a tiny part of it. Highly Sensitive People have hypersensitive nervous systems, which makes them hypersensitive to most external (and internal) stimuli. This is not a disorder, but actually a personality trait, and can be biologically measured. Also, HSPs process information much more deeply than the general population. HSPs often have sensitivity to light and sound. Yes! They notice subtleties... Everything I have read about the subject pertains to me, except most HSPs seem to have a sensitivity to caffeine, and I do not. I am also not shy and or afraid of conflict. Apparently 30% of HSPs are extroverted. But the people who write this are obviously introverts because they mention that extroverts make up 30% of HSPs, then spend 7 chapters on introversion and shyness. (I am sensitive to this seeming "dismissal" of the extroverted HSP LOL). I am also not self-conscious when being watched, I am literally an actress- quite literally.
One description I read stated: If you are having a conversation and a HSP, and y'all are by some windows, and the light from the window is in the eyes of the person you're talking to, you will automatically get up and close the blinds. I genuinely thought everyone would do this, common courtesy! But no. HSPs do that because they 1)Notice the light from the blinds-How do you NOT notice that, come on. 2) Perceive this person might be uncomfortable, and do an action that you feel might help. All without the other person saying a word.
Noise. I play my music so freaking loud! So I thought clearly I have no issue with sound. No. I am in control of my music and I like the way it sounds. However, DISCORDANT sounds, like chaos is a busy grocery store or honking and yelling in traffic, constriction, ambulances, helicopters hovering, or sudden unexpected loud sounds in general are EXTREEEMELY upsetting for me. Once in college, I was at a lecture, and the person behind me was eating chips, crinkling the bag. And chewing. After about 40 min of this I was so enraged that I stood up and shouted at the person to stop being so inconsiderate- "WHY WOULD YOU NOT PUT THE CHIPS ON A PAPER TOWEL INSTEAD OF CRINKLING THE BAG EVERY TIME YOU GOT A CHIP! COMMON COURTESY!" Well, I'm discovering that's not "common courtesy". Chances are he, and virtually everyone in the class didn't even hear the bag or the crunching, most people would not even HEAR that, let alone be bothered by it.
I am deeply moved when I see works of art- and can be so for days. I will cry in a cathedral or because of a painting. I cry when driving down the street and I see someone who is homeless and obviously mentally ill- I start thinking about the fact it's unlikely he'll get the help he needs, then look at the mental health care in the United States and how we are failing the mentally ill, then I'll cry and be messed up about that for days.
And the movie "Joker". That movie ripped my insides out, I cannot describe the pain I felt, and the subsequent sobbing for days and days. I saw it in the theater, and I will cry about it now at the drop of a hat. I didn't see it as entertainment. For me, "Joker" was an evaluation of the mental health care system in the U.S., how the mentally ill are treated, and the consequences that come with ignoring the mentally ill. Yet people thought that movie was so entertaining. How is watching an innocent mentally challenged man repeatedly being abused and hurt and neglected entertaining- that was the entire movie. How is that funny? I admit, I am still pretty upset about that.
I've always thought that the majority of people on this earth are a bunch of unfeeling, unseeing, selfish Jerks who don't care about going deeply into anything unless it affects THEM, which hurts society.
So now I'm rethinking everything. I am definitely a Highly Sensitive Person, but I also have a history of extreme childhood trauma and abuse, and that combination overlaps so much, especially the hypervigillance. I have no idea how that will all come together. There are never easy answers. I may never know.
And now I have a lot of anger to work through. All of the people around who could have helped when i was a child- they saw a horrible situation (but did they even see it?) I was certainly verbal about it! They saw all of this and did not help, did not stop to consider the ramifications of what abuse could do to a child. I honestly don't think that ever even crossed their minds.
I've spent my life angry towards most other people because I feel they choose to stay on the superficial side of things because it's comfortable, and they choose to ignore important things because it's less comfortable. Now I'm seeing I'm in the minority. I'm the odd duck, not them. 10-20% of the population are HSPs (that's what the research now, says).
And there is so much more information that i don't know!!!
This is all new to me, but i'm learning. And the validation of my own sanity is so awesome! But how frustrating to have this personality trait in this world- compounded by Complex PTSD, and a host of other issues...

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Searching meaningful connection

I am learning to accept that as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) I feel and experience life very differently to most of the people in my life. Coping with an increased or deeper central nervous system sensitivity to physical, emotional or social stimuli on a daily basis is no easy task but becomes an extremely frustrating one when trying to help people understand this important fact in order to keep meaningful connections with people who matter to you.

In order to deal and cope with sometimes extremely hurtful situations that can develop from a lack of care or understanding towards each other, the difficult practise of decreasing feelings for others or restricting yourself being available to those who represent unhealthy triggers, is necessary for your own personal health, survival and continuing growth.

People can only meet you at the level of development they are at themselves – all you can wish for is that the people you care for (learn to) accept diversity without having to be pushed for you to be seen, heard or acknowledged.

“We find comfort among those who agree with us – growth among those who don’t” – Frank A. Clark

#HSP #HighlySensitive #INFJ #highlysensitivepersons #CPTSD #Anxiety

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The Value of Boundaries

I realized that I have lived most of my life without setting solid boundaries for myself. Why do I need boundaries? My whole life I hoped to get to know people better and people to get to know me. Why would I want to keep people out or make it more difficult for them to get to know me than it already is for them…?!

As a child, I didn’t learn that boundaries create a necessary separateness that allows you to have your own feelings, make your own decisions, and know and ask for what you want without needing to please others. Unfortunately, I wasn’t fortunate enough to grow up with a good role model showing me that respecting myself is the most important thing I could possibly do for myself while teaching others how I wanted to be treated myself. Oh, the confusion as to why people I loved always seem to take advantage of good intentions and the open heart on my sleeve!…

I am aware that I might sound vague, naive and simple-minded… but this simply wasn’t taught to me. I wasn’t shown as a child that I was just as important as everybody else, that I had a voice that mattered and indeed how to use it. In fact, it was the opposite that mattered: Respect was counterproductive to my family’s dynamics. As a child it only mattered to be heard not seen and do what you were told. Be a good girl and, if you are lucky, you may were thrown a crumb of love. I did what I had to to survive and learned to trust nobody but myself.

I am aware that as a HSP, I always took it all to heart much too deeply: Even still today it is not unusual for me to relive those moments that did hurt the most – simply triggered back into existence by somebody’s ignorant remark, thoughtless behaviour or selfish action and lack of respect. Sometimes the darkness of ‘not being enough’ to be celebrated, respected or valued for who I am – not who some think I am supposed to be – does indeed ask for much of my attention, awareness and compassion as to avoid spiralling into the ‘sadness rabbit hole’… Your understanding then means everything to overcome.

Somehow though, I have learned to accept this sadness in my life – it is sadness NOT unhappiness as some might think – I am not unhappy but have every reason to be happy in my life. Yet… I am sad. Thoughtfully sad, contemplative and introspective while trying to make sense of things and find the deeper reasons as to reflect, learn and grow.

My sadness feels like grief. Grief for something I have never had or known, yet always looked for all my life. I do feel sadness for the little girl who gave it her all to do her very best in order to please, already knowing it would never be enough. Sadness for the grown and ageing woman, realising that pleasing others was indeed the very thing that laid the foundation of her voicelessness and disrespect from others while blocking visibility she now battles to achieve for herself.

My path starts with setting healthy emotional boundaries – an imaginary line that separates me from you while allowing me to be myself. It separates your physical space, your feelings, needs, and responsibilities from mine and allows me to be my true self without the need of pleasing anybody else.

xox ❤ xox

#HSP #HighlySensitive #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #Childhoodemotionalneglect #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #PTSD #ComplexPTSD #CPTSD

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where I get lost to find myself

This is where I ground myself. I need this place like I need breathing. It's where I go when I can no longer distinguish who I am and who you are, where I forget myself and find myself.

Lately, I have come here often. I arrive lost, low in energy and spirit, my outlook depressed, sucked dry and spent of any will to try again.

I enter the forest knowing it will save me. It will tickle my appreciation until it wants to be alive again, showing me the beauty of life around me, showing me what really matters.

I walk the paths,

I sit and contemplate,

I meditate if my breath allows it.

Appreciation is my meditation.

I emerge with renewed strength - calmer, relaxed, rejuvenated and joyful. Where did this joy come from?? I believe that nature is powerful and if you are open to be moved (ie vulnerable), as well as empty (in the now) to welcome that power offered by nature, it will help to find your perspective.

Much love... xox

#HSP #HighlySensitive #highsensitivity #INFJ #Depression #CPTSD #Childhoodtrauma

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Untangling Fibres of Me

Most of my life I wished to be me, and for you to stay you. I wished that your feelings stay yours to handle, your darkness yours to deal with and your uneasiness yours to overcome.

You didn’t want me to see your troubles and I didn’t ask for them to be mine. Yet, those tears keep flowing as I untangle mine from yours to wash away feelings that do not belong to me.

It takes many days of solace to untangle. Many days to attend to thoughts that family gatherings, unexpected news and memories that resurfaced from the past, have once again left their mark on me.

Memories of a lifetime that make themselves known, unprovoked and uninvited, asking to re-live each moment, each word, each thought, each feeling – every single one as strong as many years ago.

#HSP #HighlySensitive #HighlysensitivePerson #empath #CPTSD #ComplexPTSD #Depression

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Can’t sleep #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Insomnia

Anyone else out there who can’t sleep right now? I think I’m physically ill from the stress in my household. My stomach is keeping me awake, my body feels like it’s soaking up the negative energy like a sponge, I’m fantasizing about a new life. #empath #HighlySensitive


Feeling like I don't fit

I'm glad I found this group. My therapist actually recommended I look for other HSPs on here.

So many times I feel like such an outsider. I have to act like I like my job and my bosses even though they're terrible people. I feel like a piece of my soul dies each time I put on a smile and compliment them and their work (does anyone else struggle this much with being fake?). Being in the corporate world is so hard.

I started this job a year ago. Yesterday I got a bad (and I thought unfair) review for the first time in 12 years. I've been trying my best but I'm not being set up for success by the people I work for. They constantly criticize my work, tell me it's not good enough without offering any actionable feedback, and tell me to be a different person ("meaner"). They're aggressive and it throws me completely off my game and makes me shut down. I've only had one other bad review in my entire career and it was at an equally toxic workplace.

I cried for an hour and a half yesterday (luckily I work from home and didn't have any meetings after my review).

Today I woke up feeling embarrassed that I reacted that strongly. I had to remind myself that I feel things very deeply and that's who I am.

Do you all struggle in this way too?

#HighlySensitive #PTSD #CPTSD