innerself

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One (RANT) DAY at a TIME

I’ll have #Gooddays & I’ll have bad, though I’m still constantly struggling with my #innerself daily. There are a lot of things I know I have to do, but either my #Anxiety gets worked up, or I’ll try to get it done, or I tell and/or give myself reminders & still somehow end up forgetting about it or I’ve become distracted.

I’ve noticed that my train of thought can now go all over the place. Which is why I now have a lot of notebooks that I could use if I needed to let it out.

When it comes to phone calls I need to make, or appointments to schedule… I spend hours worrying about the #Start - #during - & #End of the whole thing. Before I know it, I can’t call because they’re now closed. Of course now I’ve become #Irritated & #angry at myself.

It never used to be this hard. I know I need to find a job, even IF the job I had #terminated me in part of my #MentalIllness . I feel stuck with no #Positivity in site. & It doesn’t help that even with or without my anxiety ramping up, my #Pride will not let me ask for help.

But…
•I give myself a ‘thumbs up’ daily for getting out of bed.
• I cheer when I have motivation to shower.
• I pat myself on the back, in my mind of course… when I do laundry & put them away.

I still struggle with driving anywhere if I’m alone. Hunter, who is my furbaby soulmate, but also my #esa is always by my side, & either one of my sons or sometimes both would join me so I’m not freaking out while driving on the road.

I feel #Guilt that I’m not being the mom that they need me to be. I feel bad every single time I ask them for help (when I’m getting #overwhelmed trying to tidy up the house). I am mad that my #breakdown caused me to fail in my performance at work & that I #Struggled to do the things they asked of me (because I was never informed from the start that there was info that they could show me & help me with #FMLA ‘cause it would’ve been easy back then to get things in order than it was a couple of months ago). I felt #invisible . I felt my #Voice didn’t matter. I tried… all by myself… in the end, the company I loved working at didn’t give a … about me.

I’m sorry for ranting about nonsense. :(

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Selfless Acts or an External Inner Fight., You Decide... #

Sooner or later a day will come when you start feeling a little less broken and damaged, you along with other people will notice you smiling more, and even reaching out more with a sense of wanting to be included. They will say your finally healing and getting over what broke you so badly and your back to being your "old self"..... You begin to constantly worry about disappointing them, it's always been your greatest fear after all. So you keep the truth a secret and push it all down deep inside you to be your burden and no one else's, you'll take it to your grave for their benefit.... They will never know feeling broken so long can eventually feel safe and is a comfort to you knowing what you don't fix or heal ever risks being broken again #Depression #BipolarDiorder #innerself

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