Transman

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    Feeling that suicidal itch

    So this week my docs told me I now have type 2 diabetes and have at some point in the recent past have suffered from a heart attack, must have been mild because I had no idea, but with a shit life history in general, mother who never wanted me, uncle who abused me, being made homeless, father getting in touch and then saying he wants nothing to do with me all before the age of twelve then after that I was put of steroids for asthma and swelled up to become obese fair to say my life has been spent in isolation unintentionally but just the way it went, now only being 32 being told that, after suffering from depression for over a decade, I don't know if I can continue the suffering of life itself.
    If an animal was suffering we put it down to be humane but why is that not acceptable for humans why is suicide not acceptable when suffering is too much, I have never had much quality of life and been alone for far too long.
    #Depression #Anxiety #Transman #Diabetes #Agoraphobia #Asthma

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    Struggling

    Been alone for years but lately it's become unbearable, struggling to fight intrusive self harming thoughts really need some reassurance to get through this batch of rock bottom #ChronicDepression #Depression #Anxiety #Asthma #Transgender #Transman #EhlersDanlosSyndrome

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    Breast biopsy and concerns

    I am having a biopsy this morning. It took me a while to fall asleep last night, and I only got a few interrupted hours before waking up with my mind racing. There are a lot of factors making this difficult. Of course the cancer scare. My mom had breast cancer. But also, I had shoulder surgery 6 weeks ago and I have very limited range of motion on the same side as the lumps and enlarged lymph node. I am going to have to have my arm in a position that is going to be uncomfortable for much, much longer than it has been in for a very long time. This procedure could interfere with the repair I just had (rotator cuff repair, biceps tenodesis, and debridement). My surgeon suggested I postpone it, but the radiologist was firm that she didn't want to wait longer than 2 weeks after the ultrasound. It's been 2 weeks and I just got out of the sling a few days ago. The surgeon is worried about it freezing from the increased pain, not that the procedure itself will damage anything. So I am concerned. I am going to work closely with my physical therapist.

    I am also very uncomfortable going to the breast biopsy clinic as a trans man. The pamphlet they gave me about the procedure said to "wear comfortable clothing and a bra." I had top surgery (a double mastectomy with chest reconstruction) about 11 years ago, but breast tissue is left behind to create contouring so I still have a risk of cancer. I do not wear bras and want to express my displeasure in the wording in their pamphlet. I feel like I am not a patient they include or know anything about. That makes it extremely difficult to feel prepared and comfortable for the biopsy.

    I've also been experiencing a bunch of other symptoms including fatigue, unintentional weight loss, and slightly high white blood cell count for the last year.

    Another concern is the ultrasound report my doctor got. It didn't have any information besides the enlarged lymph node. There was no mention of the lumps. It did say the ultrasound was limited due to recent surgery, but not what the lumps were. I think they told me during the ultrasound, but I don't remember. My memory is poor, especially when I'm anxious, so I asked for my partner to be present for the results. But the radiologist started talking to me before the tech let him in and didn't repeat everything I asked her to. After a week and a half of calling to get answers, they said the radiologist will do a repeat ultrasound at the biopsy.

    Then I have to wait for the pathology results over the holiday.

    This is so overwhelming as a person who already has severe anxiety. I'm grateful to have the support of my chosen family.

    #BreastBiopsy #BreastCancer #Transgender #Transman #rotatorcuffsurgery #Anxiety

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    Excited!

    I'm starting HRT (testosterone specifically) tomorrow!! I'm ecstatic. If anybody has any advice I'd love to hear it. I can't wait!!! #Transgender #trans #Transman #HormoneReplacementTherapy #LGBT

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    Screaming out for help!

    All I keep reading and seeing everywhere is to speak out about your mental health. Stating there is no stigma. But everywhere I look 'Speak out about your mental health'.
    The issue is whenever I have spoken out asking for help it falls on deaf ears. Doctors only want to prescribe medications, community mental health team only want to perform assessments with conclusions and no outcomes. I got in contact with work based help and they said for me to contact them when I need it. When that is exactly what I had done. I call connections and they expect that one phone call to solve everything immediately.
    No one helps look at and overcome the causes of the mental health decline.
    How my job expects me to do the job of 3 people and only ever criticises when I cannot. Never shows praise or appreciation for how much I can do.
    I have one friend to speak of an he is not someone I can call to sit with me through the night if I am scared of my own thoughts.
    I feel like if I did end it all the war inside me would end.
    People always ask once someone has died why they never asked for help.
    I have asked for help repeatedly and nothing has come of it. Realistically once my debts are paid I fear very little is holding me back from just ending it all.
    My life has just been abuse and neglect and now as an adult it is just plain suffering.
    People treat animals more humanly than each other and it darkens my soul.
    I have been trying to build a ladder out of this dark hole I am in but the darkness hides the thrives who steal my ladder at every chance they get. I am 30 years old and have not progressed much further than when I was 19. I am fed up of struggling I have no hope because it gets ripped away and my hole gets deeper each time. I don't think I can make it out of this, this time it too much. #Depression #MentalHealth #Agoraphobia #Anxiety #Pain #Asthma #Transman #Transgender #Fatigue

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    Just so confused.

    So today I woke up and forced myself to shower because last time I had showered was Xmas Eve Eve, I have just had 2 days off which disappeared in a haze. Today I had work then a week off. So thought if I shower today I can be gross for the rest of the week if that's what my mind needs.
    I head to work after remembering to eat a protein flapjack bonus spoon added for the day. But when I get to work (retail) a person had defecated in the enterance to my store and I have to be the one to clean it up. Suffice to say it was disgusting and occupied my whole day near enough. But while at work and dealing with this non-sense my brain felt like I had woken up in a parralelle universe close enough but not. And I have spent all day like this. My friend suggested I search for derealisation disassociation. And it made more sense but at what point did my brain decide to take me on a fuzzy mental holiday to protect itself. So many small things today I struggled with. So many that I should have more feelings than I do, but I don't, I have noticed this many times. Often if a customer gets irate at me I can carry on like nothing happened. But if a colleague experiences the same they become rattled and emotional. I don't know when this stopped for me but it's like nothing effects me. Except loud sudden noises, the bin lid clicks shut and I full body jump. One loud firework bang and I get goosebumps that leave a painful electrical tingle. When did these things get so muddled.

    Would love some ideas for feedback in general.

    #Depression #dpdr #Anxiety #Agoraphobia #confused #Transman #Disphoric #help

    2 comments
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    Why?

    Why is it when you are alive and struggling asking for help here there and everywhere, no help is given.
    But if I were dead they would say why didn't they reach out for help.
    I don't need phone calls that last 20 until the tears stop.
    I need the help that tells you how to keep living when you have nothing to live for except for the daily struggle.
    Honestly don't know what else to do.
    All I can think about is selling all my stuff, paying off my debt, have money for cremation and ending it all.
    Calling the mental health team did nothing, they said to call the GP because I was no longer under their care.
    Do I have to hurt myself before I get real help?
    #Depression #Anxiety #Transman #SufferinginSilence #Agoraphobia #alone #help

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    What do I do?

    For over a year I have been struggling to find a reason to live.
    I decided to go back to university to do Nutrition and Behavior.
    Bit of background, at 27 I had an accident and fractured my spine in 6 places. Left a part time job at Lidls to work for Boots opticians full time. My first full time job so excited got through the training super quick 68% in 2 weeks and it was meant to last 3 months!
    Sadly they fired me with no real reason given.
    Fighting pain daily and the confidence hit was big.
    Finally get a job with H&B health store but my mental health has declined with no reason to live. I decide to go back to uni all excited and everything finally signed and dated.
    The course is only run on a Tuesday. Bare in mind I only work less than 20 hours a week. My boss tells me he will have to cut my hours to replace the Tuesday shift.
    Here in lies the problem. I am on Universal credit, if I work less than 16 hours then I have to work full time looking for full employment so bye bye Uni.
    What the heck am I meant to do. Tuesday is possible without me but my boss just wants to go home early on a Tuesday, this guy has everything and is 5 months younger than me. Wife, kid, house soon, full time job and he is a manager.
    Typical story of people that have it all take everything from those who have nothing.
    My choice
    Uni or financial security.
    I have nothing going for me right now, no money, no family(except mum), no friends, job I tolerate.
    Uni was the only thing I had to look forward to and now I can't have that.
    It was meant to be a way out of this life.
    Even the thought of postponing uni for a year is causing me to fall apart.
    I don't think I can hold on much longer.
    The only thing that has stopped me doing the drastic is the pain it would cause my mum but even that feels like a small reason to keep living through all this loneliness and pain.
    All I can think of is if I could just have a live hug tight and long just something to tell me my life is worth it other than words.
    Work won't care if I'm dead I would be replaced in a heaetbeat.
    I need some real answers to why I shouldn't.
    Because right now I feel like I'm a decade away from having a fraction of a decent life.
    I am trans and the waiting lists are over 5 years.

    #SuicidalThoughts #Depression #Pain #Anxiety #whybother #Agoraphobia #Transman #help

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    Prejudice, discrimination or stereotyping?

    I am a trans man. I was born female and have currently transitioned socially, I dress male, my name is male, I act male.
    Today I called the 'Very' customer service line to enquire about an order. I run through all the questions, full name, DOB, address ect and they kept asking if I was calling on behalf of myself? Then passed me on to another call person who asked all the same info and again asked to talk to Logan I explained that's me this is my account.
    I asked about my issue and they tell me they have closed my account during this phone call I might add and the money I have already paid into the account will be refunded.
    This I have to admit this feels like my first block against services whether it is prejudice, discrimination or stereotyping because to me I was rejected from my account.
    I will admit I am very privileged to be a white person and though I don't discriminate against any colour or religion well maybe against Christianity (too judgy for their own good) but now I have had a small taste of the injustice anyone out of the norm faces.
    #Depression #Anxiety #Agoraphobia #hate #Transman #offended #Discrimination #standtogether #Racism

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    The three words I guess are my current mantra

    I have had an exhausting year this year.
    My 30th birthday may have never existed thanks lockdown.
    I have stayed sober by choice on many occasions I would normally drown myself in rum to numb myself from feeling.
    Lockdown gave me a mental breakdown which showed me what I could really be capable of.
    But now I have almost finished moving house and while physically fighting with my body day to day something new.
    I am obese my bmi 50+ so easily suffering heat exhaustion every other day. But I moved further from work and onto a top floor.
    So while I know my body is in agony right now. It will become stronger and build stamina until one day I can walk home without pausing to breath and climbing 4 flights without resting.
    Just keep going.
    At work I fail this but I am pushing myself beyond my limits. Yes my body fails yes its sort of a mental self harm. But its a healthy one.
    My asthma has stopped me for long enough.
    My weight has held me back long enough.
    My mentality of excuses has held me back long enough.
    JUST KEEP GOING!
    I say this every time I pause for breath.
    And each time I stand and I force the pain and exhaustion to listen to me.
    So for today
    JUST KEEP GOING. #Depression #PTSD #Transman #exhaustion #obese #suisidal #help #Agoraphobia #WeightLoss #Stamina #mantra

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