loner

I wish I were more socially available to people, but unfortunately, I am not. I have to take a lot of breaks from socializing, not by choice but by need. Sometimes, I'm very social on a rare occasion, and I will seize these moments to be available for people as much as possible. I love and care for everyone and wish to show it to them. I sit here at a coffee shop in one of my normal moods, watching people socializing so smoothly and naturally. I envy their ability, but I'm also very happy for them! I could join them, but I know that I will come off as awkward or be unable to keep up with them, I would start to feel drained rather fast, trying to make conversation. But I sit here, listen to their chatter, and absorb their gleeful energy while reading my book. I get myself out to noisy coffee shops for exposure so I don't become a shut-in. Because trust me, being a shut-in always sounds appealing to me most of the time. What are your experiences?

#loner #Autism #Depression #SocialAnxiety #Introvert

##chronic pain #loner# depression#anxiety#mighty together # check in with me

Since having all my chronic problems family and friends went away🤔🤔!

Let go of the idea of perfection. You’re not perfect, you are real. Let yourself be flawed and allow yourself to make mistakes. Recognize that you’re not always going to have it together. Sometimes your heart is going to break, you’re going to get hurt, you’re going to feel pain. Don’t apologize for being broken. Every time you break you become a little more alive. You become more open with yourself. Your strength, courage, your tenacity, what you’re made of. Do not hide these pieces from the world, they are part of who you are.

You see, the beautiful people are beautifully broken. Their hearts are heavy but they love the deepest. They have seen the dark but they appreciate everything that shines. Their compassionate, understanding, and empathetic. Beautiful hearts just don’t happen - And you, my dear, are going to show the world just how beautiful you are.
#healingthroughpenandpaper #Depression #Disability #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #loner #Epilepsy #ChronicDailyHeadache

I’m a bad person
I want all the love anyone can give and I don’t want anyone else to have their love
I want all their attention and devotion to myself
I want to be put first too.
I want them to ask me what I want to do to
To not make decisions without me
To ask me to join as an afterthought
I don’t want to be the gum under their shoe
Something they have to bring along
I want to be the first thing they think about
The first person they want
But that can’t happen
I’m not extroverted
I love to stay in my room on my own
I love how safe it is within myself
But it gets lonely in my bubble
But when I finally come out
Bonding and experiences they share have multiplied and I am now out of the loop
I can’t pretend to be the fun one
I’m quiet sure
But can’t they love me anyway
Can’t I be me and be loved?
I know people like to be around others that make them happy
I’m not sunshine
I’m just air,
Sometimes you don’t realize I’m there
But the difference between me and air is
They can survive without me
I don’t want them to survive without me
But at the same time
Always being around people is draining
It makes me tired
But I want them to put me on their pedestal
But i don’t want them to see me
I know I’m selfish
Weird
Strange
Delusional
Am I wrong to want their love
Am I wrong to want to be quiet and loved
Am I wrong to want to be not heard but heard,
not seen but sought
Not to try so hard ....but wanted.
I hate it when I’m not included but I don’t want to be included
I hate it when they gush over someone else
Bootlicking then when they aren’t even all that
I’m much better can’t they see that?
Maybe I’m not good enough
I don’t try enough
But others don’t even try but they have it all.

What is this feeling?
Is there something wrong with me?
What is this?
Am I a bad person

All I can say about today is that I really do wonder what I've been here for as far as personal satisfaction goes. I'm almost 60, not only have been the unfortunate recipient of bullying in school, suffer with severe depression, multiple family members have died, also suffer with asthma, high blood pressure, degenerative arthritis which has led to hip surgery, recent loss of vision, and to add on to all this, I have very limited income, possibility of nowhere to live, no one will employ me because I really have never fit in well with any group of people in any setting. I'm the most awkward, unlikable person that anyone can meet. Everywhere I go, I never seen to find anyone my age and when I do, they are either homeless, addicted in some way, or very hateful toward people like me... Y'know - introverts and misfits in general. I have no qualifications as a human being and it sucks.