Abandonment issues is something I deal with on a daily basis, I’m really afraid of being alone and I’m constantly in a defensive state where I’m specting the worst and I’m afraid I’m not gonna be able to survive by myself. My las relationship was toxic and emotionally abusive, I preferred to be mistreated than to be by myself, somehow it seems a lot less terrifying the constant fights and the emotional roller coaster than the emptiness I feel when I found myself with no one else than my thoughts. We were on and off for almost 4 years, I was constantly asking him if he loved me , if he was gonna stay; spolier alert he didn’t loved and he didn’t stay. I blamed myself for everything even when he left me 4 times and I always was there waiting for him, even when he lied to me, even when he say he would change and he didn’t , even when he stop trying and I said that it didn’t matter aslong as he wouldn’t leave me. I devalued myself for him, and for a lot of people because I didn’t want to be alone, my mentality used to be “I’ll do anything but please don’t leave me” until I broke down really hard, I got infected with Covid- 19 and my already broken psyche couldn’t handle it anymore and I went on the worst crisis I ever had (still recovering from it). Somehow I got courage from this dark place and I ended my relationship who btw was already planing to leave, meaningless friendship and my unsatisfactory work , I couldn’t do it anymore everything was hurting me and I was holding so tightly that I was the one who was hurting me the most. Currently I’m trying to heal, luckily enough I found a really good therapist an psychiatrist also my meds are working just fine! I have no answer and I still struggle but I have hope, and if you are reading this belive there’s hope for you too ✨.
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