I was raised around expectations. Expectations which were applied, defined, and constantly used to create comparisons between others.
I found that not only were these expectations being created, they were being used to define my relationship with people, in my family.
Relatives who weren’t part of this discourse would use it to define me before they even spoke to me. I was defined and labelled by relatives when I hadn’t even discussed things with them.
This definition and expectation would lead to bullying from elder members of the family. I faced bullying from my narcissistic aunt, for my weight, looks, the way I spoke, my academic performance, intellect, dressing sense, and personality.
This bullying was validated and used by other relatives to define me as a person. I was used as a means of definition, nothing more. It was quite odd to see people choose to bully and relegate others as a consequence of their own narcissistic behaviours.
I think that the expectations that had been set up were from narcisstic, jealous people that saw it intolerable to exist without labelling the world around them according to their expectations and standards.
Labelling set up the issue of being targeted by relatives for my weight, looks, performance in school, religious worship, domestic chores, and other activities. It was silly and frankly, utterly stupid that a narcissistic standard was being applied to define people.
I felt utterly humiliated by thr bullying. It made me feel socially anxious and dependent on the approval of the narcisstic standards in order to avoid being subject to further acts of bullying.
The bullying was painful for me, as I had trusted the people it had come from blindly. I had believed that as relatives, they would behave in a civil way towards me. Yet, I found that the people I believed would be civil towards me were the opposite.
They were narcisstic and pathetic in their standards. Their miserable lives had been caused by their own narcisstic definitions of reality, which they used to define themselves with. It then became a matter of attempting to remove the so called “flaws” to live a life that was not in opposition to the rules they had set up.
These rules were ableist, colorist, classist, fat phobic, misogynistic and right wing. Not only was there no intellectual or healthy discourse in family gatherings, everything revolved around toxic, narcisstic standards.
I align with the left wing, and am not classist, I believe in racial equality as a brown person of color, as a person that is autistic, and a person who has a stake in the health at every size movement.
I don’t and will never be party to the highly narcisstic and toxic values perpetuated by these toxic people.
It is my responsibility to remove these toxic people from my life and I will work to remove them and their standards from my life.
#narcisstic
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