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Struggling

I am struggling today.
I had a really intense, painful EMDR session and I am dealing with the aftermath.
They have me on line-of-sight right now because I hurt myself right after my session.
They had kind of an intervention with me and talked to me and it helped some.

Healing really, really sucks sometimes.
I keep reminding myself it’s worth it.
I look 5 years down the road and if I don’t do this work now, I’ll still be dealing with it then. But if I keep at it I will be in a much better place down the road.

#Healing #Trying #emdr #Therapy #emdrtherapy

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I don’t know how I’m feeling right now. I run from my feelings so often that I can’t even recognize them, anymore.
So I’m going to write until I figure it out.

For starters, I am tired. That’s a freebie, though, as “tired” isn’t exactly a feeling. Not emotionally. But maybe it isn’t just physical. I’ve had a lot of therapy these past 6 months. I spent a month in residential in December, doing group therapy all day and individual weekly. I spent 6 weeks after that doing IOP 5 days a week with group therapy and individual. I went back to weekly therapy with my main therapist for about 2 months, and then I came to residential 2.5 months ago where I have group therapy all day and individual EMDR 4 days a week. I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. I’ve been working through my trauma. I’ve been vulnerable as hell, and am coming out the other side. So it makes sense that I’d be exhausted emotionally.

Next, I’m terrified. I am so incredibly scared that I’m going home soon. Last time I left residential it was a very short time before I had to go in again. I’m terrified I’ll crash again. Quickly. I’m terrified I’ll always be in and out of residential treatment. And honestly, I’m just terrified that I will never, ever be able to make it in the real world. I’m scared to not always have someone here to check in on me and make sure I’m okay and offer hugs. I’ll be on my own again and that’s harrowing. Of course, I’m not actually on my own. I have people I can turn to. But it’s on me to turn to them. I have to ask for help. That’s always been so hard for me. Admitting I need help and asking for it. Logically, I know asking for help is a sign of strength, but I always feel weak and like a burden. Here there is always someone noticing if you’re not okay. You don’t have to ask. The longer I avoid asking for help back home, the deeper I’ll fall. And I know this. I know I need to ask.

In the midst of writing this I was pulled away. My favorite tech came back from vacation and we talked. Then I ate dinner and we did closing. I’m feeling full which makes me feel a lot of emotions I’m trying to push away. Which is the opposite of my intention when I started writing this. But to get into those emotions is to get into some incredibly deep rooted issues. In EMDR, I’ve discovered where my intense hatred for my body came from. Its been a lot to process, but knowing will help me heal. I’m going to sit with these feelings. I’m not going to push them away. But I’m also not ready to share them here, yet. And maybe it’s not necessary for me to. It’s not necessary to share the nitty gritty when telling my story of healing. As long as I process them and share them with my therapist, and maybe a close friend or two, the secret is out and the healing can begin.

Well, the healing has already begun. It began a long time ago. The healing can continue.

#Healing #feelings #emdrtherapy #Therapy #ResidentialTreatment #emdr #Trauma

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Progress

I was looking at old photos of myself and came upon some from before I went into Eating Disorder residential treatment in December. Any time these photos have come up since I’ve gotten to a healthy weight, they’ve made me want to go back to that.

Today, that didn’t happen. I saw a photo that I wanted to share with a close friend or two, because I know it’s an alter. But I caught myself thinking, “I don’t like how skinny and sick I look in it”.

This is HUGE! To want my body to look (and I hate this word, but for lack of a better one) healthy, rather than sick is a major triumph. I know this comes and goes, but I wanted to acknowledge it and feel this growth and give it some space.

This is growth. This is proof EMDR and a fuckton of group therapy is working. This is proof that getting to the root of the ED- the trauma, is key. I’m proud of myself. And that’s something else I’ve never felt before.

#ThisIsRecovery #ThisIsHealing #EatingDisorders #EatingDisorderRecovery #AnorexiaNervosa #ResidentialTreatment #ResidentialCare #emdr #emdrtherapy #Healing #PersonalGrowth #DID #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #alters

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EMDR therapy

I am curious if anyone has tried it. I have an appointment in a couple weeks. It is not cheap and I am not convinced it will be beneficial. But I always want to keep getting better and I do have hope this will help. Let me know your thoughts. #Anxiety #emdr #emdrtherapy

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When will I start to see my own value and worth?#CPTSD #Trauma #emdr #emdrtherapy #Depression #Anxiety

Hi everyone,

Through the work i've been doing with my EMDR therapist, I'm currently in a place where I don't believe my negative cognitions as strongly as I did (i.e. i'm not worthy, i'm not valued, i don't matter), but i'm struggling to believe the positive cognitions (i.e. i AM worthy, i DO have value, and i DO matter).

Has anyone else felt the same? Were you able to finally believe? What advice would you give someone struggling? Thank you!

All the Love

E.

#CPTSD #Trauma #emdr #Anxiety #Depression

4 comments
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When will I start to see my own value and worth?#CPTSD #Trauma #emdr #emdrtherapy #Depression #Anxiety

Hi everyone,

Through the work i've been doing with my EMDR therapist, I'm currently in a place where I don't believe my negative cognitions as strongly as I did (i.e. i'm not worthy, i'm not valued, i don't matter), but i'm struggling to believe the positive cognitions (i.e. i AM worthy, i DO have value, and i DO matter).

Has anyone else felt the same? Were you able to finally believe? What advice would you give someone struggling? Thank you!

All the Love

E.

#CPTSD #Trauma #emdr #Anxiety #Depression

1 comment
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When will I start to see my own value and worth?#CPTSD #Trauma #emdr #emdrtherapy #Depression #Anxiety

Hi everyone,

Through the work i've been doing with my EMDR therapist, I'm currently in a place where I don't believe my negative cognitions as strongly as I did (i.e. i'm not worthy, i'm not valued, i don't matter), but i'm struggling to believe the positive cognitions (i.e. i AM worthy, i DO have value, and i DO matter).

Has anyone else felt the same? Were you able to finally believe? What advice would you give someone struggling? Thank you!

All the Love

E.

#CPTSD #Trauma #emdr #Anxiety #Depression

2 comments
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Desperately seeking help

I cannot find a therapist to treat my condition #CPTSD that takes insurance. I know I need #emdrtherapy . I have tried everything. The pain in my body is getting worse #ChronicPain , the flashbacks are lasting longer and becoming more difficult to work through #CPTSD , I have zero level of self-care. All my energy is focused on taking care of my children. Where do I turn for help? I am desperate

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Struggling to try to explain to loved ones why you are the way you are, why you react the way you do when they just cannot comprehend. 💔

#CPTSD #cptsdawareness #cptsdrecovery #emdrtherapy #emdr #youarenotalone #itwasntyourfault #traumaaftermath #TraumaSurvivors #loneliness #isolation #dissociativeamnesia #Godcanheal

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EMDR and Brainspotting Advice??!

Does anyone know what #emdr or #brainspotting is? I’m scheduled to talk to a therapist this week and I see that she specializes in both. I figure it’s something she will suggest but it’s a little confusing and I have mixed thoughts about it.

Do you relive your traumas with EMDR? Why in the world would I want to do that? I’ve never gone through anything SUPER traumatic, but why would I want to revisit anything unpleasant? I’m a survivor of verbal and physociological abuse (from my husband and mother in law) and am just now getting over the things that were said and done to me. Im just barley at the point where I can go a few days without getting extreme anxiety or depression...wouldn’t reliving everything just set me back??

Help!! Any thoughts/info/experiences would be much appreciated!

#emdrtherapy #gaslight #gaslight #narcisstic abuse survivor #Gaslighting #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #narcissism #narcissists #narcissistabuse #Therapist #Therapy #Counseling #Depression

7 comments