I don’t know how I’m feeling right now. I run from my feelings so often that I can’t even recognize them, anymore.
So I’m going to write until I figure it out.
For starters, I am tired. That’s a freebie, though, as “tired” isn’t exactly a feeling. Not emotionally. But maybe it isn’t just physical. I’ve had a lot of therapy these past 6 months. I spent a month in residential in December, doing group therapy all day and individual weekly. I spent 6 weeks after that doing IOP 5 days a week with group therapy and individual. I went back to weekly therapy with my main therapist for about 2 months, and then I came to residential 2.5 months ago where I have group therapy all day and individual EMDR 4 days a week. I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. I’ve been working through my trauma. I’ve been vulnerable as hell, and am coming out the other side. So it makes sense that I’d be exhausted emotionally.
Next, I’m terrified. I am so incredibly scared that I’m going home soon. Last time I left residential it was a very short time before I had to go in again. I’m terrified I’ll crash again. Quickly. I’m terrified I’ll always be in and out of residential treatment. And honestly, I’m just terrified that I will never, ever be able to make it in the real world. I’m scared to not always have someone here to check in on me and make sure I’m okay and offer hugs. I’ll be on my own again and that’s harrowing. Of course, I’m not actually on my own. I have people I can turn to. But it’s on me to turn to them. I have to ask for help. That’s always been so hard for me. Admitting I need help and asking for it. Logically, I know asking for help is a sign of strength, but I always feel weak and like a burden. Here there is always someone noticing if you’re not okay. You don’t have to ask. The longer I avoid asking for help back home, the deeper I’ll fall. And I know this. I know I need to ask.
In the midst of writing this I was pulled away. My favorite tech came back from vacation and we talked. Then I ate dinner and we did closing. I’m feeling full which makes me feel a lot of emotions I’m trying to push away. Which is the opposite of my intention when I started writing this. But to get into those emotions is to get into some incredibly deep rooted issues. In EMDR, I’ve discovered where my intense hatred for my body came from. Its been a lot to process, but knowing will help me heal. I’m going to sit with these feelings. I’m not going to push them away. But I’m also not ready to share them here, yet. And maybe it’s not necessary for me to. It’s not necessary to share the nitty gritty when telling my story of healing. As long as I process them and share them with my therapist, and maybe a close friend or two, the secret is out and the healing can begin.
Well, the healing has already begun. It began a long time ago. The healing can continue.
#Healing #feelings #emdrtherapy #Therapy #ResidentialTreatment #emdr #Trauma
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